Tag Archives: behavior

Lessons from the Study of Nature

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Ants don’t like being pissed on.

If your cigarette falls into a spider web you’d better not smoke it.

But if you find actual roaches in your bag of pot it’s ok.

Killing all the spiders in your house only leads to a millipede infestation so why bother.

Most animals are sexists but only domesticated pets are racists. That’s the human influence.

When your cat brings home a dead bird you should respond by putting a dead goose in its litter box. And if they bring home a dead mouse leave them a dead guinea pig. They’ll get the message.

Animals have better orgasms than we do. And that’s why stupid people are better lovers.

Moths fly crooked because they can’t remember shit. They don’t have to.

A housecat addicted to second-hand tobacco smoke will love you forever. Just don’t quit.

A bear addicted to tobacco smoke, however, is a menace to society.

Houseflies may be stupid but they know when you’re holding a flyswatter and when you’re not.

Plants don’t care who they fuck.

Mollusks ain’t much better.

But birds are too choosey. It’s all about that golden balance.

Conflicting Imperatives from the Ethos of the Age

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The Ethos says:

Get your self centered without getting self-centered.

Be open to complexity and exceptions without being overly nuanced.

Live for the moment without improvidence.

Be your own man as a team player.

Find out who you are by transcending yourself.

Avoid sophistry and certitude.

Live for today and don’t stop thinking about tomorrow.

Know your limits and other people’s limits without ever testing or pushing them.

Be a good Samaritan not a sucker.

Be neither paralyzed by skepticism nor blinded by faith.

The future belongs to realistic dreamers.

Be busy like the bee–busy smelling flowers. And hive work. Lots of hive work.

For the religious: Put away the things of childhood¹ for they are of the Kingdom of Heaven.²  Now go seek ye the Kingdom of Heaven.³

Be neither promiscuous nor chaste. Just stay on the right side of the bell-curve of vice, wherever that may be.

Stand up and be counted then sit down and shut up. Know exactly when either is appropriate–there are no firm rules but you still have to know them.

Be pragmatic in your idealism, and principled in your pragmatism. Generally.

Only marry someone if you’re seriously willing to spend the next eight years with them. It’s a big commitment.

Change the system without threatening anyone. Politely modify the status quo. Venerate that which you obsolesce and replace.

Be classy by accident. (4)

Always be the one who always looked the way current fashion dictates long before it was fashionable.(5) Or just give up and wait 20 years.

Joke Notes

1.  1 Corinthians 13:11
2.  Matthew 18:3 and 4; Matthew 19:14
3.  Matthew 6:33
4. The accident of birth into a higher class being the fundamental accident that is at the root of classiness.
5. Can’t be done? When you’re young or wealthy many things are possible–just change your friends every time you change your fashions.