SHOCKING Implications of the God : Man :: Man : Dog Analogy

IF: God is to Mankind as Mankind is to our pets, THEN:

1.  We can love a dog that is vicious to other dogs as long as it has other good qualities, such as being nice to people, or good at hunting, etc.

ERGO: God can love murderers.

2.  Most of the immediate concerns of dogs–barking at rivals, sniffing their pee spots, chasing squirrels–are of no concern to us at all.

ERGO: Most of our pressing worries and concerns are of no interest to God.

3.  A little bit of mischievousness and playful naughtiness is usually tolerated and even appreciated by pet owners. Too much bad behavior, however, can get a dog abandoned or euthenized.

ERGO: God is not a stickler for the rules but the rules are still important.

4.  No one wants their dog to suffer needlessly but neither does anyone spend all their time entertaining their dog and trying to make it happy.

ERGO: Human suffering has meaning; human happiness perhaps a little less so. And God certainly doesn’t have the inclination to keep you happy and entertained all the time!

5.  Everyone wants their dog’s rapt attention some of the time, but not all of the time.

ERGO: Don’t pray too much.

6,  Different dogs have different jobs. Some have no job other than looking cute. Technological advancements and lifestyle changes have eliminated many of the old jobs dogs used to do; nowadays most of them just look cute.

ERGO: If you’re not going to be a working stiff then you’d better be damned good-looking or charming about it. But, like it or not, the course of modern history is away from working stiffs and towards charming rakes.

7.  If your dog is vicious to your newborn baby then the dog has to go, no matter how good a dog it is. But if the dog is just jealous and avoids the baby, then it can stay, even if its not that great a dog.

ERGO: You don’t have to be a Christian or even like Jesus; you don’t even have to be a good person; but if you’re a persecutor you’re gonna get zonked.

MORE ECUMENICALLY: The main thing is not to mess with God’s “babies,” whatever those babies might be. But remember, we are not the babies in this analogy, we’re just the pets.

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His Act Died for Your Sins

Laugh not lest ye be laughed at.

If a brother should smite thee with a humorous anecdote, reply with two stories even more self-deprecating.

Blessed are the unfunny and the dull-witted for their zingers will rip us new assholes in the Kingdom of Heaven.

Blessed are the easily confused and those who never get the joke for they shall receive the humor of God and will know when the archangels are being sarcastic. Yea, they will finally get it.

Blessed are those who suffer ethnic disparagement because of the crude, silly antics of their countrymen, for they shall have better addresses. And better countrymen.

In the beginning was the Pun and the Pun was stupid. Stupid good!

Get thee behind me, hack comedian!

Whose face is on this button? Bozo’s? Then give unto Bozo that which is Bozo’s.

But avoid the leaven of the hack comedians so that thy humor is not fluffy and airy but tough and full of substance like unleavened bread.

For wide is the gate, and broad is the way, and slippery is the surface that leadeth to cheap laughs.

And if a heckler should ruin your act, go ahead and give him your overcoat as well. The one with bubonic fleas.

Ask, and it shall be given unto you; seek, and ye shall find; knock and it shall be opened unto you. Knock-knock, and we’re pulling your ass off the stage.

Forgive them Father, for they do not know a good joke for shit… But please kill those hecklers.

The Gospel of Your Pet

I think my cat is gorging and vomiting up food for the neighbors and the strays so as to “win friends and influence [peers].”

Nobody can eat FIVE cans of Fancy Feast ® a day, plus some assorted low-grade cat food for good measure. That’s $100 a month or more!

And what am I getting for it?  Cuteness?!

I stopped leaving food outside for him at night a long time ago, although I can tell that he wants me to keep doing that.  But why should I feed the ‘possums and the strays or even his own ill-conceived so-called “families”?

So what if he might have sired kittens with some “lynxy-looking” pussy?  ‘Not my problem! Those ill-conceived kittens are on their own, Buddy boy! I can barely afford you!

Even if he doesn’t have any offspring that he’s secretly trying to feed, he shouldn’t be distributing my largess to Un-Worthies—i.e., cats I don’t want to adopt, which is all of them except him. The problem really is a distributional one—the stupid cat doesn’t know how to share!

Perhaps it was the booze, but tonight I let him have a bowl of wet food outside and said: “Ok Buddy, tonight you’re the ‘rich guy’—tonight you’re the one who hosts the party and shows off and everyone ‘loves’. Enjoy it.”

Because you know damn well I ain’t doin’ this every night! Forget that!

And then I suddenly realized that this is exactly how God could feel about me or any of us if he wanted to be a hard-ass about it.

And maybe that’s why He is such a hard-ass sometimes.

Oops–I mean, “amen”–those are sort of opposites, and yet synonymous too in a strange way.