I’m Against Violence So Why Do I Want To Beat The Crap Out Of —

•   Neill Clark Warren, founder of E-Harmony, and, sorry to admit, his granddaughter:Neil-Clark-WarrenTheory: Neill Clark Warren exudes that bland, smarmy, fake goodness of a Mormon or Christian pastor, especially when he talks to his granddaughter.

eharmony-granddaughter-large-7Why do I want to beat up his granddaughter? I don’t know, I guess I’m just evil. Or maybe she crosses the line between genuinely cute, and overdone, sickeningly fake cute.

batman_fight•   Beth and Michelle from The Paper Cottage (TV ad for Chase):

"Hi, I'm Beth."  "And I'm Michelle, and we run The Paper Cottage..."

“Hi, I’m Beth.”
“And I’m Michelle.”
“And we run The Paper Cottage.”

Theory:  The Paper Cottage does not seem like a real business. I mean, I’m sure it exists, but it doesn’t seem like a business that could support a family (or two families) all by itself. In other words, it’s really just a hobby for two women whose kids have grown up and left and whose spouses want them out of the house so they can look at some good internet porn.batman_fight-2

•   Karen and Jeremiah from the Ameritrade ad:


“This is Karen and Jeremiah. They don’t know it yet, but they’re going to fall in love, get married, have a couple of kids, move to the country, and live a long happy life together where they almost never fight about money…”

Theory: Their whole life is a cliché that can be summarized by a demographer or even a computer. And that’s appealing to people! People want that! No one really wants to be unique—God no, it’s too lonely…errgghh!


Syria’s Serious Series of Saracen-Searing Sarin Sites Cited by a Series of Syrian Seriologists

I was disappointed to see the photos of some of Syria’s chemical weapons stockpiles. It just looked like a bunch of buckets and plastic 5-gallon jugs.

I was expecting more. I was expecting huge vats and evil-looking distillation machines. Not an overstocked meth lab.

I’ve seen front lawns in West Virginia with more suspicious-looking old containers than what Syria has offered up so far.

Good thing we didn’t have to do a military strike–how can you send Cruise Missiles against 5 gallon jugs?  Are our precision munitions that precise?!

Could we have afforded a Cruise Missile for every plastic jug? My math isn’t good…

Of course, Colin Powell’s logic is compelling–if the alleged WMD is really that bad-ass, a little tiny vile of it should be enough to make people want to bomb it.

That’s hard to argue with when there’s a four-star soldier holding it in your face.

Still, Syria should dress it up a little. Make their stuff look a little more evil than just buckets and jugs. It would reflect well on them, like they’re giving up some heinous capability that might have hurt us.

Something to make us feel like we’re getting something for our generous forbearance from bombing ya’ll (wink, nod).