Hanukkah Bud: Burns for eight days. It’s a miracle.
Florida Skunk Ape: Smells like shit and no one can find it.
Anthro Buzz: Makes you study the people around you and ask “What the fuck?” Obviously not a buzz for everyone.
Skeptical Haze: Makes you doubt everything. Another specialty buzz.
Love Potion Number 4-20: Don’t even think about not thinking about sex.
Feeding Frenzy: Say goodbye to all diets and fasts. Gain weight on chemo.
Blank Stare: Because eye movement is overrated. What does it get you?
On Edge: Got enemies?
Cinderella Genius: Experience great insights that turn into pumpkins after four hours. It’s a ball.
Comedy Condiment: Try it and then reread this. Give me another chance.
Is this legal, illegal, or just fucked up?
“American Airlines, can I help you?
“Hello, this is Allahu Akbar al Jihadi. There is no bomb aboard Flight 2257 from Paris. Repeat–no bomb.”
“No bomb?”
“No. None. You can relax. And on Flight 4141 from Miami–those guys are not hijackers.”
“Not hijackers?”
“No, they’re day laborers. The hijackers got scared on the way to the airport and hired them instead. Unfortunately, they’re quite harmless… But whatever you do, for God’s sake don’t let them drink too much. Tell them you’re flying over a dry county when they ask for seconds.”
“Ok…anything else?”
“Yeah, could I get a one-way to Isantbul tomorrow?”
23-and-Me-Harmony.com
Find your perfect genetic match, the One who God placed here to provide you with good stock
Match-Credit-Report.com
Date only the winners.
And lose to them.
Affordable-Health-Care-Radio.com [Obamacare 1400]
The hippest hold music in the Western Hempisphere
The Intersection of Dimensions
No one knows what this website is other than “it’s coming” and it’s going to “change everything.”
Or it could just be a corner.
Evil-Harmony.com
Hook-up site for admitted scumbags.
And you.
Mensa-Stration.org
For intelligent people who are always on the rag.
Mensa-Bation.org
For intelligent people who would rather just jerk off.
My-Ad-Space.com
Make advertisers pay YOU for your valuable attention
If we didn’t go off Daylight Savings Time we would never be able to go back on it again. Unless you go off Daylight Savings Time for at least part of the year, all you’re doing is renaming 6:00 as 7:00.
It’s ironic: they’ve increased the number of days under DST, which used to end before Halloween, but if they increase it infinitely, it goes away. What else is like that?
But how many days do you have to go off DST in order to have DST?
What if we went off DST for only one week? Say in the middle of January–would that count?
But then you’d have two weekends in a row where you’re gaining and losing an hour of sleep time.
If you went off DST for just an hour, you wouldn’t be going off DST at all because you’d have to put your clocks back one hour and Standard Time would be over before it started.
So the minimum duration for Standard Time has to be two hours—yes, technically, you could make it 61 minutes long and only have one minute of non-DST, but come on, let’s be reasonable.
DST shows the power of pretending. If everybody gets together and pretends something—that 6 is now 7, or that paper money has real value—voila!—6 really is 7 and pieces of paper are really worth cheating and dying for.
Everyone worries about time and money and yet they’re both just the result of society pretending something. Sunset is real but 6:00 PM is total bullshit.
What we most want from Society are the things it pretends exist—money, time, honor, status, fame, etc.—not the things that actually exist—rocks, soil, trees and clouds.
Rocks, soil and trees are OK, mind you, but all of us would readily trade them in for the fake things that Society pretends are real. That’s the important stuff. That’s what life is really all about.
|
Radical Film Awards: (and aspersions) |
Sexist/Capitalist Pig Film Awards:
(non-porno division) |
| Most Exploited Actress |
Best Exploited Actress |
| Most Exploited Actor |
Most Beer-Worthy Actor |
| Exploiter of the Year |
Exploiter of the Year (yay!) |
| Most Insipidly Commercial |
Most Man-Affirming |
| Best Labor Practices |
Biggest Budget Well Spent |
| Worst Labor Practices |
Biggest Budget Poorly Spent |
| Best Nonviolent Drama |
Best Chick-Flick Good Enough to Shut Her Up for a While |
| Worst Nonviolent Drama |
Best Chick-Flick for Diverting Her Need to Complain and then Putting Her to Sleep |
| Best Non-Patriarchal Romantic Lead |
The Genghis |
And big lobbies need big names like Big Oil and Big Pharma:
Garbage Disposal Lobby: Big Waste
British Cigarette Lobby: Big Fag
Comedians’ Lobby: Big Fool
Sikh Lobby: Big Turban
Marijuana Lobby: Big Dope
Low-End Retail Lobby: Big Discount!
Irish-American Lobby: Big Mick
Restaurant Servers’ Lobby: Big Tip
Philosophy Lobby: Big Question
Sex Workers’ Lobby: Big Bang
Actors’ Lobby: Big Phony
Actresses’ Lobby: Big Drama
Private Investigators’ Lobby: Big Dick
Cat Lovers Lobby: Big Pussy
Dog Breeders’ Lobby: Big Bitch
Horse Breeders’ Lobby: Big Stud
Chicken Farmers’ Lobby: Big Cock
Bra Industry Lobby: Big Boost
Tight Male Underwear Lobby: Big Lift
Nano-tech Lobby: Big Little
Pro-Capitalist Religious Lobby: Big Prophit
Crime Scene Investigators’ Lobby: Big Body Count
Islamic Dress Lobby: Big Cover-up
Distraught Procrastinators’ Lobby: Big To Do
High-Fashion Lobby: Big Priss
Flood Engineers’ Lobby: Big Dike
Teenagers’ Lobby: Big Duh
Educational Testing Lobby: Big Problem
Shy People’s Lobby: Big Nevermind
and finally
The Merry-But-Rowdy Drinkers’ Lobby: Big Brew Ha Ha
Perverted Wisdom 