I Lost My Cock at Kandahar

It’s time we reached out and helped a group of wounded warriors who don’t normally get our attention. I’m talking about vets who got their dicks shot off.

These heroes gave their all. They gave more than their all–they gave their part.

“I gave my dick for this country! And a nut. Now I’m home I got what–a purple heart and some thank you’s?”

“When my country came calling, I put everything on the line, including my dick.”

“Do you know how painful it is to be with a woman and have her say ‘Wow, I really like you–it’s too bad you don’t have a dick.‘  That hurts, man. That really hurts. Especially from a whore.”

“No, I don’t’ want a special parade! No one does. Who wants to march under a banner that says ‘Dickless!‘? The fucking Pentagon wanted to give us a special modified Purple Heart and we said “No thanks!‘ No one wants to display a medal that proclaims ‘Hey I’m dickless!‘”

Helping these men is not easy. Sympathy dates often backfire and lead to mutual frustration. Male camaraderie is also hard to cultivate between combat vets and the normal civilian bitches who pass for men.

“It’s a sacrifice no woman can make and very few wives are willing to share.”

“I’ve had quadriplegics feel sorry for me.”

Not everyone is in a position to help. But we’re all in position to help those who are in a position to help. So give to the shady relief organization of your choice–the one with the slick graphics who pull all the right heartstrings. They’ll know what to do.

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You’ve Probably Never Heard of the True Christian Charity–and Probably Never Will

Because at True Christian Charity® we distribute money and assistance the way Jesus taught.

Interviewer: What are some of the more prominent charitable projects undertaken by the TCC (the True Christian Charity) over the last few years?

TCC Representative:  I can’t say. I mean, I won’t say.

Interviewer:  Won’t say? Why not?

TCC:  Because when it comes to charitable giving, Jesus said “When thou doest alms, let not thy left hand know what thy right hand doeth” [Matthew 6:3]. That means keep it a secret even from yourself. And Jesus often bade the recipients of his miracles to stay quiet about it. A true Christian does not publicly display their piety or their virtue [Mark 12:40].

Interviewer:  How do you make sure your gifts are going to the truly needy?

TCC:  We don’t.

Interviewer:  But you could end up giving to criminals and other un-worthies.

TCC:  “Him that taketh away thy cloak forbid not to take thy coat also” [Luke 6:29].

 Interviewer:  What if it’s al-Qaeda?

TCC:  We hope it is al-Qaeda: “Resist not evil: but whoever shall smite you on your right cheek, turn to him the other also [Matthew 5:39]. “Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them who spitefully use you, and persecute you” [Matthew 5:44]. “Vengeance is mine; I will repay” [Hebrews 10:30].

Interviewer:  What are some of your future plans at TCC looking forward?

TCC:  No plans whatsoever:  “Take no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself” [Matthew 6:34].

Interviewer:  Is there any charitable project that TCC will not assist?

TCC:  Yes, TCC will not help anyone with their funeral expenses, no matter how destitute you might be: “Let the dead bury the dead” [Matthew 8:22].

Interviewer:  So how can people get in touch with the TCC? Do you have a website?

TCC:  No, that would be vain and boastful.

Interviewer: So how can people contact the TCC?

TCC:  In private. Alone. In your secret places where you can shut the door behind you [Matthew 6:6]. Or on mountaintops, near clean bodies of water, fishing camps, fishing holes, anything to do with fishing–that’s where many TCC staffers spend their time. But you might also find them in an IRS office or outside a whorehouse. You never know. But they’re rarely at the mall.

Interviewer: How can you identify TCC staffers?

TCC:  You can’t. We have no special vestments for even Solomon in all his regal glory could not compare to a lily [Luke 12:27]. The only way to know for sure is to hang out at the base of sacred mountains and see who comes down transfigured [Matthew 17:2].

Interviewer:  If you eschew all publicity, then why are you doing this interview?

TCC:  Because I’m a hypocrite. They’re going to shun me for sure.