Singer-Songwriters Who Should Have Just Written

How many great songs have been ruined by selfish writers who insisted on singing their own creations?

Bob Dylan:   Too nasal, not enough variation in his voice. The Byrds should have done all his songs. Then they could have lasted forever. Had I been Dylan I would have been objective and humble enough to give all my songs to them and other artists. Also, I would have had a hard time understanding myself when I spoke, but that’s just me, or me being Dylan.

Frank Zappa:   Sounds too much like Bill Murray’s 1970’s lounge singer from Saturday Night Live. “Those Crazy Star Wars” could have been a full-length Zappa clay-animation movie for all I know.

Roy Orbison:   Voice sounds like cream soda. He looked like a switched corpse–like not the corpse you thought you were burying but a different one that got switched-in but no one wants to say anything even though it seems obvious to everyone but the bereaved.

Gregory Isaacs (reggae star from the 1980s): Too nasal. Sounds like Benny Hill doing reggae. All male nasal singers sound like Benny Hill singing. As you can tell, we hates nasal.

Tom Petty:  Like Orbison, he looks like a cadaver, but unlike Orbison, a cool-looking cadaver, like a cadaver who just emerged from a joint-lined coffin after a mourner paying his respects had blown some cocaine up its nose, semi-reviving him. ‘Not saying Petty shouldn’t have performed his songs, he just shouldn’t sing them. Why? you guessed it–too nasal.

Bob Marley:  Borders on nasal. And what is that dancing??? Far too many tripping hippies have mistakenly become uninhibited by the bad example of Bob Marley’s horrible dancing.

To me, nasal singing among male performers is almost an oxymoron, and “almost an oxymoron” is an oxymoron, I think, meaning it’s like practically the same thing.

Female nasal singing, however, is fine but it can border on too cute. No, I cannot define “too cute” but I know it when I want to punch it.

There are whole cultures in southern Asia that speak and sing more nasal than they have to as a sacrifice to their God. And it works: they get good grades.

But it’s not for everyone; they have no Barry Whites.

I also don’t like tenors, but that’s a separate non-issue.

George and Jerry Discuss the Sequester: a Seinfeld tribute/rip-off

What if this sequester thing actually starts to feel good? That’s a sign, isn’t it? A sign that, you know, you’re–

You’re what?

You’re, you know, a latent conservative.

We’re all latent conservatives! But we’re all latent everything else too, so cheer up–all of us could be anything!

What about if you watch FOX News and it moves?

What?

I think it moved–it may have moved!

Of course it moved, they have porn stars reading the news at FOX.

No, this was during Bill Hemmer!

Ohhhh. Well, look on the bright side–maybe it’s a latent gay thing more than a latent conservative thing.

Thank you very much! Just my luck–my true identity is not the frustrated neurotic heterosexual I appear to be–I’m really a Log Cabin Republican!

You can still be frustrated and neurotic and live in the Log Cabin.

I could be frustrated and neurotic in my own harem.

I bet it’s nice in there.

Where?

The Log Cabin…[muses] You know, the Log Cabin Republicans really should build an actual log cabin to promote their group. Like a visitors center.

A log cabin in DC!

A log cabin in DC–a super-posh but conservative log cabin of tasteful comfort. Berdache-fabulous, yet gentlemanly and properly restrained…I bet they could win a lot of converts that way. Especially on football days.

Gay converts or conservative converts?

Either way.

Severe Storms: Socialist Stimulus Schemes from the Sky

Storm damage causes economic growth:

  • All that money sitting in the coffers of insurance companies and reinsurance companies gets spent on building supplies and reconstruction work
  • In advance of the storms, sales are brisk on items that hardly ever sell otherwise
  • After the storm, people are desperate to satisfy all that pent-up demand

Storm damage is Keynesian–it causes good economic growth:
M
oney from insurance executives and investors goes to working people and middle class assets (houses)

Severe storms promote efficiency in the most worker-friendly way:
These are guilt-free days off with the kids and family–entirely guilt free, unlike a sick day or even a vacation day. A “storm day” that closes a city is as economically miraculous as if everyone in the area decided to take an impromptu personal day at the same time. Afterwards everyone comes back to work synced to the same rhythm of making up for lost days which is never too hard (increasing efficiency)

Storms make us look at the big picture:
We all want to live in our own little worlds but the one big world won’t let us.

Storms make us look at the little picture:
Specifically, how much can be fit into the corner of a wet life raft or helicopter sling.

Storms build social bonds within and across communities:
It’s hard to feel anything for these bland, middle-American, semi-rural places until a storm comes and tears them apart. Then they seem adorable.

Severe storm damage rebuilds bonds between responsive governments and people:

Atlas shrugged, freed from the burden of supporting the 47%… But then Sandy swept his beach-house out to sea and now he wants a bailout too.

“How was I supposed to know that there was this thing called ‘erosion’?”

“Who knew oceans were so big and sloppy? Who knew?”

From the Secret History of Unprofessional Communications

Boston, 1776:  Everyone celebrates the politely worded Declaration of Independence, but few people remember (much less honor) the Angry Barroom Declaration of Five Anonymous Drunks, who in March of 1776 dictated a bold but unsigned letter to His Majesty King George III:

“Fuck ye King!  Hark: we’re sick of yer shit!  Let’s get him, boys!  Aarrrhhhh!”

It is said that this declaration actually caused King George more consternation than the Continental Congress’ declaration of July 4, which critics at the time panned as wordy and melodramatic.

The Five Angry Drunks’ anonymous declaration was also less hypocritical–none of those louts had any interest in stealing Indian lands in the Ohio Valley. Not that they couldn’t have been bought by an offer of Ohio lands, but they were never offered.

The King responded by issuing a decree against “rogue notaries” and “rapscallion clerks” who went around recording and publicizing the seditious statements of publicly intoxicated people. The idea is that drunken people always say stupid things in public–the real crime is taking any of it seriously enough to write it down.

When Revolution actually broke out in earnest, two of these loud-talking louts were the first to enlist, having passed out in front of the recruiter’s house the night before, while the other three had to be dragged out of hiding from tavern basements. So they have a mixed record when it comes to backing up their declarations with armed service; yet still comparable to the number of signers of the July Declaration of Independence who actually fought or commanded in the Revolution (one third, according to constitutionfacts.com).

The Glorious Future of Weapons Technology

In the immediate future we should expect:

  • Drone-killing drones (DKD’s)
  • Mini-drones to protect against DKD’s
  • Mini-drones within ICBMs (intercontinental ballistic missiles) to protect against ABMs (anti-ballistic missiles). Goodbye nuclear security…
  • On the brighter side, bullets will call 911 when fired.

Looking beyond over the next 120 years we can expect:

  • Smart hand grenades
  • Bombs that outrank sergeants
  • And finally, Artificial Intelligence programmed to destroy the enemy–the enemy meaning “other” human beings. What could go wrong? Really, what could possibly happen?

So invest now.

Conflicting Imperatives from the Ethos of the Age

The Ethos says:

Get your self centered without getting self-centered.

Be open to complexity and exceptions without being overly nuanced.

Live for the moment without improvidence.

Be your own man as a team player.

Find out who you are by transcending yourself.

Avoid sophistry and certitude.

Live for today and don’t stop thinking about tomorrow.

Know your limits and other people’s limits without ever testing or pushing them.

Be a good Samaritan not a sucker.

Be neither paralyzed by skepticism nor blinded by faith.

The future belongs to realistic dreamers.

Be busy like the bee–busy smelling flowers. And hive work. Lots of hive work.

For the religious: Put away the things of childhood¹ for they are of the Kingdom of Heaven.²  Now go seek ye the Kingdom of Heaven.³

Be neither promiscuous nor chaste. Just stay on the right side of the bell-curve of vice, wherever that may be.

Stand up and be counted then sit down and shut up. Know exactly when either is appropriate–there are no firm rules but you still have to know them.

Be pragmatic in your idealism, and principled in your pragmatism. Generally.

Only marry someone if you’re seriously willing to spend the next eight years with them. It’s a big commitment.

Change the system without threatening anyone. Politely modify the status quo. Venerate that which you obsolesce and replace.

Be classy by accident. (4)

Always be the one who always looked the way current fashion dictates long before it was fashionable.(5) Or just give up and wait 20 years.

Joke Notes

1.  1 Corinthians 13:11
2.  Matthew 18:3 and 4; Matthew 19:14
3.  Matthew 6:33
4. The accident of birth into a higher class being the fundamental accident that is at the root of classiness.
5. Can’t be done? When you’re young or wealthy many things are possible–just change your friends every time you change your fashions.

What You Need to Know About Aliens

The most advanced aliens are desperately trying to figure out how to keep the universe from shredding itself to death due to Dark Energy–you think they give a fuck that their drill probes hurt your eyeballs?

You wouldn’t either. So have some empathy for their total lack of empathy.

Unlike the gods, if you pray to the aliens they will show up. Moral of the story: never pray to the aliens.

But mere imprecations and incantations don’t work so well as a broken heart, a contrite spirit, and a spaced-out mind. Moral of the story: don’t go fishing at night after a recent break-up. That’s just asking for alien abduction. No one will believe you.

Crop circles are alien gang tags. Hence their increasing fractal complexity over time as each gang out-does the other. (Obviously these are not the “most advanced aliens” mentioned above–these are their youths.)

Aliens are racist. They plan to exterminate Northeast Asians last. Gangnam Style now has them reconsidering.

Alien babysitters are notoriously unreliable but the good ones are out of this world.

Aliens are attracted to cheaper perfumes. So I’m afraid everyone’s going to have pay more.

If you find yourself aboard the DNA-donor Orgy Ship try to act studly and fit the part. Otherwise they’ll kill you.

Again, have some empathy–even the most primitive aliens are working on some big issues up there–asteroids, supernova, space-time wrinkles, gamma ray bursts, time-travel glitches, black holes, and rogue aliens (their kids).

Earthlings struggle with their pollution of space. Aliens struggle with their pollution of time. Ecology is humanity’s greatest cause. Historical conservation is the aliens’.

Just imagine trying to clean up Time after it gets all polluted by (among other things) drunken teenage gangs burning crop circles in people’s fields hundreds of years in advance of the first official Earth-Alien public contact ceremony.

So when people show up at your door looking like robot-clones of 1950s FBI guys and threaten to kill you and your entire family if you talk, have some empathy–they’re working on big issues and have a million headaches. Don’t be a million and one.

Besides, it’s just historical preservation from the future. So stay unpolluted. Fake it, even.

Two Precursors to the Internet Unite to Overtake It

22,000 B.C.:  Pigeons domesticated.pigeon

20,000 B.C.:   Pigeon-net established, a fully interconnected network of carrier pigeons across much of Ice Age Europe and Asia (what the people at the time called “the Late Glacial Maximum”).Pigeon NetImportant messages can now travel faster than the wind.

And of course porn, lots of porn:

venus-lespugeVenus-of-Willendorf-24000BCvenus7

15,000 B.C.:  People discover that the information in 3-dimensional Venus figurines can be “compressed” into several 2-dimensional drawings on hide or bark and thus be transported by pigeon much more easily than figurines. As with all inventions, not everyone welcomed this as progress: “I don’t want porn I can’t feel!

4,000 B.C.:  Indo-European invaders destroy the Pigeon-net in their conquest of Europe, replacing it with their much less efficient horse-borne system of communication. Pigeon networking becomes the pastime of local ham operators.

Pigeon Net vs. the Internet:

Advantages:  superior speed and accuracy in rural or undeveloped areas; immune to hacking; greater privacy; allows “downloading” of actual objects and money, not just information.

Disadvantages:  4 ounce weight limit; AWOL pigeons; lazy pigeons; dumb pigeons; stubborn pigeons; moody pigeons; psychotic pigeons; and CATS, which stands for Cats Attacking The System.

Cats attacking the communication system

Cats attacking the communication system:  message not received

 A.D. 1968:  CB Radios made smaller and affordable → birth of the Redneck-net

CBMicrosoft Word - Figure 2.doc

Redneck-net vs. the Internet:

Advantages:  no spam, no porn, no ads, tweet-friendly, good cop reports go viral, hookers have their own channel

Disadvantages:  no porn, no text, no images, no video, too many rednecks

The Future:  Directional Beaming technology (not yet invented) allows CB radio to reach across continents. Channel Hovering allows private conversations to be established which “hover” randomly around the main CB channel (which is public and crowded). At the same time, genetic engineering produces super-swift pigeons with a dog’s eagerness to please; it also eliminates all the bad rednecks. And the micro-storage of information is already old hat. The inevitable result is the emergence and triumph of the Intercontinental CB-Pigeon Net, with all the advantages of pigeon-net and redneck-net combined over global distances.

Breaker One-nine, we got an illegal convoy of 10,000 pigeons flyin’ towards the border tonight. So order your contraband now. Do you copy? (over)

Some Radical Film Awards and their Reactionary Counterparts

Radical Film Awards:

(and aspersions)

Sexist/Capitalist Pig Film Awards: 

(non-porno division)

Most Exploited Actress

Best Exploited Actress

Most Exploited Actor

Most Beer-Worthy Actor

Exploiter of the Year

Exploiter of the Year (yay!)

Most Insipidly Commercial

Most Man-Affirming

Best Labor Practices

Biggest Budget Well Spent

Worst Labor Practices

Biggest Budget Poorly Spent

Best Nonviolent Drama

Best Chick-Flick Good Enough to Shut Her Up for a While

Worst Nonviolent Drama

Best Chick-Flick for Diverting Her Need to Complain and then Putting Her to Sleep

Best Non-Patriarchal Romantic Lead

The Genghis

You’ve Probably Never Heard of the True Christian Charity–and Probably Never Will

Because at True Christian Charity® we distribute money and assistance the way Jesus taught.

Interviewer: What are some of the more prominent charitable projects undertaken by the TCC (the True Christian Charity) over the last few years?

TCC Representative:  I can’t say. I mean, I won’t say.

Interviewer:  Won’t say? Why not?

TCC:  Because when it comes to charitable giving, Jesus said “When thou doest alms, let not thy left hand know what thy right hand doeth” [Matthew 6:3]. That means keep it a secret even from yourself. And Jesus often bade the recipients of his miracles to stay quiet about it. A true Christian does not publicly display their piety or their virtue [Mark 12:40].

Interviewer:  How do you make sure your gifts are going to the truly needy?

TCC:  We don’t.

Interviewer:  But you could end up giving to criminals and other un-worthies.

TCC:  “Him that taketh away thy cloak forbid not to take thy coat also” [Luke 6:29].

 Interviewer:  What if it’s al-Qaeda?

TCC:  We hope it is al-Qaeda: “Resist not evil: but whoever shall smite you on your right cheek, turn to him the other also [Matthew 5:39]. “Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them who spitefully use you, and persecute you” [Matthew 5:44]. “Vengeance is mine; I will repay” [Hebrews 10:30].

Interviewer:  What are some of your future plans at TCC looking forward?

TCC:  No plans whatsoever:  “Take no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself” [Matthew 6:34].

Interviewer:  Is there any charitable project that TCC will not assist?

TCC:  Yes, TCC will not help anyone with their funeral expenses, no matter how destitute you might be: “Let the dead bury the dead” [Matthew 8:22].

Interviewer:  So how can people get in touch with the TCC? Do you have a website?

TCC:  No, that would be vain and boastful.

Interviewer: So how can people contact the TCC?

TCC:  In private. Alone. In your secret places where you can shut the door behind you [Matthew 6:6]. Or on mountaintops, near clean bodies of water, fishing camps, fishing holes, anything to do with fishing–that’s where many TCC staffers spend their time. But you might also find them in an IRS office or outside a whorehouse. You never know. But they’re rarely at the mall.

Interviewer: How can you identify TCC staffers?

TCC:  You can’t. We have no special vestments for even Solomon in all his regal glory could not compare to a lily [Luke 12:27]. The only way to know for sure is to hang out at the base of sacred mountains and see who comes down transfigured [Matthew 17:2].

Interviewer:  If you eschew all publicity, then why are you doing this interview?

TCC:  Because I’m a hypocrite. They’re going to shun me for sure.

Manti Te’o on Broadway in Madame E-Butterfly

Manti Te’o–was he hoaxed or secretly gay for man-tight tail?

Either way, Manti would do well to sell his story to Broadway:  Madame E-Butterfly.

Or at least a lucrative website:  MadameEButterfly.com can hook you up with your own fake hot girlfriend who dies after a couple years!

Question: Why did Manti Te’o’s fake girlfriend threaten to break up with him? Answer: She couldn’t take all his lies.

Of course, none of us would be laughing if poor Manti had killed himself Romeo-style for a Juliette that did not exist. Most of us would not be laughing.

Free novel idea:  The Sorrows of Young E-Werther by E-Goethe (an e-book)

The moral of the story is that, in our own way, we’re all Manti Te’o’s–no wait, we’re all his fake girlfriend, or rather the dude behind the fake girlfriend, or are we the woman whose identity was falsely used?… Actually, there’s no moral to this story but damn it’s good–and that’s just what we know so far!

“Far from gay” was his answer to Katie Couric but then again whoever says they’re close?

“I’m not gay at all, but I’m damn close!”

“I have no attraction to men or their anatomy–but I almost do!”

What else is “close to gay?” Using the word “pesky” too often?

Sometimes I think I enjoy using cotton swab-sticks in my ears a little too intensely. It’s just such a good feeling: “Oh yeah, big buddy, ream me out! I’m all juicy and I need it!

My girlfriend asked me to choose–her or the Q-tips. So yeah, I’m single.

So that could be a little close to gay. And the fact that she never existed.

What if Everyone Laughed at Your DNA?

Now that we know Europeans and Asians have some Neanderthal DNA it is definitely time to revise our opinions of Neanderthals and start portraying them as smart. No bias. What bias?

Historians need to dig up Columbus’ bones and test to see if he had any gay DNA:

Mystery: those were some long-ass voyages.

Mystery: he could have been a weaver like his father and been surrounded by Italian women aggrieved by the mistress system, but no, he wanted to be alone with sailors and cabin boys far from home. Far from whorehouses even.

Mystery: Columbus had a dark secret he wouldn’t even tell his sons, but perhaps it was a secret we might think of today as more rainbow-bright than dark.

If genes are so selfish, as Dr. Dawkins professes, then gay genes must be the least selfish. They just keep giving and giving and giving.

It’s debatable whether there is true homosexuality in the animal kingdom but we know that plants are very gay. As much male pollen ends up on other male plants as on female plants.

And they’re huge Onanists, casting most of their pollen on the ground.

Plants were the first creatures to whore themselves out to other species, flaunting big round hot-colored fruits and flowers for anyone to just come and poke around in. All for sex and a cheap ride.

And plants love gerbils. As a general rule, the bigger the plant, the more they like gerbils. They call it “aerating the soil”–digging tunnels in the dirt and tickling their tap roots. But a lot of rodents die in those tunnels so it’s not funny.Celebrity_DNA_Henry_Louis_Gates

Alternate Visions of Hell

Hell is an eternal cringe.

Hell is a cruel joke whose vicious punchline you don’t get at first because you are the punchline. No wait, that’s life.

Hell is embarrassing. More so than life.

Hell is both lonely and devoid of all privacy. Experience is entirely alienated and yet the suffering is all too personal. High school was nothing.

In Hell, all the negative emotions are infinitely intense and constant except for those equally painful moments when all emotions seem false and self-crushingly hollow.

The infinite remorse despair desperation loss blah-blah-blah is alleviated only by the brief festivities surrounding Satan Appreciation Week.

The climax of the festivities is the grand reinstatement of all that crushing pain and misery. Satan knows how to throw a party and he also knows how to end one.

And the black hole tour sucks. Sucks!

Satan’s under-bosses produce charts and reports to him showing their output and productivity–i.e., suffering levels. They are rewarded by being allowed to suffer a little less than everyone else. To earn this pathetic pittance their brutality knows no bounds.

And when you look on the bright side it just burns. Never look on the bright side. Never.

Half the people that show up for work on a given day in Hell might have forgotten to put their pants on. The other half laugh and point. But then a hideous beast suddenly materializes and slices them to pieces before they can barely stop laughing.

So are the pant-less people then in the clear? No, because they get attacked by the Soul Rapists.

Satanic moral of the story: better to get sliced to pieces by a hideous beast than soul-raped. So now you know.

And that’s just a Tuesday. By Thursday, the place is a total madhouse.

Okay, Who Stole the Trillion Dollar Coin?

It’s troubling that the government would even consider a policy that sounds like a cheap Hollywood plot device. Wouldn’t we just encourage the emergence of a James-Bond-villain with such a prize?

scaramanga_steals_trillion_dollar_coin2

Scaramanga: the Man with the Trillion Dollar Coin

The security alone for such a coin would cost a mint–security that would prove worthless if aliens ever decided to steal it. Then we’d owe them our children.

Statute of limitations is only twenty years. 21 years later: “Here’s my trillion dollar coin!”

But then again, a thousand billion dollar coins spread out over a thousand secret locations doesn’t sound any better. Security costs would be much higher.

Also, it’s a lot easier to buy a pack of gum or some other trifle and “break” a billion dollar coin than it is with a trillion dollar coin.  A lot easier.

It’s almost chump change in Dubai and Macau. Benny Binion would have taken it for a table wager. His heirs would have taken it for other things 😦

But it would take a James-Bond-villain-type-fence to convert a trillion dollar coin into untraceable fully fungible assets such as, say, cash. Super Fly meets Super Fence!

I never thought a fiscal policy could be described as “having bad vibes,” or “too much like Hollywood,” but I think the trillion dollar coin idea achieves that distinction.Kerry_confirmation_Secretary_State