Lessons from the Study of Nature

Ants don’t like being pissed on.

If your cigarette falls into a spider web you’d better not smoke it.

But if you find actual roaches in your bag of pot it’s ok.

Killing all the spiders in your house only leads to a millipede infestation so why bother.

Most animals are sexists but only domesticated pets are racists. That’s the human influence.

When your cat brings home a dead bird you should respond by putting a dead goose in its litter box. And if they bring home a dead mouse leave them a dead guinea pig. They’ll get the message.

Animals have better orgasms than we do. And that’s why stupid people are better lovers.

Moths fly crooked because they can’t remember shit. They don’t have to.

A housecat addicted to second-hand tobacco smoke will love you forever. Just don’t quit.

A bear addicted to tobacco smoke, however, is a menace to society.

Houseflies may be stupid but they know when you’re holding a flyswatter and when you’re not.

Plants don’t care who they fuck.

Mollusks ain’t much better.

But birds are too choosey. It’s all about that golden balance.

Jealous of Trees

Plants are too slow. They need to get a move on.

We could have ten seasons a year but for their slowness.

If they breathed harder, we could lock away more CO-2.

But no, they never work themselves into a huff.  And they never get gray leaves.

Trees are among the few creatures that look better when they’re old.

Even the ones that have been dead and snapped for several years have that jagged look.

Age is a positive selling point when it comes to tree sex.

It’s always the same story:  young nubile sapling seeks near-dead old walnut.

But what kind of “survival strategy” is it for plants to just sit there and support everybody else?

If plants knew some more Darwin they’d have adaptified that. We should have stingy plants instead.

If in the end plants win the struggle for survival then Darwin’s theory of that struggle loses. The plants will look back on the fossils of their long-extinct fellow earthlings and say: “See, they weren’t generous enough.”