We can’t all be John Lennon and have sex for peace. But we can all masturbate for charity. Last year’s Spooge-a-Thon raised over $120,000 and 5000 gallons.
This will provide invaluable help to storm refugees driven to their local ejaculation centers. There they will receive food, blankets, and spooge. Lots of spooge.
So donate to the Red Toss. Donate that most precious gift of all.
Don’t just sit there jerking off when you can save the world doing the exact same thing!
Boy scouts and girl scouts will come around to collect it, followed by some police interrogators.
Just tell them you’ve already given a quart to Police Benevolence and deny everything else.
Remember, if just half the proceeds of Debbie Does Dallas had gone to charity, the entire nation of Bangladesh could have been covered in spew.
So let’s wipe the tears off the faces of the suffering and replace it with bukkake. Share your time and substance with people in need. In need of seed.
This is the only charity where you can easily give more than Bill Gates. Much more!
And with matching grants from the federal government, every ounce you donate will be matched by the government, since all they do is sit around jacking off anyway.
(Translated excerpts pertaining to the era of 20,000 b.p. to the present)
Section IV: Advanced Information Processing Species
A. Human Beings
1. Ecological Type (check one): Non-dominating and integrated ___; Dominating and integrated ___; Dominating and non-integrated __X__.
(for non-integrative dominators only) Ecological sustainability: None–rapidly decreasing biodiversity at the macro level causing increasing threat of microscopic pestilence as per Nyordyork’s Principle of Planetary Bio-Equilibrium.
2. Economic System: balanced exploitation
a. Most frequently bought & sold item (excluding food and fuel): weapons
b. Second most frequently transacted item (measured in monetary units): jewelry and shiny metals
c. Most frequently transacted type of literary culture (excluding news and current events): Religion and superstition
3. Energy System: non-renewable
4. Political System: fake democracies and actual dictatorships
5. Cultural/Aesthetic Systems: mostly species-specific
6. Justice System: biased towards the wealthy, even-handed towards the middle classes, and oppressive of the poor
7. Potential for Selection/Advancement: little to none because positive human mental traits do not correspond to any genetic groupings
RECOMMENDED COURSE OF ACTION (check one): Maintain protective guardianship ____; Allow catastrophic selection event(s) ____; Remove keystone species __X__
(Moral of the story: We’re fucked, and rightly so!)