From the Secret History of Unprofessional Communications

Boston, 1776:  Everyone celebrates the politely worded Declaration of Independence, but few people remember (much less honor) the Angry Barroom Declaration of Five Anonymous Drunks, who in March of 1776 dictated a bold but unsigned letter to His Majesty King George III:

“Fuck ye King!  Hark: we’re sick of yer shit!  Let’s get him, boys!  Aarrrhhhh!”

It is said that this declaration actually caused King George more consternation than the Continental Congress’ declaration of July 4, which critics at the time panned as wordy and melodramatic.

The Five Angry Drunks’ anonymous declaration was also less hypocritical–none of those louts had any interest in stealing Indian lands in the Ohio Valley. Not that they couldn’t have been bought by an offer of Ohio lands, but they were never offered.

The King responded by issuing a decree against “rogue notaries” and “rapscallion clerks” who went around recording and publicizing the seditious statements of publicly intoxicated people. The idea is that drunken people always say stupid things in public–the real crime is taking any of it seriously enough to write it down.

When Revolution actually broke out in earnest, two of these loud-talking louts were the first to enlist, having passed out in front of the recruiter’s house the night before, while the other three had to be dragged out of hiding from tavern basements. So they have a mixed record when it comes to backing up their declarations with armed service; yet still comparable to the number of signers of the July Declaration of Independence who actually fought or commanded in the Revolution (one third, according to constitutionfacts.com).

Two Precursors to the Internet Unite to Overtake It

22,000 B.C.:  Pigeons domesticated.pigeon

20,000 B.C.:   Pigeon-net established, a fully interconnected network of carrier pigeons across much of Ice Age Europe and Asia (what the people at the time called “the Late Glacial Maximum”).Pigeon NetImportant messages can now travel faster than the wind.

And of course porn, lots of porn:

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15,000 B.C.:  People discover that the information in 3-dimensional Venus figurines can be “compressed” into several 2-dimensional drawings on hide or bark and thus be transported by pigeon much more easily than figurines. As with all inventions, not everyone welcomed this as progress: “I don’t want porn I can’t feel!

4,000 B.C.:  Indo-European invaders destroy the Pigeon-net in their conquest of Europe, replacing it with their much less efficient horse-borne system of communication. Pigeon networking becomes the pastime of local ham operators.

Pigeon Net vs. the Internet:

Advantages:  superior speed and accuracy in rural or undeveloped areas; immune to hacking; greater privacy; allows “downloading” of actual objects and money, not just information.

Disadvantages:  4 ounce weight limit; AWOL pigeons; lazy pigeons; dumb pigeons; stubborn pigeons; moody pigeons; psychotic pigeons; and CATS, which stands for Cats Attacking The System.

Cats attacking the communication system

Cats attacking the communication system:  message not received

 A.D. 1968:  CB Radios made smaller and affordable → birth of the Redneck-net

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Redneck-net vs. the Internet:

Advantages:  no spam, no porn, no ads, tweet-friendly, good cop reports go viral, hookers have their own channel

Disadvantages:  no porn, no text, no images, no video, too many rednecks

The Future:  Directional Beaming technology (not yet invented) allows CB radio to reach across continents. Channel Hovering allows private conversations to be established which “hover” randomly around the main CB channel (which is public and crowded). At the same time, genetic engineering produces super-swift pigeons with a dog’s eagerness to please; it also eliminates all the bad rednecks. And the micro-storage of information is already old hat. The inevitable result is the emergence and triumph of the Intercontinental CB-Pigeon Net, with all the advantages of pigeon-net and redneck-net combined over global distances.

Breaker One-nine, we got an illegal convoy of 10,000 pigeons flyin’ towards the border tonight. So order your contraband now. Do you copy? (over)