I Wish My Dog Knew

That–

• Just because I do a bong-hit and grab my can of Swedish nicotine candy (“Snus”) does not mean I’m taking you for a walk.

It just means the odds have gone way up.

• It’s Society that makes me leave you in the morning to go to work. Society, dammit.

(Tears)

• You should poop on undeveloped and abandoned lots, or at least ones without cars in the driveway, or ones with cars that have “Co-exist” bumper stickers.

And if I do remember to bring a poop bag don’t you dare double-shit me!

• Other dogs have a right to exist.

I’m afraid he’s never going to learn this–too many vague abstract concepts involved.

• Only chase cats that run from you.

He already knows this, actually. He just goes through the motions of aggression towards cats who don’t run. His real hatred is for his own kind.

• People get maudlin when they’re drunk.

So just put up with it.

• If you want to scratch in the middle of the night, get the hell off the bed.

Then come right back, I need you.

• If you have to bark in the middle of the night don’t go from zero to ninety decibels instantaneously.

Crescendo, please. Let me know it’s coming.

• Fireworks are meaningless.

Save your concern for gunfire. Try to learn the difference because I’m not good at it and I kinda wanna know.

• Not while I’m driving!

You can jump on me when we pull in our driveway; but not every stop is our driveway dammit!

• Every expedition must begin with a “Shit, I forgot my [fill in the blank]!” followed by a quick turnaround and a backtrack indoors. So just expect it.

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What if Everyone Laughed at Your DNA?

Now that we know Europeans and Asians have some Neanderthal DNA it is definitely time to revise our opinions of Neanderthals and start portraying them as smart. No bias. What bias?

Historians need to dig up Columbus’ bones and test to see if he had any gay DNA:

Mystery: those were some long-ass voyages.

Mystery: he could have been a weaver like his father and been surrounded by Italian women aggrieved by the mistress system, but no, he wanted to be alone with sailors and cabin boys far from home. Far from whorehouses even.

Mystery: Columbus had a dark secret he wouldn’t even tell his sons, but perhaps it was a secret we might think of today as more rainbow-bright than dark.

If genes are so selfish, as Dr. Dawkins professes, then gay genes must be the least selfish. They just keep giving and giving and giving.

It’s debatable whether there is true homosexuality in the animal kingdom but we know that plants are very gay. As much male pollen ends up on other male plants as on female plants.

And they’re huge Onanists, casting most of their pollen on the ground.

Plants were the first creatures to whore themselves out to other species, flaunting big round hot-colored fruits and flowers for anyone to just come and poke around in. All for sex and a cheap ride.

And plants love gerbils. As a general rule, the bigger the plant, the more they like gerbils. They call it “aerating the soil”–digging tunnels in the dirt and tickling their tap roots. But a lot of rodents die in those tunnels so it’s not funny.Celebrity_DNA_Henry_Louis_Gates