Sex with Neanderthals

Scientists hypothesized that Neanderthals and modern humans may have interbred at various points in European prehistory but it was all in the butt. This is because the first group of modern people to venture into Neanderthal habitat was Anal Man.

It was thought that Anal Man died out 40,000 years ago but we now know that there’s a little bit of Anal Man in all of us. Mitochondrial DNA analysis even points to the existence of an Anal Eve, a single maternal ancestor on the Anal side of the human family tree.

She was hot. And she know how to treat a man like a man, even if the man was technically sub-human. Especially if he was sub-human!

Y-chromosome analysis also point to the existence of an Anal Adam. Five of them. Scientists refer to them as Lance, Bruce, Wayne, Rod and Pete Townshend, who has a very primitive face.

With the absorption of the remnant Anal Man populations c. 40,000 years ago, modern homo sapiens trekked north into Eurasia, turning tricks and robbing the Neanderthals of all their shit.

“The Neanderthals were stupid and had it coming,” was how the Cro-Magnons justified it to themselves.

“The Neanderthals were stupid and had it coming,” is how scientists now explain it.

Scientists also theorized that Neanderthals and early modern humans may have reproduced through orgies. Experimental archaeologists–people who recreate ancient technologies in order to better understand their artifacts–have proven that you can have an orgy in a cave. Toes get stubbed and heads get bumped and there are bugs, but it is possible.

Orgy Man was thus the first descendant of Neanderthal and Homo Sapien interbreeding. Multiple paternity ensures that each male member of the clusterfuck has a potential genetic interest in the well-being of any child born to the cluster.

Conversely, when danger calls and you need to cut your losses, hey, there’s only a 1/8 chance any of those kids are mine–see ya!

This combination of heroic group cohesion and craven moral flexibility is what helped modern people out-compete those dunderheaded Neanderthals.

So the final word on Neanderthals and Homo Sapiens is this:  we interbred for a while and then broke up.

Fresh Business Ideas from 500 B.C.

Scythian Saunas with Real Sensimilla not that Seedy Shitty Scythian Stuff

According to Herodotus, the ancient Scythians made marijuana saunas. See if you can spot his error:

“Inside this little tent they put a dish with red-hot stones in it… They take some hemp seed, creep into the tent, and throw the seed on to the hot stones. At once it begins to smoke, giving off a vapor unsurpassed by any vapor-bath one could find in Greece. The Scythians enjoy it so much that they howl with pleasure. This is their substitute for an ordinary bath in water, which they never use.”

MODERN UPDATE:  no seeds, obviously, just buds.

You see, the Scythians were smart, especially given their backgrounds, but they weren’t so culturally advanced as to have sensimilla (seedless marijuana). Consequently, when the Scythians threw their spindly seedy buds on the fire, Herodotus, who got fucked up, thought the seeds were the point. ‘Understandable, given that the seeds pop and put out more smoke and considering how fucked up Herodotus got.

It’s amazing he remembered anything. Truly a great ethnographer.

But like Colorado, it would have to be well-regulated. Like you’re only allowed one sauna per day or something.

Would it sell? What are you an asshole? Of course it would sell!

Gladiator Goo

The Romans were smart enough to market gladiator sweat and stupid enough to buy it.

We honor that capitalist spirit of intelligence and stupidity and go one better by offering gladiator dick-cheese, the goo that accumulates inside the foreskins of the uncircumcised penises over in Old Europe.

Really old Europe. Like Transylvania and stuff. Places so old the sun barely shines there anymore.

And yes, these are genuine gladiators and other heroic sports and military figures. We didn’t just scoop the cheese from some genetically defective geek or something. These are manly men with so much testosterone they’re deadly.

A vial of their manly essence will make you deadly cool too. A few smears of Gladiator Goo and all the ladies will be fawning all over you inside your new Scythian Sauna complex.