Morning Joe = Howard Stern Show?

Summary/overview:  One cool guy surrounded by an uptight upper-middle-class co-host and a technical staff that sometimes messes up, with guests and part-time panelists that are either geeks and freaks (male news guys) or babes and milfs.(female news dolls). Female co-host has a lovely engaging laugh but does not cheaply bestow it on the “boys’ humor” that often threatens to undo the whole show. Of course, her disapproval makes their humor all the more funny, supposedly.

Joe =  Howard.

Mika = Robin.

TJ = Gary Dell’Abate.

Steve Rattner = Beetlejuice

So far, pretty obvious.

But even Joe Scarborough’s conservatism in a sea of liberal MSNBC-people is similar to Howard Stern’s philosophical position on his old radio show, for Howard was the nagging family guy in a sea of single sex freaks, and Howard was always telling his freaky guests to be more responsible and to grow up and be careful. Yes, Howard was a conservative–a social conservative! (Relative to his melieu.)

Another similarity between the two shows is the imperious, dictatorial atmosphere on the set during airtime whereby everybody is apparently in fear of getting fired by the host or co-host for any kind of reason.

There are numerous other similarities in style and format: the rock music interludes, of course: the idea of a public forum where even conservative guests (celebrities in Stern’s case) will be deliberately put outside their comfort zone; the selective releases of too much personal information about the host, co-host or panelists’ private lives; repeating the 6:00 AM broadcast at 8:00 AM, etc.

Mike Barnacle = Fred

John Heileman = Arte Lange

Willie Geist = Jackie the Jokeman Martling

Louis Burgdorf = Stuttering John

Donnie Deutsch = Ralph

Brian Shachtman, Bill Karins, and Brian Sullivan = latest intern to be abused

But, I gotta say, the romantic photographs of Joe and Mika–soaking in the sunset, napping in the park together, the one with the foot-massage, etc.–that’s original. Howard and Robin never did that when they had a TV show. Howard’s wives would have prevented it.

Bezos’ News-o’s: Excerpts From (and Descriptions of) The Washington Post in the Year 2020

Please rate your experience reading this news story…

Reminder: you have not left feedback on your recent news consumption…

You can get old, slightly damaged news for much less NetCash®–anywhere from 99 NetCoins® (fair condition–stray marks here and there, frequent inaccuracies) to $9.99 (like new! and mostly fact-checked)

You can be your own reporter and sell your own used news for less than a NetDollar®–the way you make money is on the mandatory $3.99 delivery charge®

For the first several years they actually lost news!

Even during the Great Recession of 2019 (fuckin’ President Christie!) The Washington Post was opening news warehouses all over the country.

And he still drives a 1998 Honda Accord!

All proceeds from the news are invested in useless space debris.

He also purchased People Magazine and still failed to make the 50 Sexiest List

Get a Washington Post-Chase credit card and win Bezos-Points® with every news story!

Update on RAGING Controversy re: Ponce de Leon vs. Ais Indians of Florida

Headline from today’s local Brevard County newspaper, The Florida Today (a Gannett publication, unfortunately):

 Brevard drops support for naming barrier island after Ponce de Leon

Interesting article (despite its Gannett ownership):|newswell|text|Home|s

It’s nice to see people caring about history and local nomenclature.

Ponce needs Mitt more than ever now–it’s a good thing Mitt doesn’t know that he could use Ponce to woo Hispanic Florida voters.

Alan Brech 2012

Romney Should Pounce on Ponce de Leon Controversy to Woo Hispanic Voters in Florida

A huge controversy has erupted in Brevard County Florida over the naming of a previously unnamed stretch of barrier island south of Cape Canaveral.

Many in the Hispanic community want to name it after Ponce de Leon, who probably landed somewhere south of Cape Canaveral in 1513. Next year will be the 500th anniversary of that first recorded European landfall on mainland America in modern times.

Notice all the qualifiers–“recorded” (slavers and pirates and fisherman probably landed before Ponce)–“European” (Indians discovered it first)–“mainland” (Columbus landed on islands such as San Salvador)–“in modern times” (the Vikings had settled in Newfoundland 500 years earlier).

Reacting against the “Ponce Island” push are a growing number of people who want to continue with no name at all or to name it after the Ais Indians, the most politically powerful chiefdom along the east coast of Florida prior to their sudden disappearance sometime around AD 1700.

Apparently, some people just don’t like Ponce!  And some in the Hispanic community seem genuinely surprised that the word “conquistador” has taken on negative connotations over the last 40 years.

Supposedly the King of Spain is coming for the 500th anniversary. Or his delegate. Anyway, it’s gonna be huge.

The Brevard County Historical Commission (BCHC) initially approved the historical validity and relevance of naming the barrier island after Ponce de Leon.

At the time, there was no other naming proposal. Obviously, I prefer Ais. But it’s not our duty to nay-say naming choices as long as they are historically accurate and relevant.

Faced with the public outcry (people actually showed up at our meetings!) we refused to back either name until more input is received from the public.

The Ponce crowd was furious and stormed out. I walked out because I wasn’t sure my mother would make it to the bathroom if I didn’t.

All this controversy now goes back to the Brevard County Commission (not the BCHC, we’re just their appointed advisers, these are the people who actually run the county) on Tuesday, May 29th at 9:00 AM.

Romney would do well to come out strong for Ponce. Obama, of course, will be forced by his base (me) to go with the Ais Indians, alienating the entire Latin American community.

A few more Hispanic votes in Florida might change everything for Romney.

Ponce de Leon could change this whole frikkin election!

Alan Brech 2012

links, in case you don’t believe me:   or )

Give me Nugentism or give Ted death: You’re gonna miss that Tea Party

Background info:  The Mormon Church firmly believes in a modern prophecy which holds that the Constitution and the Republic of the United States of America will be hanging by a thread during some unspecified crisis, and that the Mormon Church or its leadership will step in and save the Constitution. Plow through to the end of this drivel to see how this prophecy will be fulfilled in November…

Nugentism–the tendency to interpret politics through the lens of Braveheart or Lord of the Rings (because life really is that simple)–is actually a smaller problem than its converse: the fact that politics is about to get so super boring, democracy itself may be in peril. 

Of course, democracy is always in peril, that’s what makes it great. Or good enough. Worth fighting for. Worth suspending your rights for. Something.

But not all perils are created equal. Peril is very undemocratic like that. And the peril of political boredom is real enough.

It sounds partisan, but it’s the Republican’s fault this time:  Obama has to be boring, he has no choice–for now. He can become slightly interesting late in his second term and in his post-presidency he can become truly fascinating.

But until then, Obama has to act more like Romney (dull and doofy) than he normally would. Simply being the first black president forces Obama to be an extra-reasonable guy so that voters in the future won’t automatically associate black candidates with radical cultural change. His presidential biography will almost certainly be called Holding Back.

Only the Republicans have the choice of being interesting, like they were back in 2010 and 2011. But instead they’ve chosen boring, very very boring.

Their plan is clear: bore the shit out of the electorate and win a low-turnout snooze-fest! Much cheaper to go boring (thus “more efficient”) and Romney is at heart a money-man.

Village idiot:  But won’t that lead to a crazy third party?

Establishment answer:  Yes! Increased Nugentism is the inevitable by-product of boring vs. boring during times such as these. We’re just hoping it doesn’t crystallize into some sort of Ross Perot thing on steroids without the burden of Ross Perot dragging it down. That could be dangerous.

Village idiot:  What about Santorum and Palin on a third ticket? Then Romney could become the severely moderate person he pretends to be when he’s not pretending he’s conservative.

A:  And with a three-way split in the electoral college, Obama’s piddly popular majority will not be enough to get the 270 electoral votes. Then it goes to the House of Redneck-Resentatives for a fraudulent vote open to the highest bidder foreign or domestic. And we win!

Village idiot:   Don’t you think that if that happened the Prophet of the Mormon Church would call up Mitt and say, “Look, bishop, we can’t win like this–you gotta hand it back to Obama–he won the popular vote”?

A:  You’re an idiot.

(c) 2012, Alan Brech

Forget Legalize It–Nullify It!

I was in a jury pool for a bullshit marijuana charge (“less than 25 pounds”–phaa!) here in conservative Brevard County Florida last year–and they almost couldn’t pull together a jury!

Over half the people in the jury pool with me had smoked. True, I was probably the only one who did so in the parking lot of the Courthouse. But none of them thought the law as it stood was just. Even the dude next to me with a Glenn Beck book had smoked, knew smokers, and thought the law was stupid.

Judge Wahn asked the jury pool if anyone would be likely to nullify the law.  Is that legal–to screen the jury pool for potential nullifiers?  Next time I won’t speak up–I’m just gonna nullify!

Jury nullification is a proud part of Anglo-American law–when legistlators prove lame (they always do) then the law has to be changed out in the streets and in the Courts. Congresses and Parliaments are just the ornaments of democracy, not its engines–the real work is always done elsewhere, among people who are not so fucking lame and corrupt.


If you’re busted, take it to a jury trial–the system is buckling and about to break! And I’m talking about right-wing Florida–if you’re busted in a liberal area like the Northeast, DEFINITELY take it to a jury.

And if you’re on jury, nullify it!

And be sneaky if the judge asks you in advance if you might nullify….

[Operation OJ–Overwhelm the Judiciary]

Ridiculing the Rosen-Romney Ruckus

These stay-at-home prostitutes really don’t know what it’s like for working whores who have to sling it on the street.  Annie Reamme has never worked a street corner a single night in her life!

You know, I could have stayed at home and baked erotic cookies for visiting perverts, but I choose to pursue my professional career in the public sphere, on behalf of the people.  Anonymous people with cash.

Hey, I’ve done both–I’ve stayed at home raising the children of my pimps, johns, and dirty toilet seats AND gone out and worked three, four, maybe five jobs a night! Believe me, it’s much harder to stay home and yell at incorrigible hoodrats all day.

The other thing people don’t realize about so-called stay-at-home spouses is how much work and suffering it takes to put-out day after day to a contemptible old crab just because they’re wealthy and the parent of most of your children.

Forbes estimates the value of a stay-at-home spouse at about $110,000 per year. Paid as “piece work” (i.e., per duty) and not as a yearly salary, the breakdown is quite different:  per household chore, the yearly value is closer to $300,000. Half a million if your kids are especially nasty. When paid per sex act, however, some of these spouses would be lucky to clear 10 grand a year.

And that’s why many wealthy people live well below the sexual poverty line. The Gross Domestic Product of some bedrooms is less (when measured in sex-worker-dollars) than the economic output of a homeless can-collector.

[Please note that no gendered terms were used except in the first paragraph. So you can’t accuse me of sexism even though this whole piece reeks of it.]

(c) 2012, Alan Brech

The Obvious Solution to the Afghanistan – Pakistan Problem: Ethnic Partition & Kashmir Elections

map from wikipedia where else


The Pashtun get their own country in southern and eastern Afghanistan AND a good part of Pakistan.

Pakistan, in turn, gets whichever parts of Kashmir that vote to leave India and join Pakistan in a special election (with say a 60% threshhold per district).

*I was not in favor of partition in Iraq because the non-Kurdish Sunni in the middle of the country have no resources to share.  Afghanistan, it seems, IS FULL OF RESOURCES! About a trillion, including rare earth minerals.

perhaps even uranium….
You might think the Uzbek and the Hazara would be resouce-poor like the Sunni in Iraq, but apparently where there’s not minerals, there’s gas and oil–from the wise sages of back in 2003, almost a decade ago:

Mineral deposits could contribute to Afghanistan’s economic recovery

Aug 05, 2003 02:00 AM 

Afghanistan might be one of the poorest countries in the world after 23 years of devastating war. However, its rugged terrain still houses probably some of the most precious wealth on Earth.
While the transitional government in Kabul cries for donor aid for the daunting post-war reconstruction, experts say that the abundant mineral resources throughout the country could contribute to the recovery of its war-torn economy if exploited properly… (link for full article )

The point is, the widespread abundance of resources throughout Afghanistan should make it especially suitable for peacable partition.

Human Romney-volution through Unnatural Sell-Election

[pics of Romney’s head atop archetypical specimens from human evolution]

We bought out the chimps, downsized their stupid trees, and then fired their lazy asses. I love being able to fire chimps, don’t you?

Not-Homo-at-All Mittwreckedus:
You can’t blame us for outcompeting the Australopithemitts, we all ran out of chimps.

Archaic Homo (ok a little) Sapiens:
All we’ve done is take the competitve spirit of our ancestors and applied it to our cousins, the Homo Mittwreckedus–
“Not homo! At all!”
Ok, not homo, just pretty-mouthed.

Eurasian side-shoot: the Mittromneythals:
Our early pioneer ancestors came out of the fertile plains of Asia Minor into the wild wastes of Europe and said This is the place! That’s an inside joke, ha ha ha…

Fully Modern Romneyman:
I’m not gonna apologize for my wealth. And since wealth requires poor people to work for it, I’m not going to apologize for anyone’s poverty either.
I’m also not going to apologize for America. What trail of tears? What Mormon persecutions? America has nothing to be sorry for the way it treated Mormons, Indians, blacks, women, nothing at all–just ask Sean Hannity–actually, I’ll have my people have him ask me that himself when I do my only interview later next month…

Next stop: Romneybots vs. Mittdroids in the Giant Waste of Galactic Resources in Pointless Pursuit of Galactic Dominance Over Resources!

Will Rogers Goes International

“I don’t belong to an organized political movement–I just protest in Tahrir Square every other Friday.”

“I don’t belong to an organized government–I’m Hamid Karzai.”

“I don’t belong to an organized political party–Putin only allows disorganized ones.”

“I don’t play organized sports–I play Australian Football.”

“I’m not a member of an organized religion. In fact, we recently issued a fatwah on that topic, now where did I put that fatwah… Honey, where did you put my fatwah folder?”
“I told you to keep that shit off the floor!”

Will Rogers Comes Back Home to America:

“I used to belong to the best-organized political party in America.  But then I shifted towards its Tea Party wing…. Fuck Boehner.”

What Really Might Have Happened in the Afghanistan Massacre (the one where the soldier crept into the villages)

by Your Speculative Reporter
unbound by mere facts (spit!)

premise: there was method in the madness (not intended as mitigation or exculpation or exoneration)

The villagers had previously made clear to the US Army that they hated the Taliban and wanted them out but the Taliban had (forcibly) married themselves into the village clan structures. The local unwritten laws of hospitality and clan relationships thus make it impossible for the villagers to truly turn against the Taliban.

So perhaps this soldier figured that if he eliminated the family relationships in those two villages (i.e., massacred them in their sleep), the Taliban would no longer have any hold over these villages under the laws of hospitality and clan membership even if the fighters were or were not home at the time of the massacre!

[the preceding scenario is entirely speculative but has a high chance of being proven true at a later date, check back here for exciting postscripts when we know more]

Chapter 41, Volume 27 of It Ain’t Frikkin’ Fair!

(redundant text for google):
Newswire:      No charges will be filed against the American Airlines flight attendant whose recent outburst caused the flight to be turned around and landed. Witnesses say the flight attendant screamed in a “demonic” voice about an imminent danger to the plane and made references to 9-11.
QUESTION:    What if it had been a dude?
Male flight attendant:    This plane is going down! You’re all gonna die! Remember 9/11?”
Newswire:      No charges will be filed against the passengers who KILLED a deranged flight attendant who would not stop screaming about an imminent 9-11 danger to the flight and everyone aboard.
A few passengers spoke afterwards: “See, we don’t need no stinking air marshalls.”

(c) 2012, Alan Brech

When Will They Pander to US? PLEASE Pander to Me!

As you might or might not expect, Pat Robertson’s plan is actually very similar to God’s plan:New slogans for Obama or Romney: “Fire up a second term!” or “I’m the white paper, you’re the homegrown–together, let’s spark up a new President!”

And by the way, if you find yourself on a  JURY for a cannabis CHARGE, you have the right, nay the duty, to NULLIFY IT !

It’s a proud part of Anglo-American law for this very reason–when “legalize it!” falls on deaf ears, Nullify it!:

And half the popular culture you look at will advertize it. They already do indirectly.

Presidential Porno Preferences from Washington to Obama

In a secret, naughty corner of the Library of Congress where the archivists will make out with you if you catch them in a good mood, there is a collection of pornographic material collected from various US presidents after they left office or by their mother when they were outdoors, however briefly.

Remember, these are just the samples that happened to survive and get archived–scholars debate how representative each sample is of the larger corpus of porn that each of these pervy presidents undoubtedly collected and cherished. Scholars agree, however, that most of this stuff is pretty good.

George Washington:  used to read The Song of Solomon from the Bible to get himself in the mood to bang Martha.  His favorite part was Chapter 7, despite all the mixed metaphors:

      “Thy two breasts are like two young roes that are twins…This thy stature is like to a palm tree, and thy breasts to clusters of grapes.  I said, I will up to the palm tree, I will take hold of the boughs thereof:  now also thy breasts shall be as clusters of the vine…”

Abraham Lincoln:  had an advance copy of Mandingo. A very advanced copy! He wrote it.(Doris Kearns Goodwin proved that ‘Kyle Onstott” was Lincoln’s porno-pen-name.  Doris’ porno pen name is Erica Jong.)

Theodore Roosevelt:  The old Rough Rider just loved the female underwear section of the Sears & Roebuck catalogue. Presidential vignette:

     “Honey, why are these pages stuck together?”

     “Shut up, bitch.”  A lesser man would have crumbled!

Here’s where presidential biographies can be really instructive to future generations of young wives and mothers:  if you find the pages of a magazine stuck together, unless it’s American Girl Doll catalogues or autopsy photos, you’re better off not even mentioning it.

Franklin Delano Roosevelt:  After he died, they found this in his desk:Wheelchair sex positions

(from, which calls itself “The Mad Spaz Club: where all the cool wheelchair people hang out.”) 

Historians are convinced:  had FDR and his wicked-cool bisexual wife lived long enough, they’da been mad spaz for sure. The scratchy 78 rpm phonograph recordings of Franklin and Eleanor really don’t do them justice. “…[static]… You have nothing to fear except too much sex! [record skips] accept too much sex! accept too much sex! [etc.]”

John F. Kennedy:  Secret 16mm films by Zapruder’s shrewder tutor, Judah Hoffengruber, of JFK banging Marilyn, a couple interns, some friends’ wives, some high-class hookers, and a really good-looking gay guy when JFK’s back-pain medicine interacted with “some” alcohol, making the whole episode a “pharmaceutically gay” encounter, and not actual gay sex. Technically… It just looks like gay sex, although, in his defense, JFK did manage to stay on top throughout most of it.

Richard Nixon: had the first ever looped video clip for pornographic or prurient interest: Goldie Hawn in her underwear-outfit-thing from Laugh-In saying “Sock it to me!” over and over, sometimes in slow motion.  Presidential vignette from tape #230,580 of the not-so-secret presidential recordings:

     “Henry, can the people at State superimpose a picture of say, a cucumber, on the part where Goldie says ‘Me!”

     “Vee ahrr vorrrrking on daaat aber es ist nicht–“

    “Henry, could you speak into the microphone of history when you talk?  And could you drop the extra thick German accent you use in your public schtick–is that the word–schtick?”

Jimmy Carter:  Gave an interview to Playboy just so he could have an excuse to have a copy of Playboy laying around the bedroom night table.  Hefner repayed Carter by having an extra fine centerfold model that month.  Presidential vignette:

    Hefner to Carter:   “Lusted in your heart?”  Try lusting in your balls instead–a lot less strings attached.

Bill Clinton:   Life-long subscriber to Butterface Magazine. When feeling extra skanky, he would check out the pages of If It Moves. The poor man–little does he realize that all of his paramours and all of his conquests and all of his cleaning ladies have saved ALL of his semen stains, even the paper towels, and that Julian Assange is teaming up with Linda Tripp to dump all 700,000 of them into the public domain, which is where Bill likes to circulate his stuff anyway. Did I start that sentence with “poor Bill”? As usual, I meant poor Hillary.

George W. Bush (2000-2008):  Had a looped clip of Condoleezza Rice in a TV interview referring to Bush as “my husband.”  Also purchased Khadaffi’s Condy scrap-book on ebay (“Wish I had thought of that.”), but that was in his post-presidency, of course (yesterday).  Bush’s proclivities towards autoerotic asphyxiation using pretzels remains classified information, the disclosure of which is punishible by erotic asphyxiation–well, erotic for the sick sadist goons the Bush family normally hires for such “clean-up jobs.”

George H. W. Bush (1988-1992):  Looped clip of a young Condoleezza Rice accidentally referring to Bush (senior) as her daddy.  Presidential vignette:  “Ohhhhhhhhh, this is not going to be (grunt) PRUDENT!!! …ahh…”

Obama:   Loves Muscular MILF Magazine: Women Who Can Kick Your Skinny Ass!

And of course Mandingo.

(c) 2012, Alan Brech