Interview with a Sniper

Q:  Is killing bad?

Q:  Which of your kills is your favorite?

Q:  Which kill are you most proud of? Which kill are you most likely to tell your grandchildren about?

Q:  Is it true that if you’re lucky in combat then you’re basically a dead man walking back in the civilian world? (You know, Chris Kyle, Ira Hayes, etc.)

Q:  Isn’t it true that the military will soon be deploying robotic snipers?

Q:  And when robotic snipers take the place of human trigger-pullers, will the computer jockeys who remotely operate these robo-snipers be heroes?

Q:  Will it take a special breed of people to remotely operate these robo-snipers?

Q:  And if, in the near future, these joystick killers operating from their office are not particularly special nor heroic, why are you? It’s the same job, right?

A:  Because snipers get shot at. Drone operators don’t.

Q:  Good point! So it’s really getting shot at that makes one heroic, not the shooting?

A:  I think it’s the combination of performing a difficult task while getting shot at or potentially getting shot at.

Q:  So if you could play chess while getting shot at, you’d be the most heroic chess player?… I guess I could see that. Thanks for the interview, sir.

A:  Thanks for letting me know I’m about to be automated out of a job.


The World’s Funniest Deaths and Other Bad Ideas

Business idea:  funeral pyres.

There are no individual remains afterwards, but there’s this wall nearby with your name and a creepy holograph inscribed on it.

Advertisement:  Have you ever considered the advantages of a mass grave? 15 bodies per pile can save you 15%!

Our traditional individual burials are all money-back-guaranteed.*

Acid bath cremations might be the answer you’re looking for. As a memento, family members can save some of the vapors and the sludge.

Or just mail your remains to a fictitious address—let the Post Office deal with it:

“In case I die, put me in this pre-stamped box and ship me out to the address written on it. No cover letter is necessary–they’ll know what to do.”

Meteoric cremations will become big in the 2020’s. Pre-paid plans are already available.

The first person to ritually dispose of another person was the first person period.

‘Cuz it just ain’t human to walk away from an unburied corpse.

Not if you’ve got nothing else to do.

But if you’re busy, that’s different. Wars and tigers can’t wait.

Apple’s Siri now gives much better advice about hiding a body than its first generation. Watson is still the best, of course.  He makes problems go away.

New expensive software:  The Criminal 2000.  Designed to help you design the perfect crime. It’s the best goddamn co-conspirator ever!

The networks didn’t like my idea for a TV show called America’s Funniest Deaths. They also hated my idea for a reality show based on this family of really hilarious morticians.

But once I open my funeral pyre business they’re all gonna come begging to video me!

*To the decedent.