Q:   What “special occasion” is joyous in the morning, awesome in the early afternoon, just what you needed in the late afternoon, and depressing as hell in the evening?

A:   Your birthday.

1 – 10:     Happy Birthday!  I got you this really fun toy!  Remember to share with your little brother…

11 – 19:   Happy birthday kid!  I got you this interesting and expensive device you always wanted!  Don’t let your little brother get into it and mess it up…

20 – 29:   Happy birthday man–I got you this really useful item I’m sure you could use in your new apartment.

30 – 39:   Happy birthday–I know I’m a little late, so to make up for it I got you this goofy little item to make you laugh. Remember when we used to–

40 – 49:   Happy Birthday–it is your birthday, right?–I couldn’t figure out what to get you so I got you this funny card about getting fat, bald and old. Obviously it’s just a joke–you’re still the Stud-King!

50 – 60:   Okay, I won’t mention it.  I don’t really celebrate mine either.  ‘Hate birthdays!

61 + :      Hi Grandpa, my kids drew you this cute little card.  Isn’t that sweet?  Now remember, it’s Little Junior’s birthday next month.  There’s this new “awesome” toy he says he wants–here, I’ll write it down on your calendar so you can remember…