Jokes Aliens Tell About Us

(With some terrestrial comments)

• Earthling sidles up to the Bar. He’s asked if he wants the Fruit of Knowledge or the Fruit of Life. “Neither,” he says, ”my science says they don’t exist and my religion forbids me from partaking.”

“Well, we have a kids’ menu…”

• Earthlings are smart. At the latest Interstellar Science Conference, Neil deGrasse Tyson proved the conference didn’t exist. Very persuasive fellow. Lots of gravitas. We gave him a silent ovation out of politeness.

• John the Baptist tells Advanced Visitors ”Repent!”

“But I’m a robot. My companion, however, is fully submersible and plagued with glitches.”

• Funniest Earthling theories about why we’re here:

~ ”They want our shiny rocks!” (Gold, etc.)

~ ”They want our highly inefficient labor!”

~ ”They want our under-powered, easily distracted minds!”

~ ”They’re jealous of our amazingly stupid self-centered culture!”

~ ”They want our precious DNA we shed everywhere.”

~ ”They want our precious sperm we cast about.”

~ ”If you build it they will come. And if we build it big enough we can defeat them and take their technology and kill them all!”

• Do you ever wonder why God created such a vast universe with so many different forms of life just to be a backdrop and supporting cast for Great Story of Earth and Humanity?

No? Then you must not be from around here.

• Bullets.

(That’s it, just the word bullets by itself is some kind of inside joke to them or a dismissive term similar to our “bullshit.” My best guess is that ”bullets” means any vain stupid thing or idea that makes you feel strong and right but really doesn’t mean shit and actually makes you an asshole for thinking it does.)

• Earthlings long to explore space and not find anything better lest they be unable to kill it. Nothing is more disturbing to them than something they can’t kill.

• They say a bad alien is one who frightens them that they are living wrong and need to adhere to the highest ethical codes of their religions, philosophies, and science, and that a good alien is one who secretly gives them technology to help them kill their enemies and their planet.

So yeah, we’re evil.

Very evil.

Interview with a Sniper

Q:  Is killing bad?

Q:  Which of your kills is your favorite?

Q:  Which kill are you most proud of? Which kill are you most likely to tell your grandchildren about?

Q:  Is it true that if you’re lucky in combat then you’re basically a dead man walking back in the civilian world? (You know, Chris Kyle, Ira Hayes, etc.)

Q:  Isn’t it true that the military will soon be deploying robotic snipers?

Q:  And when robotic snipers take the place of human trigger-pullers, will the computer jockeys who remotely operate these robo-snipers be heroes?

Q:  Will it take a special breed of people to remotely operate these robo-snipers?

Q:  And if, in the near future, these joystick killers operating from their office are not particularly special nor heroic, why are you? It’s the same job, right?

A:  Because snipers get shot at. Drone operators don’t.

Q:  Good point! So it’s really getting shot at that makes one heroic, not the shooting?

A:  I think it’s the combination of performing a difficult task while getting shot at or potentially getting shot at.

Q:  So if you could play chess while getting shot at, you’d be the most heroic chess player?… I guess I could see that. Thanks for the interview, sir.

A:  Thanks for letting me know I’m about to be automated out of a job.