He is the greatest painter–every second a halo of infinitely varied sunsets and sunrises sweeps around the globe; the greatest storyteller–supreme in all the genres and their seamless blending; the greatest sculptor–look at that ass!; the greatest scientist, the greatest friend, the greatest patron, the greatest dramatist–
“But I”m not funny and there’s nothing funny about me at all.”
Verily his deadpan is killer.
But most people don’t. They should. Then they’d be more like me. Strike that–I don’t want a bunch of me’s out there.
Remembering jokes is like remembering dreams for most people; it just slips through. Because they’re slimy. Jokes slither where few else dare to tread, leaving no tracks in the memory.
I was looking at this pack of incense sticks in the hippie heath food store when I noticed one with a very strange name. “Virgin of Guadalupe?!” I asked aloud. “What would the Virgin of Guadalupe smell like?”
“Fresh,” answered the passing hippie store clerk.
See, I remember that. It’s a good memory. Jokes make for good memories if you just take the time to grab ’em by the tail before they slither off. You should always be able to make yourself laugh just by recollecting funny shit.
Because if you can do that then–then–then you’d be more like me… Strike that, keep yourself laugh-deprived.
People who make jokes need to start a tradition of occasional allusions to other jokes. All the other art forms do it. They keep each other relevant that way, like academics who quote other academics who quote them. It’s part of the inherent circle-jerk nature of culture.
Here, let me show you–look into this microscope:
See?
Now that was a Python joke, from the Scottish UFO skit. Relevant once again thanks to me. And you were going to let that joke die!
Great jokes shouldn’t die. Not right away. They should last as long as great poems, which is like what, 100 years? Something like that.
When great jokes live on within you then you live on within their greatness. And you become more…more…more like me.
Strike that, let ’em die. You don’t want to be like me and laugh out loud by yourself in the supermarket. You can get hauled off for that. And for good reason too–out of context laughter is a threat to any decent social order.
Here, let me show you:
They say that if our memories were too distinct we’d die from all the recollected pain. So if we could remember all the laughs all at once we’d get hauled off.
And then you’d really be like me. And that’s no good.
The secret of Purgatory is that it’s really Hell.
No, we’re not getting pitchforked but the sleeplessness is killing us and we’re not even allowed to die. That Outer Darkness might not be so bad if there was some shuteye.
That’s why we tend to haunt the night and show up in dreams–not because we prefer the night, we’re just jealous you can sleep, that’s all.
In the daytime everyone can daydream, even us. No it’s not sleep, but it’s something. It’s hard to daydream at night–being awake at night makes you too damn focused… Forever
Jealousy is a big part of Purgatory. Naturally–we can see the whole world and can’t have any of it. Sometimes when we throw a severe tantrum we’re able to jostle a coffee cup, big deal.
Being able to watch anyone in the world while they undress for bed only adds to the jealousy.
And no, we’re not here to help–you think we give a fuck about Scrooge? We’re just mad that a super-scumbag like him could sleep soundly while ordinary scumbags like us have to endure eternal insomnia. The fact that he made it into a character-reforming experience is his business, we literally don’t give a damn.
What, you’re getting bored of all this Purgatory talk?
We’ve been exhausted by it for millennia and it’s not getting any better. Don’t even talk to me about getting tired.
Hitler: Had a weird haircut that later became popular among the New Wavers of the 1980s
Trump: Has an even stranger hairstyle that will never become popular because it’s obviously ridiculous, even to New Wavers (Flock of Seagulls notwithstanding)
Hitler: Served in World War I for the duration and twice won the Iron Cross for bravery
Trump: Dodged the draft; never served; never would serve; almost shit his pants when an unarmed protester rushed the stage
Hitler: Did not incite riots after being denied the Chancellorship in 1932 even though he had obtained the largest plurality of votes
Trump: Threatens riots if he falls short of the necessary votes to win the nomination
Hitler: Eschewed profanity; never swore in public
Trump: Fuckin’ swears all the time
Hitler: Successfully built the Atlantic Wall and the Siegfried Line
Trump: Talks a bunch of shit about a wall that will never get built and which we don’t need anyway
Trump: Publicly called Mexicans rapists and criminals
Hitler: Never said anything bad about Mexicans
Hitler: Stirred up less-educated people to hate minorities, foreigners and political opponents
Trump: Same thing…but other than that minor detail, he’s no Hitler
A lot of these UFO abduction reports seem to involve sperm and egg removal so if you’re a man you’re better off keeping yourself on empty.
By any means necessary
In fact, if more men walked around empty the world would be a safer place even without the aliens. I know it’s nice to tote around a reservoir of energy, ready for action, but it causes conflicts, so if the action is not realistically coming, you’re better off running on empty.
You’ll say less stupid things. Load level and long term planning vary inversely to each other, so think ahead and let it go first.
Empty stomachs cause wars but empty wabs sooth the savage beast.
A mother bear with cubs will kill you but a male bear who’s just made cubs won’t give a shit.
Are you really in love with her? Hollow your rocks and then think about whether you still want to be with her. Do you? Then you’re in love.
The poet Heinrich Heine said that draining the well dried up his Muse—yeah, lighter balls lead to less Hiney poems, no shit.
That was corny because I’m running light. But I’m at peace too. I certainly don’t need that.
Not yet… I’m good for now and now is all you get in life.
When you’re fully empty and you see a beautiful woman your life does not become deficient. You’re OK with it. Less is more, see.
It’s hard to think about God or philosophy with a heavy sack. Priests should be required to auto-deflate in order to get closer to God. You can’t be spiritual thinking about that ass! So just go ahead and think about that ass and get it over with and then spend the rest of the day on your meditations and services, unencumbered by those mindless little single-celled organisms that take over your thinking and cause half the world’s evil.
Because sperm liberation is human liberation.
And it fucks with the aliens’ evil agenda. I’ve never been abducted.
Ants don’t like being pissed on.
If your cigarette falls into a spider web you’d better not smoke it.
But if you find actual roaches in your bag of pot it’s ok.
Killing all the spiders in your house only leads to a millipede infestation so why bother.
Most animals are sexists but only domesticated pets are racists. That’s the human influence.
When your cat brings home a dead bird you should respond by putting a dead goose in its litter box. And if they bring home a dead mouse leave them a dead guinea pig. They’ll get the message.
Animals have better orgasms than we do. And that’s why stupid people are better lovers.
Moths fly crooked because they can’t remember shit. They don’t have to.
A housecat addicted to second-hand tobacco smoke will love you forever. Just don’t quit.
A bear addicted to tobacco smoke, however, is a menace to society.
Houseflies may be stupid but they know when you’re holding a flyswatter and when you’re not.
Plants don’t care who they fuck.
Mollusks ain’t much better.
But birds are too choosey. It’s all about that golden balance.
I checked the Bible, the Bhagavad-Gita and the Koran, and God never uses the expression “Having said that.”
Why everyone else seems to be saying it is one of the mysteries of existence.
It’s hard to think of any great statements from history that would be improved by adding on a “Having said that,”:
If “having said that” does not improve any statement, why is everyone having said it?
And if “Not having said that,” makes no sense, what are we really saying by its opposite?
If it means anything, it’s a backtrack phrase, really–a slight retreat on one front so as to consolidate the overall import of the statement.
On the other hand, there’s a guido TV weatherman in Orlando who uses “having said that” as a verbal segue bridging tonight’s lows and tomorrow’s highs with the seven day forecast. No semantic content at all: “Having said that, I now say this.”
I suspect that the phrase in question makes people feel important or authoritative when they say it, and that’s part of its recent popularity. As if: I’m so important and informative even the modulations of my opinions are worth discussion.
What did Pete Seeger do for fun while on the road away from his wife, serving this cause or that—no drinking, no smoking, no bars, and supposedly no women?
He could be a saint—did Pete Seeger perform any miracles?
Did his songs?
Rename the Hudson the Seeger.
Because who was better, really?
Someone else who was also white would have eventually found the Hudson River. Big deal. The Indians already had a pretty good idea it existed, since they lived there.
But it’s not clear that someone else inevitably would have written “If I Had a Hammer,” or set Ecclesiastes to music and added “turn turn turn.”
Being banned from TV was the ultimate 20th century version of martyrdom.
And resisting tobacco ad money was like resisting the Devil’s best temptations after 40 days and nights of deprivation.
What we really need is a muck-raking expose that brings this guy down to our level. Something bad, something really, really bad needs to be uncovered.
From the lawn chair of enlightenment
in the suburban yard of the Strip-Mall Oracle
came the wisdom of the moment,
cogent, clear, and marketable:
“As depth is perpendicular to length and height
so too time is at right angles to everything in sight.
Beyond time, what is perpendicular to it?
Meaning, truth, and the goodness that comes through it.”
After a few digressions concerning money and stock picks
–since it only speaks when asked of something–
the Oracle resumed its discourse on more lofty topics:
“[unintelligible]… to exceed one’s dimension is the object,
to grow beyond Time is the crown,
thus meaning can only be attained and never just found…
“And to you I say the Mets look good this year,
but then that’s always true until mid-summer draws near.
And to you, I say leave that bitch,
she slept with one of your friends–you’re better not knowing which…”
A few hours later, after countless mundane truths
–a woman’s computer problems were not only intricate,
but the solutions very hard to fit into a rhyme–
the Oracle spoke once again to those seeking sooth:
“…the higher dimensions do not discard the lower,
nor do they replace them, no, they remain dependent,
though not all information from below is equally ascendant.
“Just as time cannot, in three dimensions, become static,
so too must the meaning of time–
the time of time, time squared–
forever remain elastic.
“Now, about those mortgage rates…”
23-and-Me-Harmony.com
Find your perfect genetic match, the One who God placed here to provide you with good stock
Match-Credit-Report.com
Date only the winners.
And lose to them.
Affordable-Health-Care-Radio.com [Obamacare 1400]
The hippest hold music in the Western Hempisphere
The Intersection of Dimensions
No one knows what this website is other than “it’s coming” and it’s going to “change everything.”
Or it could just be a corner.
Evil-Harmony.com
Hook-up site for admitted scumbags.
And you.
Mensa-Stration.org
For intelligent people who are always on the rag.
Mensa-Bation.org
For intelligent people who would rather just jerk off.
My-Ad-Space.com
Make advertisers pay YOU for your valuable attention
According to the Japanese Minister for Weird Porn, the earthquake and tsunami of 2011 led to widespread shortages among the vending machines that sell used schoolgirl panties. Only a fraction of the shortages could be blamed on hoarding, since the long-term storage and preservation of that product line is notoriously difficult.
It’s a dirty little secret of disaster relief work that prostitutes charge much less after a natural disaster.
It’s not sexual harassment to grab some ass if you’re both caught in a mud-slide.
Living in the shadow of a volcano improves your sex life because sperm can sense danger. Hence Naples, Hawaii, and Iceland–all good places to get laid. I’ve been told.
Sperm are like rats on a ship–they know when it’s sinking before the captain. So if the person is in mortal danger, those little sperm bastards will want to jump and swim for it.
And that’s why if you ever find yourself horny all of a sudden for no apparent reason–check for mudslides (and something to grab). There might be a reason after all.
But it’s a horrible myth that displaced persons and war refugees are “easy.” Several UN studies have disproved these purported phenomena as statistically negligible.
The sex-worker discounts are real, however. So be altruistic and join up and come help wherever people are forced to like you by their horrible circumstances.
Spent. Done.
When I was a kid, it was amazing–worth sleeping out in the backyard for.
But no more. I’ve spent the past five or six years devoting a whole half hour each “peak night” and have come away disappointed.
They say meteors (shooting stars) are a bad sign. Or a good sign. Some kind of sign. But what about the end of shooting stars?
That could be a worse sign.
Although it’s kind of nice to have one on the younger generation, as if they belong to a less mythic age. Because that’s how I think of my predecessors, so why shouldn’t I get some of that same Time-glow?
“When I was a kid, you could get a natural psychedelic light show just laying on your back at night during the Dog Days of August. No more. Now you can only see it in Vv [Virtualvision]. Poor chumps….”
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Never taunt an egg, just because it didn’t make it.
Don’t trust lizards–they’re much too talkative (Carlos Castaneda).
If you see a squirrel spitting out a nut, you better look behind you really quick.
Never use the same noose twice.
Whenever a bird shits on you, immediately buy a lottery ticket–don’t even pause to clean the mess off your shoulder and hair or you’ll ruin the magic.
Just as learning braille will cause you to go blind, and learning sign language will make you go deaf, and using a wheelchair when you don’t have to will cripple you, so too oral sex causes impotence.
A peach that talks back is usually not a blessing.
Pomegranates are the most reliable of the talking fruits.
Apples are the least, but they’re still much more reliable than lizards.
If a cloud starts to take the shape of an animal, you need to stop whatever you’re doing and stare at it. You’ve got to.
Don’t let the blue-jays steal your soul–why do you think bird shit is such good luck?
If you fall in love with Nature don’t let the god of Mammon and money find out about it–keep it on the down low.
If you really loved Nature you wouldn’t talk about her age all the time.
Don’t disrespect the other planets and never fart in the ocean when the tide is going out.
Sex during lightening on an exposed hilltop can put a new charge in your love life.
Masturbation during lightening on an exposed hilltop, however, is just asking for an ignominious death. Thor’s hammer is for lovers not loners.
If you scoff at a superstition hard enough, it will come true for you, even if it was never really true before. That’s how these things get started–not by believers but by the hyper-skeptics who get zonked.
Never taunt an egg but don’t over-empathize with them either just because you were one once–you need a good breakfast.
No one wants to hear the word “fuckin” all the time, but then again I don’t want to hear any word all the time. You keep using the word “liquefy” in casual conversation and I’m going to quickly get sick of it and wonder what’s with all this liquefying bullshit?
I guess the only words we don’t mind hearing all the time is “the” and “a.”
And “and.”
But that’s it—ok, and “that.”
But we certainly don’t want to hear “but” too much. You can get fired for saying “but” all the time; you can lose friends by always being the “but” guy—no one wants to always hear the potential problems highlighted before anything’s ever given a chance.
Even an innocuous little helper word like “which” cannot be said too frequently or else people think that you’re confused or that you think in run-on sentences—which never come to a definite conclusion—which you need to do in order to let other people talk—which is the whole point of conversation—which …
“I can’t take him anymore—he’s become so over-modified.”
In Guantanamo, one interrogator was able to break many prisoners by constantly using words like “penetrate” in his conversations with detainees:
“No! Please don’t send me back to the ‘penetrate’ guy—I can’t take it anymore! Osama’s in Abbottobad! ….Abbottobad!…Yes, that’s a real place.. No, I don’t know how you would penetrate the security there—aagghhhh!”
Fortunately, using too many innuendo-words during an interrogation is against the Geneva Conventions: captured soldiers should never have to suffer the way civilian women sometimes must.
So other than “a” and “the” no word is worth repeating all the time.
Not even “fucking.”
And if you do repeat certain words—any words—people will psychologize you. And you don’t want that!
Soon there will be an app that will instantly psychologize other people’s speech patterns.
Therefore, you will need to get the other app which warns you in advance when your own speech is starting to form patterns with unwanted implications.
Naturally, when kids get hold of their parents’ devices they test it out for themselves in their own way:
“Hey computer, who the fuck are you to analyze my speech and tell me how to fuckin’ talk, huh?”
Computer app: “Are you trying to sound drunk? Otherwise, your speech sounds angry. Desist using ‘fuck.’ ”
Kids: “Desist this, fool!”
Computer app: “Confrontational tone projected. Avoid confrontational perjoratives like ‘fool.’ Also, the whole ‘blank-this’ format is generally rude.”
Perverted Wisdom 