Precepts of Moderate Religiosity

Praying too little means you’re probably only praying when you need something.

Praying too much is disrespectful. You should pray more than you need to but less than you “have to.”

Make it special for Godsake!

Religion and edifying spirituality is the salt of the earth, not the dirt; it should not be everywhere all the time.

Turn the other cheek so the second punch misses.

It’s better to shop for churches than to go to just one.

All of the world’s Holy Books have many edifying qualities, and many, many stupid parts as well. See, ya gotta keep shopping.

It’s possible Jesus and others have been apotheosized into someone super-supernatural. But it’s a certainty that none of the Advanced Aliens believe in him. They might have their own. Point is, if any earthly entity has become godlike, its only in these parts. Not Andromeda. Those Crab Nebulans aren’t preaching our gospels, and why should they? ‘You gonna send a whole nebula to Hell?

The concept of hell need not be abandoned, just radically downsized. Hell is surgery not needless suffering. It makes things better or else God wouldn’t have made it. But its probably surgery without anaesthesia, so watch out.

The parts where Jesus sounds like a hippie are the best parts. But that still doesn’t make being a hippie the right way to go.

“This church is the only true one” is virus code.

Be fruitful and multiply has become virus code. It used to be good and therefore holy. But that was then.

The fruit by which ye shall know them is when they forbid you to look at the rest of the garden and they talk shit about it. That’s when you know your fruit has gone bad. And all fruit go bad.

That’s why you gotta keep shopping.

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His Act Died for Your Sins

Laugh not lest ye be laughed at.

If a brother should smite thee with a humorous anecdote, reply with two stories even more self-deprecating.

Blessed are the unfunny and the dull-witted for their zingers will rip us new assholes in the Kingdom of Heaven.

Blessed are the easily confused and those who never get the joke for they shall receive the humor of God and will know when the archangels are being sarcastic. Yea, they will finally get it.

Blessed are those who suffer ethnic disparagement because of the crude, silly antics of their countrymen, for they shall have better addresses. And better countrymen.

In the beginning was the Pun and the Pun was stupid. Stupid good!

Get thee behind me, hack comedian!

Whose face is on this button? Bozo’s? Then give unto Bozo that which is Bozo’s.

But avoid the leaven of the hack comedians so that thy humor is not fluffy and airy but tough and full of substance like unleavened bread.

For wide is the gate, and broad is the way, and slippery is the surface that leadeth to cheap laughs.

And if a heckler should ruin your act, go ahead and give him your overcoat as well. The one with bubonic fleas.

Ask, and it shall be given unto you; seek, and ye shall find; knock and it shall be opened unto you. Knock-knock, and we’re pulling your ass off the stage.

Forgive them Father, for they do not know a good joke for shit… But please kill those hecklers.