Morning Joe Jumps the Shark — Chris Cuomo New King of Morning TV

Morning Joe attempts to do what even the Fonz couldn’t get away with

Morning Joe attempting to do what even the Fonz couldn’t get away with

Now that Mika Brzezinski is apparently no longer in danger of having a neurotic breakdown on live TV, and now that Joe Scarborough is more concerned about a future run for political office than speaking uncomfortable truths to his fellow Republicans (example: his refusal to admit that Sarah Palin is an annoying idiot or that the obese bully Chris Christie is politically dead and rightly so), their formerly amusing TV show has become a sad wasteland of empty political clichés and sycophantic ass-kisses to VIP’s they dare not discomfit.

Their latest epic fail, the one that put them on water skis in leather jackets and sent them airborne over a pool of sharks happened today, when they brought in a troupe of kids from a New York City charter school to play chess and do math problems in the background. Ugghh!

Let me guess, that was Mika’s idea, right?

No, it’s not cute. No, it’s not endearing. And no, it’s not informative or entertaining.

Look, I agree with many of Mika’s political views, so take my advice: go back to the old days when she was repressed, ignored, and overruled. It may not have been fair, it may have even been sexist and cruel, but at least it was funny. Victimhood better suits her humorless personality anyway.

Of course, as a capitalist, Joe believes in competition, and now I also believe in Joe’s competition—Chris Cuomo of CNN’s New Day. His Guido-bulldog personality is just what the “wimpy” liberal democrats have needed for generations.

CNN New Day's Chris Cuomo, liberal bulldog

CNN New Day’s Chris Cuomo, liberal bulldog

Relax Reince, Hillary won’t win anyway because…

2016 is destined to be a sumo match:

Yet another reason Hillary won't win in 2016

Yet another reason Hillary won’t win in 2016

Hillary got “neo-conned” by 9-11 while senator for New York, and the sad strange truth is that while America still loves Israel, they’ve pretty much had it with the neo-cons. (And no, they don’t see any irony there.)

It is written in the stars that the first female president will be Elizabeth Warren (after Chris Christie screws everything built up under Obama– we shouldn’t have nominated Michael Moore!)

Hillary’s record as secretary of state isn’t that great. Actually, it sucks:  no Mideast peace; no reset with Russia; Benghazi;  taking health-related postponements from the Congressional hearings and then coming back and claiming too much time had passed.

“What difference does it make?!”

Even if she won the democratic nomination, Bill Clinton’s speech at her convention won’t be as good as his 2012 speech for Obama. In fact, it’ll suck. He has his complicated side, too.

“No other secretary of state could have done any better than Hillary under those circumstances–not me, nor any of my predecessors…”

This time, Chelsea will be fair game. News people like David Shuster will be able to speak their minds again.

The two-hour TV docu-drama on Hillary will be produced by FOX–the whole thing will be crawling with subliminal ads for Christie, plus special “web-extra” content that can tear apart any pantsuit.

The Last Wholesome Perversion: NILF Leching

What used to be called perversions are now either accepted as normal or remain perversions for good fucking reason so stay away from that shit!

Unlike the old days, there are no longer any good perversions left, except, I submit, the allure of the NILF, a term invented by Samantha Bee to mean Newswomen I’d Like to [Friend on Facebook]. (Her very funny Daily Show bit can be found here:–k?xrs=share_copy tell ’em I sent ya’)

NILF leching is like when you were a kid watching an attractive teacher at the blackboard vigorously scribbling some shit about fractions. NILFs replicate that very first perversion of school-damaged young boys.

(The Powerpoint Generation is really missing out on some old-fashioned twistedness by not using blackboards. I still remember when Mrs. Brandt leaned against the blackboard causing chalk dust to highlight the apex of each of her buttocks, giving it a kind of see-through look that lasted until she figured out why we were laughing behind her back. Probably a girl said something to her out of an unfortunate sense of sisterhood. Then there were the MILFy teachers that always managed to get chalk handprints on their hips and upper butt area, an area which deserves its own non-scientific name, but this is becoming a digressive black hole. As the Germans would say if they didn’t speak German so well:  “Wir fressen an Digression!” [translation: we feed like animals on digression, except there is no such word in German because they never digress, they’re always on-fucking-point and annoyed you aren’t.])*

The other perverted aspect of NILF leching is that these women are giving us very important information—it’s the news goddammit, pay attention! By casting lecherous male gazes while they perform information, we are in effect stripping them of their cultural identity, and anything with stripping in it must be perverted or erotic.

It is the gulf between the seriousness of “the news” and the hotness of these dames sitting there telling me about it that makes NILF-leching seem so perverted.

The fact is, any woman will look hotter if she reads the news on TV. If Betty Nguyen weren’t Betty Nguyen and were in a porno, it would be just another Asian porno, whatever. But if Betty Nguyen was suddenly in a porno, Bit-torrent would fry. The Pentagon would owe even more on their credit cards (apparently only they don’t know how to download for free).

I can’t imagine women feel the same way about Brian Williams, but I could be wrong. Perhaps, like many perversions, it’s a guy thing.

Speaking of which, the programming on Lifetime Television for Women proves it: men are by far the more perverted ones, but women are the ones who wanna watch all about it.

Postscript (meaning this shit is over): *There are two German words for digression: abschwiefung (“I didn’t sneeze.”) and Umschwiefe (“And your wife too.”)

©2012, Alan Brech