Introducing the NEW 2013 Kia Slut—
Impress all your friends when you drive around with a new Slut!
None of them will know that you only paid $9,999!
Photo: Rush Limbaugh; caption: “10 grand for a car? I wouldn’t be caught dead inside a Slut!”
Photo: anonymous silhouette of Rush’s former girlfriend, although it’s quite obviously Daren Kagan from CNN; Caption: “I disagree–you almost OD’d on oxy that time we did it in Atlanta!”

Not impressed? You will be by the 2013 Plymouth Pimpna!
Such an amazing car all your friends will want to lease it from you! You’ll be SO proud when you turn this bitch out!

No? What about the new Honda Hoodwagon!
Now you don’t have to leave the hood behind when you leave the hood behind!
Photo: man and shapely woman in the ‘hood; Man:  “I want to leave what’s behind me, I just don’t want to leave what’s behind you.”

Or perhaps you want real class, the kind that says MONEY! without admitting to its criminal origins: then you’ll love the new Mercedes Fat Cat!

Leftists, don’t begrudge Mercedes their business–they’ve been successfully redistributing wealth from rich undeserving bastards to hardworking mechanics for almost a century now! Other excellent wealth redistributors include the BMW Braggart and the Acura Ego-Bubble.

Feeling priced out? Well don’t–not until you try the super-affordable 2013 Toyota Skankna!
It’s got all the features of the Kia Slut for only $1,999 more!
Put some cocaine in the gas tank and it will get ONE HUNDRED miles to the gallon in the city! And ONLY in the city! (Warning: this car does not peform well in rural conditions and can often lead to war among kinfolk.)
A satisfied customer: “For the price of a mere eightball, I was able to get 110 miles to the gallon! Of course, it won’t work at all for a few days after, and it’s a slow cranky start when it does, but it’s a hell of a ride zipping from parking lot to parking lot searching for the most happening party.”

Ladies, we haven’t forgotten you yet, so here’s a peek at the new 2013 Dodge Doable!
Find that mythical “special-set-of-guys” that supposedly exists out there waiting for you to date and marry into their wonderful specialness forever! With this car.
Remember, with the Dodge Doable, your dreams are as doable as you are!

But let’s face it–sluts, and skanks, and do-ables and special-sets-of-guys are all meaningless compared to your fucking SAFETY! And that’s why Ford has just introduced its new 2013 SUV–the Ford Illiterate Accident Survivor!
“I can’t read the accidental report cuz I’m illiberat. He can’t read the report [points to mangled metal pile] cuz he’s dead. So much for that VW Fahrfennazi bullshit….”

And finally, for the guidos: the Mazda Racketeer!
Drive from Jersey to New York and then back again all the while feeling like a successful criminal, and not the law-abiding loser your wife has turned you into!

(c) 2012, Alan Brech