Jealous of Trees

Plants are too slow. They need to get a move on.

We could have ten seasons a year but for their slowness.

If they breathed harder, we could lock away more CO-2.

But no, they never work themselves into a huff.  And they never get gray leaves.

Trees are among the few creatures that look better when they’re old.

Even the ones that have been dead and snapped for several years have that jagged look.

Age is a positive selling point when it comes to tree sex.

It’s always the same story:  young nubile sapling seeks near-dead old walnut.

But what kind of “survival strategy” is it for plants to just sit there and support everybody else?

If plants knew some more Darwin they’d have adaptified that. We should have stingy plants instead.

If in the end plants win the struggle for survival then Darwin’s theory of that struggle loses. The plants will look back on the fossils of their long-extinct fellow earthlings and say: “See, they weren’t generous enough.”

Variation on the Riddle of the Sphinx

Q:   What “special occasion” is joyous in the morning, awesome in the early afternoon, just what you needed in the late afternoon, and depressing as hell in the evening?

A:   Your birthday.

1 – 10:     Happy Birthday!  I got you this really fun toy!  Remember to share with your little brother…

11 – 19:   Happy birthday kid!  I got you this interesting and expensive device you always wanted!  Don’t let your little brother get into it and mess it up…

20 – 29:   Happy birthday man–I got you this really useful item I’m sure you could use in your new apartment.

30 – 39:   Happy birthday–I know I’m a little late, so to make up for it I got you this goofy little item to make you laugh. Remember when we used to–

40 – 49:   Happy Birthday–it is your birthday, right?–I couldn’t figure out what to get you so I got you this funny card about getting fat, bald and old. Obviously it’s just a joke–you’re still the Stud-King!

50 – 60:   Okay, I won’t mention it.  I don’t really celebrate mine either.  ‘Hate birthdays!

61 + :      Hi Grandpa, my kids drew you this cute little card.  Isn’t that sweet?  Now remember, it’s Little Junior’s birthday next month.  There’s this new “awesome” toy he says he wants–here, I’ll write it down on your calendar so you can remember…