It’s Official: God Hates the Republican Red States–Scientific Maps of God’s Wrath PROVE It!

If you follow the Pat Robertson-Jerry Falwell line of thinking, whereby natural disasters such as Hurricane Katrina were somehow the result of anti-God lifestyles incurring the wrath of God (raging against New Orleans culture I suppose), then the following maps from FEMA and NOAA and various other respected sources prove–

God HATES Republicans!

He hates their districts, he hates their states, he probably even hates their pets more, although I don’t have the data maps to prove that one (YET!). But I’m sure a map of pet mortality, abandonment, fighting injuries, etc, would be heavily biased towards the red states, especially Dixie.

Start with the best–this is from NOAA:

Lop off everything west of Minnesota and Texas and you have a map of the Civil War! West Virginia did well to go their separate way.  The above map indicates that even if God doesn’t hate Southern Man as much as Neil Young, at the very least Thor does.

Now here are two maps of red states vs. blue states from Wikipedia:(bear in mind Florida is MUCH more “red”/conservative than these maps indicate, and probably Missouri too but I don’t know it’s hard to tell from 30,000 feet)

A map of the average margins of victory in the past five presidential elections
Author: Semocrat08 at en.wikipedia

 Here’s another way to define who’s red and who’s blue:

Summary of results of the 1996, 2000, 2004, and 2008 presidential elections:
red = States carried by the Republican in all four elections
pink = States carried by the Republican in three of the four elections
purple = States carried by each party twice in the four elections
light blue = States carried by the Democrat in three of the four elections
deep blue = States carried by the Democrat in all four elections
Author Angr (both maps from Wikipedia)

With these red state vs. blue state maps in mind, look at the following maps of God’s Wrath recently wrought upon the United States:

County Level Mortality Rates by Natural Hazards

from the New Scientist website (their motto: “Fuck those old scientists”). This map documents more than just Thor’s handiwork:

Note how the red part of New York State (upstate but not Buffalo) is afflicted, while all around all the liberal areas seem to enjoy the tranquility of God’s Protection. Compare eastern (liberal) Pennsylvania with western (conservative) PA.  Naturally, liberal-but-slightly-disasterous Vermont is an underperformer in everything except small unit tactics.

As much as even I, a New Florid-Yorkian, hate to say it, the above map clearly shows where God’s love is the strongest–liberal Massachusetts and Connecticut.

Hmm, makes you wanna NOT think about it! Makes you wanna distract yourself away from the obvious fact that–Ok, here’s another map:
Map of General Mortality Rates by County (also from the New Groovy Scientist Man):


So the conclusion is inescapable: God hates the Republican “red” states.

(c) 2012, Alan Brech

Morning Joe-Maica

 

part 6 under construction (a fake ad) but here’s part 7 for now:

Mika: Willie, go check on Richard Haass when you walk around the block sneaking your tokes or whatever you call it, I think he wandered off—

Transition music:  “Lift Up Your Head” by Everton Blender (on youtube)

SHOT OF MORNING JOE LOGO—bong being removed instead of coffee cup yuk yuk yuk

FAKE ADS:    1.  Our product v. their product, Saruman Industries–not as bad as Sauron

                        2. United Health Care MILF/nymph ad

Transition shot:   Morning Joe-Maica logo–bong gets placed down and spilled and sworn at

Transition Music:  “Blacks in America” by Mutabaruka (also on youtube.com)

RETURN SHOT: casual set shot, as if not on the air yet, w/ Mika saying “We never get to do MY stuff!”

Joe:  You a victim?  You wanna blur your face on da TV like a victim?  Teea-Jay, gwanna blur Mika face like da victim she claim—

Mika:   No! Not that again!…I just want to do some of my material for once…sob…

Joe:  Welcome back to Morning Joe-Maica, wheere  ya been a las’ four minutes? While Willie out lookin for Richard ‘aass and avoidin’ de Bloombaerg patrols our own Mika B got some CRUCIAL  information to discuss wit’ ya’ll (he better avoid a patrol—t’ree times I bail his ass out since ’09—dis time, Barnacle, YOU bail him out, you’re his old white uncle!)

Mika: Thank you Joe, yes, I want to read a poem my 10 year old wrote last week with only a little prompting, assistance and copy editing on my part.  It’s called “The Upper-Middle Class Manifesto.”

Joe:     Oh Jah forgive!  How me gwan face me Hill People affer dis?

Mika: “The Upper Classes are decadent in their extravagance, power, and exploitation.

            The poor are distasteful and equally decadent in their self-destruction.

            The Middle Class is too conformist and insecure to live Truly Beautiful lives—

            their tastes and values more appropriate for bee hives

            than for anywhere where anybody who’s actually anybody actually resides.

            Therefore, it is obvious that God Himself must be upper-middle class, hence His impeccable discretion.

            Check, please!”

Isn’t that adorable?

Joe: (to himself, but outloud)  Oh no, now Me c’yan NEVER face me Hill People no more! I lose my base, now I and I stuck in dis place, TRAPPED inna Babylon… Upper West Side say ‘Come on by Joe, we like ya culture! We like how ya bring da Hill People wisdom to our parties—issa like having the museum come to us!’ But none dem tell ya itta trap—you c’yan leave Upper West Side Babylon! You c’yan go back to ‘em Panhandle! Da Hill People ‘ll KILL me now! Look’a’me skin—it almost white fi so much time inna Babylon!

Mika:  Joe, are you all right? And where’s Willie—

Willie: (entering in a cloud of smoke)—me find da ‘aass man! Him a mad trippin’ out on da street! Mad trippin! (laughs)

Mika:  You left him there?

Willie:  He all right, him gwan quit his Babylon servicing job—says he gettin’ all Irie about Heile! Feelin’ Ras-sy about Selassi, getting’ ovah wit’ Jah-hov-ya, wanna safari wit Ras Tafari, groovin’ to God’s Plan ‘Gainst de White Man…

Joe:  How much coffee him a drink?

Willie:  T’ree cups dis time, made INDIAN STYLEE!!!

Mika:  Well let’s hope a reporter doesn’t corner him on the street and get him to say something he’ll regret tomorrow when he’s feeling evil again…. Well, since we did my material I guess we could just end the show after we do another commercial and then come back with the What Have We Smoked This Morning? segment…. We’ll be right back.

Joe:  She’ll be right back—me a’ Willie gwan discuss da news [(wink)] outside witta people—witta Manhattan massive— big up all da bredren inna Brains o’da Babylon Beast!

Mika:  But Willie just smoked!

Willie:  Nah, Mr. ‘aass cut short me smoke—me gwan talk him down.

Mika:  Well, that was nice of you to temporarily forgo your drugs for a man overdosing from his own drugs—

Willie and Joe in unision:  “Ya c’yan ova’dose fi da ganga!!!

Mika:  You can if you work for Babylon!

Willie and Joe:  (laughing uproariously ) Whoa, Mika B witta funniest shi’ o’ da morning! (Irie Mika B!)

Mika:  Why is that funny? Or Irie? And why am I Babylon?

TRANSITION MUSIC:  “Johnny Drughead” by Mutabaruka (on Youtube)

COMMERCIAL

THE END

(c) 2012, Alan Brech