Nicotine or Gasoline?

I decided to quit tobacco (again) but not gasoline. I’m not sure I’m making the right choice:

Both cost about $7 a day I can’t afford. Both pollute. Normally tobacco pollutes the partaker more than gasoline but in my old car it’s different. So they both pollute; me, us and them.

They both get burned. Oxidized money. My gas money goes to frackers and my tobacco money goes to crackers, except they’re so wealthy now they’re not crackers, I am.

Gasoline gets me from Point A to Point B. Nicotine lets me enjoy Point A.  And Point B too if I get there. If there’s a long distance between A and B, nicotine helps with that too.

Tobacco kills, but so do highways. And highways also kill cute mammals and birds and turtles. Nicotine kills bugs.

And feelings. That’s why Bogart smoked. You gotta be tough, especially if you live at night.

It’s true that the Pope and the Dali Lama would lose their holiness if they ever lit up in public, I admit that. But they don’t live at night, like me and Bogey, so it’s different.

There are alternatives to gasoline. There are no alternatives to nicotine. Even junkies smoke. And if they ever quit the smack they often keep the smoke. It’s that good.

Quitting nicotine causes withdrawals. So does gasoline. You get withdrawn when you can’t drive everywhere.

I’m all for public transportation–there’s a friendly community of people who regularly use the bus system in the burbs and they’re not withdrawn–I just don’t want any part of it.

I’m all for public health too, not because I care but because I don’t want them infecting me. Say what you want about cancer, at least it’s not contagious.

Gas fumes and oil leaks are contagious. Global warming is contagious. Even when traffic accidents don’t result in contagious pile-ups, they contagiously ruin everyone else’s day through hellish delays. Brutal delays. Absolute torture, sitting there listening to music with your fellow delayees.

So I’m quitting nicotine (again) but not gasoline (ever). I’m just so damned selfish.

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Traffic Signs from the Future

gaycruisingsign roughtradesign no_vertical_passing_sign ozone_reentry_sign

Text only:

  • THIS AIRSPACE IS GOVERNED BY SHARIA LAW
  • BUCKLE UP–IT’S LUNAR LAW!
  • WELCOME TO THE UNDERWATER HISTORIC VILLAGE OF NEW ORLEANS
  • USE OF PHONE AND TEXT DEVICES PROHIBITED IN HYPERSPACE
  • DRINKING WHILE DRONING IS A FELONY!
  • HAZARDOUS CONDITIONS:  PROCEED IN YOUR OWN RELATIVE TIME FRAME