What if the Buddha Called You a Schlange?

“Anyone who doesn’t meditate is a fucking asshole,” my father once said, neatly encapsulating his unique blend of spiritual transcendence and earthbound bitterness.

This led to decades of inside-jokes between my brother and I:

“You know, Clara Barton never meditated. Neither did Albert Schweitzer. Fucking assholes.”

“Yeah, that about proves it.”

On another occasion, I jokingly interrupted my brother when he was commenting on how pathetic it was that Carlos Castaneda (an anthropology graduate student and best-selling author who claimed to have been apprenticed to a Native American shaman in the early 60s) had boiled down his previously mystical shamanic teachings into a lame system of spiritual calisthenics he called “Tensegrity”–all in an attempt to appeal to the California New Age/health scene of the late 70s:

“Look man, anyone who doesn’t practice Tensegrity is a fucking asshole.”

tensegrity

And while it’s hard to imagine the Buddha or the Dali Lama making such a negative pronouncement against non-meditators, it’s actually quite logical to see my father’s aphorism as the necessary converse of their teachings. After all, if there really is a Path of Enlightenment available to everyone, wouldn’t anyone who spurned such a Path be, in fact, well, you know, a fucking asshole?

The supposedly great monotheistic religions of Judaism, Christianity and Islam never had a problem openly stating the converse of their divine dispensations–“Anyone who doesn’t pray [to the right God in the right way] is going to Hell.”  Substitute “Effin’ A” for “going to Hell” and you basically have my father’s credo.  If anything, my father’s credo is less condemnatory–rather than an eternity of torture and suffering, wouldn’t you rather just be an asshole instead? I know I would; and I practice that every day.

Perhaps the Eastern religions and their New Age revamps in the West could learn a thing or two from my father’s more condemnatory attitude. No, you don’t need to go Medieval and threaten non-practitioners with Hell as the monotheists do (or used to), but what’s the harm in openly specifying that if you’re not seeking some kind of Enlightenment, you’re probably just an asshole? Is that not the yin of the yang?

yin-yang-symbol-pv

Madison Avenue’s most successful distillation of the New Age ethos of the 1970s was expressed in the now-famous Coca-Cola ad with the catchy jingle “I’d Like to Buy the World a Coke.” Let us rephrase that anthem of togetherness with lyrics inspired by the perverse wisdom of my father:

coke-ad

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Nicotine or Gasoline?

I decided to quit tobacco (again) but not gasoline. I’m not sure I’m making the right choice:

Both cost about $7 a day I can’t afford. Both pollute. Normally tobacco pollutes the partaker more than gasoline but in my old car it’s different. So they both pollute; me, us and them.

They both get burned. Oxidized money. My gas money goes to frackers and my tobacco money goes to crackers, except they’re so wealthy now they’re not crackers, I am.

Gasoline gets me from Point A to Point B. Nicotine lets me enjoy Point A.  And Point B too if I get there. If there’s a long distance between A and B, nicotine helps with that too.

Tobacco kills, but so do highways. And highways also kill cute mammals and birds and turtles. Nicotine kills bugs.

And feelings. That’s why Bogart smoked. You gotta be tough, especially if you live at night.

It’s true that the Pope and the Dali Lama would lose their holiness if they ever lit up in public, I admit that. But they don’t live at night, like me and Bogey, so it’s different.

There are alternatives to gasoline. There are no alternatives to nicotine. Even junkies smoke. And if they ever quit the smack they often keep the smoke. It’s that good.

Quitting nicotine causes withdrawals. So does gasoline. You get withdrawn when you can’t drive everywhere.

I’m all for public transportation–there’s a friendly community of people who regularly use the bus system in the burbs and they’re not withdrawn–I just don’t want any part of it.

I’m all for public health too, not because I care but because I don’t want them infecting me. Say what you want about cancer, at least it’s not contagious.

Gas fumes and oil leaks are contagious. Global warming is contagious. Even when traffic accidents don’t result in contagious pile-ups, they contagiously ruin everyone else’s day through hellish delays. Brutal delays. Absolute torture, sitting there listening to music with your fellow delayees.

So I’m quitting nicotine (again) but not gasoline (ever). I’m just so damned selfish.

The Most Powerful Tattoo in the World

As president, Trump is legally entitled to tattoo the Great Seal of the United States on his penis. Doing so would allow his wife Melania to symbolically felate the nation.

Think of all the positive changes that could happen if you were symbolically felated by the president’s wife. And his mistress. And the other one too.

A lot can be accomplished from the Bully Prepuce because symbols have power and so do penises–when they’re good and ready. And now with viagra they’re all ready even if they’re no good.

You could make a very high-quality porno if you found talented Obama-Trump lookalikes. Think of the possibilities. Trump has. Omarosa is his Michelle.

It should be fairly easy to find porn actors who look like Eric and Don junior. In fact, I think they all do.

Porno presidency is the next evolutionary stage. We’ve gone from radio presidencies to TV presidencies and Hollywood presidencies. Now we have a reality show presidency.

But Trump can’t just wait for evolution to happen: he needs to go the next level. Public Relations 101 says get ahead of a negative story, so if the release of a Moscow hookers sex tape is inevitable, it’s only logical that Trump should do his own preemptive porn movie, one where he controls all the variables.

And that’s where a presidential seal tattoo would serve him–and us–very well indeed. The crazy publicity resulting from Trump’s release of Hail to the Penis: Extreme Vetting #MAGA! would drown out any noise from the release of the Moscow footage.

Complaints from Purgatory

The secret of Purgatory is that it’s really Hell.

No, we’re not getting pitchforked but the sleeplessness is killing us and we’re not even allowed to die. That Outer Darkness might not be so bad if there was some shuteye.

That’s why we tend to haunt the night and show up in dreams–not because we prefer the night, we’re just jealous you can sleep, that’s all.

In the daytime everyone can daydream, even us. No it’s not sleep, but it’s something. It’s hard to daydream at night–being awake at night makes you too damn focused… Forever

Jealousy is a big part of Purgatory. Naturally–we can see the whole world and can’t have any of it. Sometimes when we throw a severe tantrum we’re able to jostle a coffee cup, big deal.

Being able to watch anyone in the world while they undress for bed only adds to the jealousy.

And no, we’re not here to help–you think we give a fuck about Scrooge? We’re just mad that a super-scumbag like him could sleep soundly while ordinary scumbags like us have to endure eternal insomnia. The fact that he made it into a character-reforming experience is his business, we literally don’t give a damn.

What, you’re getting bored of all this Purgatory talk?

We’ve been exhausted by it for millennia and it’s not getting any better. Don’t even talk to me about getting tired.

The Social Psychology of Homo Interneticus

Everyone is a revelation or at least an instantiation of a revelation. Special-ness is not diminished by duplication.

Other people’s opinions are worth the time it takes to elicit them. It’s just the content of their opinions that are worthless.

The Ancestors become alive when you become old.

Non-college people become more collegey when they get older while college people become less collegey.

When it comes to sympathy, validation, approval or camaraderie, quantity surpasses quality.

If postcards, greeting cards and postage had been free we could have had Facebook and Twitter hundreds of years ago.

Conversation is propaganda and everyone else’s comments are always somehow inappropriate.

Clicking buttons is hard work and scrolling even harder. No information is worth more than four clicks to get at.

A picture is worth a thousand words but a picture with words on it is worth a thousand pictures. Force multiplier.

Be honest and forthcoming in private conversation; be a little more guarded in small groups. Before large audiences, stick to the script or an outline. But when the whole world is listening, let it all hang out.

It’s a great joy to say you’ve already seen or read something and an even greater joy to show it to someone who hasn’t. Especially when they go 😮

Great Moments in Speculative History

Secret Emergency Conclave of the Elites c. January 2017:

Democratic Elite: We’ve got Trump dead-to-rights on the Russia hack, Russian blackmail, and Russian money, but we need you, the Republican Elite, to go along with redressing the wrongs. You know, for the good of the country.

Republican Elite: Ok, but what’s in it for us? What can you give us?

[Back-and-forth colloquy. Summary: Republican Elite agrees it’s for the good of the country but that the Republicans deserve political compensation for the inevitable losses they face after the shit hits the fan, and that a crippled Mike Pence presidency is not enough.]

Democratic Elite: Look, we’ll delay the hammer-drop on Trump for a few months to give you time to enact a first-year agenda, if you can. And you get Pence.

Republican Elite: Deal!

KGB-Approved

When I was at the University of Florida back in the 1984 the College Republicans would put “KGB-Approved” stickers on pro-Mondale bulletin board posts. Well, here’s your shit coming right back at you with infinitely more factual justification:

kgb_approved

And yeah, I know they’re now  called the  FSB but KGB sounds better and they haven’t changed.

Plus a few more memes by me:

buddha

j-lo

nice_ass

The above pic has been enhanced, I believe, but I know for a fact that this one has not:

j-lo2

maga

russia_if_youre_listening

 

CPAC Under Trump =

CPAC under Trump =
Compromised Principles Action Committee
Credulous Patsies of an American Conman
Caucasian People Against Coexistence
Corrupt Political Allies of Cretinism
Committee to Protect Aryan Consciousness
Craven Pawns of the Angry Crazy-man
Committee to Pervert America’s Constitution
Crackpots Posing As Conservatives
Christians Praising the Anti-Christ
Cowardly Practitioners of Absolute Corruption
The Brownshirts.