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Republicans Recall Trump for Being Too Fat

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Citing the long tradition of fit-and-trim Republican nominees for president, the leadership of the GOP has recalled the nomination of Donald Trump, issuing the following rambling statement:

“That person was a Miss Universe presidential primary person and she he was the worst we ever had. The worst. The absolute worst. She He was impossible. And she he was a Miss Universe primary contestant, ultimately a winner who they had a tremendously difficult time with as Miss Universe the nominee. She He was the winner and, you know, she he gained a massive amount of weight and it was a real problem.We had a real problem. Not only that but her his attitude and we had a real problem with her him, so…”

Nevertheless, GOP leadership has agreed to retain Mr. Trump’s nomination if he will submit to working out in front of live television cameras while the GOP leadership stands there watching.

Trump is a True Floridian Because…

–He dominates every news cycle with stupid outlandish crap

–His wealth has not purchased any class

–He’s fun to check in on but you wouldn’t want to be there for four straight years

–Hyperbolic self-promotion is a cornerstone of his success

–He’s actually from New York

–Bad hair, bad tan, bad hat, bad grammar, bad diction, can’t focus on anything too long

–He was a Democrat, he’s a Republican, he flirted with Independent, he doesn’t fucking know

–He believes The National Enquirer and is often featured in it

–He hates foreigners and is dependent upon them

–His kids have to take care of him and clean up his mess

Trump Jokes

When society gets pathological the sociopaths seem logical.

Trump’s mixed business record:

Trump Air failed. Trump Hot Air is doing quite well.

Trump Vodka also failed. Trump Snake Oil continues to sell.

Trump University failed in its educational mission. Trump Bullshit continues to misinform millions.

New Trump slogans based upon Trump attributes:

His demeanor:  Make America grating again.

His character:  Make America greed again.

His age:  Make America grayed again.

Trump, the only person who could beat Hillary Clinton and not get convicted.

David Duke endorses Trump. Trump disavows him. Duke approves of Trump’s disavowal. Trump disavows Duke’s approval of his repudiation. This goes on for months.

Trump has led the life of a good Christian prior to their conversion. Evangelicals can relate to that.

Trump’s family is strong. All three of them. He’s a great ex-husband–the kind of man every woman wishes they were no longer married to.

If Trump were to make the White House an actual reality show–live cameras on all the time except for top secret security stuff–I still might not vote for him. But I would definitely watch. The ad money from that show could pay for the whole damn government!

As we plunge into the Apocalypse

Trump’s properties were some of the best in the world.

Until the Sanders Revolution

Americans want a president with good gut instincts. And that’s why we send our kids to school–to develop their guts. (I scored a 750 on the gut instinct part of the SATs, FYI.) And that’s why the first question at every job interview is “How’s your gut?”

School guidance counselor:  “Mr. and Mrs. Ordinary, I’m afraid your child has really bad gut instincts. We’re going to have to enroll him in a remedial program run by Trump University.”