Presidential Appearances versus Random Winners

After Donald Trump called her ugly and then flip-flopped and called her beautiful, I decided to investigate the matter myself by trying to have a sex fantasy involving Carly Fiorina.

I figured I’d give it a shot. If everyone deserves sex (supposedly) then certainly everyone deserves a sex fantasy too. And she is slim. Slimmer than Donald. Or me.

At first things were pretty good. It was interesting and different. “Ms. Fiorina, are you sure you want to do this—on national television?! Do you really want to sacrifice your poll numbers for my pole numbers?”

But she was insatiable—she wanted it more than the presidency…

But then I got distracted—phone rang, email chimed, cat puked, something—and the fantasy died. And that’s the sign of a deficient sex fantasy, not being able to survive a minor interruption. A good one should be able to last all the way through a winning online poker game. And cat puke can always wait…

So big deal, does that really disqualify her for the presidency?

Well, when you think back on it, most of our presidents have been doable or at least doable emeritus (i.e., hot when they were young). Mom thought Reagan was cute. I’m sure my grandmother loved him. Even LBJ had that louder-than-life Texas charisma.

The only non-doable modern president we’ve had was Nixon and he got impeached. (Clinton got impeached because he was a little too doable, but that’s a different issue not related to Fiorina, sorry.) And our ugliest president—Abraham Lincoln—got shot by a really handsome guy.

You have to go back to Taft to get a modern president comparable to Fiorina or Chris Christie. Could we elect a female Taft? Are we ready? What if Margaret Thatcher or Golda Meier had been as huge as Taft or Churchill or Sharon? And if Hillary stops dieting again, will she become a female Taft?

Rather than attractiveness, charisma, or even intelligence, what we really need in a president is luck. A lucky president means a lucky United States. Luck will get you through when strength and intelligence let you down. Divine Right of Kings should be replaced with the Random Luck of of Doofus Politicians.

When their luck runs out, we kill ’em. Their death then retroactively proves their unluckiness and hence our decision to kill ’em. We can never be wrong!

And while being born pretty might be a sign of good luck, it’s not definitive—some of the luckiest bastards in the world are the ugliest. Billy Joel, Larry King, Jeff Bezos, etc.

Therefore, to choose the next president, we need more than just speeches and debates to decide the matter. We need more than just giant dildo tug-of-wars (see Perverted Wisdom article ), useful though that would be. We need random games of chance to see who’s the luckiest.

Donald Trump’s Heroes

Chattanooga military recruiters:  They’re heroes because they got shot. I prefer military recruiters who don’t get shot.

Medgar Evers:  I prefer civil rights activists who don’t get assassinated. And he did nothing for veterans–nothing!

Jesus:  Call me Muslim or Jewish but I prefer messiahs who don’t get crucified.

Davy Crockett:  He completely failed at stopping Mexican immigration.

Robin Williams:  I prefer comedians who don’t kill themselves. Suicidal comedians who want to kill themselves should place banana peels on the edge of the Grand Canyon and dance dance dance!

King Arthur:  Was a loser! For England’s sake I truly hope he was not “the once-and-future king.”

Nathan Hale:  I prefer patriots and spies who don’t get caught and hanged. My only regret is that he gave his life for our country–I’d rather he gave us information on the enemy like he was supposed to.

Donald Trump:  You want heroic? I held onto my Facebook stock back when every so-called “expert” said it was overvalued. Now I’m even more rich, very rich.

Harper Lee Sequel – Prequels

The Lord of the Rings:  Gandalf is a dick. Sauron is just a prisoner of his times.

The Cather in the Rye:  Holden Caulfield is a phony.

Lord of the Flies:  Ralph becomes the real dictator. A liberal dictator.

A Christmas Carol:  Tiny Tim Cratchit is a manipulative little twerp.

The Old Man and the Sea:  Is a perv.

Dr. Zhivago:  Is a quack.

James Bond:  Dorky in high school and then impotent. Later incontinent. Then in mid-career he develops uncontrollable projectile vomiting and narcolepsy.

On the Road:  Kerouac/Sal Paradise blows off his friend and stays home with his Mom/Aunt.

That Dreadful New Money

If they put a woman on the 20 dollar bill it will only be worth $19.43.

Real Players don’t flash Tubmans.

They should make money like those birthday cards that talk when you unfold them. “Are you sure you need this?”

Everyone should have to sign their money.

The burning of old bills should become a quasi-religious public ceremony. For the True Faith. New Value rising like a Phoenix…

Have you ever rubbed money on your aching foot? Cuts out the middleman.

Edible money is the next big thing. Right after legal tender blunt-wraps. Hey, if people want to eat or smoke some specially-prepared money, the Treasury Dept. should accommodate them. ‘Make a little extra money so that they don’t have to suck in all our tax dollars to pay for their expenses printing our money.

If Obama puts a woman on the $20 it will cause America to become socialist-Muslim, just like everything Obama does.

So what’s next, a Tranny $50? A gay $100? A lesbian Grand?

In my system, each president would equal their number: Washington is a $1, Adams is a $2, Lincoln is a $16, Bush Jr. is a $43, etc. That way we could judge presidential candidates on their ability to make good money:  “A $45 Huckabee??? I don’t think so!”

Update on RAGING Controversy re: Ponce de Leon vs. Ais Indians of Florida

Headline from today’s local Brevard County newspaper, The Florida Today (a Gannett publication, unfortunately):

 Brevard drops support for naming barrier island after Ponce de Leon

Interesting article (despite its Gannett ownership):|newswell|text|Home|s

It’s nice to see people caring about history and local nomenclature.

Ponce needs Mitt more than ever now–it’s a good thing Mitt doesn’t know that he could use Ponce to woo Hispanic Florida voters.

Alan Brech 2012