Solution to Your Writer’s Block: Shut the Fuck Up!

“When I have nothing to say, my lips are sealed…[because]… I don’t have to prove that I am creative.”
–The Talking Heads (David Byrne) from the songs Psycho Killer and Artists Only

A fan of this blog sent a note saying they were glad that I am “writing again.”

Thanks Mom, but in fact, I am not “writing again.”  If you don’t see anything posted here, it’s because I have nothing to say–period.

And I refuse to force it–no muse, no news.  Why force uninspired verbiage on a world drowning in wasted words?

The biggest mistake is to think of yourself “as a writer” because that inevitably leads to the mistaken notion that “Shit, I’m a writer–I need to write something.”


Rather, there are people with something to say some of the time, and there are people who never have anything to say publicly, and the former is not any better than the latter, and no one–no one!–ever has something worth publicizing all the time.

If you have to force yourself to write something, imagine how excruciating it’s going to be for us to have to read it!  And think of all the genuinely inspired writing that you could be drowning out by forcing your uninspired verbiage upon us.

So think of writer’s block as a muse of its own, a muse that inspires us to shut the fuck up.

Conflicting Imperatives from the Ethos of the Age

The Ethos says:

Get your self centered without getting self-centered.

Be open to complexity and exceptions without being overly nuanced.

Live for the moment without improvidence.

Be your own man as a team player.

Find out who you are by transcending yourself.

Avoid sophistry and certitude.

Live for today and don’t stop thinking about tomorrow.

Know your limits and other people’s limits without ever testing or pushing them.

Be a good Samaritan not a sucker.

Be neither paralyzed by skepticism nor blinded by faith.

The future belongs to realistic dreamers.

Be busy like the bee–busy smelling flowers. And hive work. Lots of hive work.

For the religious: Put away the things of childhood¹ for they are of the Kingdom of Heaven.²  Now go seek ye the Kingdom of Heaven.³

Be neither promiscuous nor chaste. Just stay on the right side of the bell-curve of vice, wherever that may be.

Stand up and be counted then sit down and shut up. Know exactly when either is appropriate–there are no firm rules but you still have to know them.

Be pragmatic in your idealism, and principled in your pragmatism. Generally.

Only marry someone if you’re seriously willing to spend the next eight years with them. It’s a big commitment.

Change the system without threatening anyone. Politely modify the status quo. Venerate that which you obsolesce and replace.

Be classy by accident. (4)

Always be the one who always looked the way current fashion dictates long before it was fashionable.(5) Or just give up and wait 20 years.

Joke Notes

1.  1 Corinthians 13:11
2.  Matthew 18:3 and 4; Matthew 19:14
3.  Matthew 6:33
4. The accident of birth into a higher class being the fundamental accident that is at the root of classiness.
5. Can’t be done? When you’re young or wealthy many things are possible–just change your friends every time you change your fashions.

Gerontocracy Now! (Now that I’m Old)

More Modest Proposals: repress the young!

All political systems are repressive, some more than others. But repression is inevitable. Politics is the distribution of repression, so let us not evaluate political systems in terms of how they distribute “rights” but rather how they distribute pain.

“Rights” are aspirational but pain is all too real. “Rights” are fuzzy around the edges, and often conflict with each other. But Pain is clear, distinct, quantifiable, and all-too-cumulative. Very rarely does one form of suffering get in the way of another form.

Humankind has tried different repressive schemes. We’ve repressed the poor. We’ve repressed the rich. We’ve repressed the merchants, the intelligentsia, the religious. We’re repressed minorities, silent majorities, even veterans and whiskey distillers. You name ’em, we’ve repressed ’em.

And yet, we don’t seem to have gotten it quite right. Our recipes for repression are not optimal. Those who might object on behalf of democracy’s alleged greatness are often the first to bewail the imminent demise of the system. Freedom and Democracy, it seems, are always in peril, embodying in reality the oxymoron of “eternal peril” invented in jest by Monty Python.

So even if freedom and democracy are the best of the worst, at the very least they deserve to be relieved of their absurdly eternal peril.

The answer I propose is that we have not repressed the right people. If we repress the right people in the right way for the right period of time, the rest of us can live in the most splendid, un-imperilled freedom the world has never known.

Humankind’s political choices are this: all of the people can be free some of the time, or some of the people can be free most of the time. Democracy chooses the first option. I modestly propose the second.

The reason the second option has a bad name now is because of its unfortunate association with kings, dictators, military juntas, aristocracies and police states. They all made the same mistake—they allotted freedom and repression in pretty much the same measure for the entire lifetimeof the individual subject/citizen—born to the manor, buried in the mausoleum.

Big mistake! What we need is a system of freedom and repressions attuned to the demographic age group of its citizens. Forget privilege and power based in any way on birth. Rather, privilege and power based on birth plus forty laps around the sun!

The obvious solution which has so far eluded us is to harshly repress the young, especially young men. If young people, especially men, lived under a police state the rest of us could live in a wildly free neo-hippie paradise. It wouldn’t even have to be “neo-hippie” it would be that chill.

Who commits crimes? Who commits terrorism? Who drives like shit? Young people, young people, young people. Especially men. The radical feminists are right, there’s no point arguing with them–insurance companies don’t, so neither should you. (In fact, there’s no point arguing with any radical system of thought—simply give in and submit to its critique and it goes away, like the Viet Cong, but that’s a digression…)

Male violence is the fundamental problem of every society. Fraud and corruption are secondary, and only slightly less male-dominated.

Whoring may be the oldest profession, but at least it was a profession. All in all, it seems like honest work. Male violence, however, is the oldest racket, and it has been perpetuating itself like a useless computer virus for much too long now. How long must we pay men to protect us from other men?

The radical feminists make only one mistake—they do not distinguish between “men” and men who have had their scalps disappear and dicks soften. In addition to lower testosterone (the world’s most dangerous drug), the latter tend have extensive family and social obligations which simply do not restrain the deluded thinking of 18-year-olds.

Eighteen year old men have a mindset designed for charging machine-gun nests: I’m special and I’ll live forever and the rules of common sense don’t apply to me.

Whereas the wisdom of age tells the senior conscript that adversaries become allies when the war ends, even Nazis and Commies, so why not just spray bullets around until each side runs out of ammo and the commanders are forced to withdraw?

This wisdom must be kept from the young (sh!), lest they fail to charge machine guns nests when we really really need them to, so already we’re talking about a police state in terms of information and censorship.

The mentality of 18 year olds is a wild resource which society must occasionally deploy and therefore must perpetually control. Like a pit bull. It is not something to be emulated by the broader culture, nor, given its admitted recklessness, does it seem particularly eligible for the so-called Rights of Man.

We should recast the Rights of Man as the Rights of Quadragenaria—forty laps around the sun (thirty for women, sorry, too bad dudes) and you’re in—full inalienable rights and participation with near-diplomatic immunity and with very little juridical supervision or surveillance, much less anything even resembling the Patriot Act.

Until then, make darn sure you’re papers are in order! Especially after curfew…

And don’t worry about any organized resistance from the youth to this proposed gerontocracy. They don’t vote, they don’t care. They don’t even read important things like this. Even if they did, you could still enact an Enlightened Gerontocracy without much protest because they would delude themselves by thinking:

I’m special, so I don’t need to worry about the upcoming harsh rules of gerontocracy because they won’t be applied to me like they will to other young people…

Previous revolutions have been costly and bloody and often fail to achieve lasting reforms. Establishing an Enlightened Gerontocracy, however, requires only the mellowest of revolutions against the world’s most privileged caste of people, so privileged they don’t even know it—the young and healthy.

Alan Brech 2012

Viagra’s Side Effects

Call your doctor if you experience loss of vision–

“Doc, I can’t see anything and I still wanna fuck it!”


“‘No’ looks a lot like ‘now’ when you’re lip-reading”

Shits and giggles–

Plop-plop hee-hee-hee

Or an erection lasting more than three hours.

Starting now, or when I first wanted it to go away?

Viagra is not for everyone–

Like this loser [picture of loser] or this douche-bag [picture: douche-bag] and all you fuckin’ chicks [picture: all chicks]

–But if you’re a young teenager who doesn’t pop wood while riding on a vibrating school bus early in the morning, you might wanna discuss Viagra with your cock doctor and your Mom.

When I was fifteen, Doc, I used to get hard every hour and semi-hard every half hour. But now I only get involuntaries first thing in the morning…right Mom?

[insert bonor joke here]


Big Book and High Education

Always pay special attention to the first third of a non-fiction book. The middle is in the middle for a reason and by the end the author wants it over as bad as you do. In the beginning is all the stuff the author actually enjoys dwelling on.

Western medicine is all pathology.  Pretty soon we’ll know the how and why of all the ways the body can fail. Treatment will remain symptomatic.

So let’s raise America’s education levels–only test Asian kids. And Jews. On Christmas.

Does this sound like a good investment?  Let’s pay for a kid to spend four or five years writing book reports. Think it’ll pay off? So why invest in higher education?

Everything I really needed to know I still haven’t learned yet. So obviously I didn’t need to learn that either.

Memorize the colorful anecdotes and digressions of history and culture. Ignore the main points of discussion because you will never get to discuss them yourself without sounding like a poser-dick.

Read everything as if there’s a 40% chance it’s total bullshit, that way you’ll end up retaining almost 60% of what you read.

Half of what we know cannot be quantified anyway.

And just because you can write an essay when you’re drunk means we’re probably gonna wanna read it when we’re sober. So develop your talents.

School teaches the awesome amazing power of the Last Minute. Huge, semi-monumental B+ quality work can be achieved in that “frantastic” stretch of space-time called the last minute.

Before that, 10 pages seem like 20. With one hour left, they only seem like 8 1/2 with wide margins.

Lawyers get the most schooling and that’s why they do all their work at the last minute. And so paralegals spend their days doing nothing and their nights working late.

Have you ever done nothing all day and then worked late?

Then you haven’t worked for a highly educated boss.

Alan Brech 2012

How to Talk to Foreigners

Canada:  How’s it feel to be from a country too lame to rebel against the British Empire?

Ireland:  Surrounded by good fisheries, you nevertheless managed to have a devastating Potato Famine.  And yet I’ve never heard of any Irish Fish Famine!  Eskimos have potato famines all the time and they’re never skinny.

Australia:  Your criminal ancestors’ requests for new trials has been granted and concluded:  ‘Turns out they were even more guilty than what they were convicted for (given modern morés against bestiality etc.).

Montana:  Isn’t that like a National Park or something?

France:  (Don’t. Snub them first.)

Pakistan:  In America, we’re building a town called Islama-good.  Because we’re optimists.

Iran:  Sorry amigo, when you call your capital city Terror-ran, it just makes me nervous.

Egypt:  Tarir Square?  ‘Sounds too much like Terror Square, sorry.

Germany:  How have things been since the anschluss with East Germany?  [Notoriously chilly when not drunk and overly-friendly, German visitors often require extra ice-breaking, so be sure to offer them some more lebensraum with their wine. If that doesn’t work, tell them that the tank is full of petrol and ammo and the neighbors are Polish.]

Israel-Palestine: Are you walled-in or are you walled-out?

Morocco:  What ever happened to that stuff called “hash?”

South Africa: When the feminists talk about Rape Culture, they’re not advocating it!  Now I’m not saying you have a duty to disprove the racist fear-mongers, but you kinda do…

Lebanon:  What ever happened to that stuff called “hash?”… Oh–how much does Al-Qaeda charge?

On Another Planet as Representative of All Humanity:  Man, you aliens are some ugly fucks!  No wonder you want our DNA!  I’d give you a free load of it right now if you’d just play that holographic porno you made with Shirley MacClaine.

Alan Brech

Our Greatest Divide: The Office versus The Field

A great social dichotomy that has not yet been studied by the social psychologists who appear on TV is that between The Office and The Field. They are different mindsets, different worlds, each with their own special ethos.

Generally speaking, as technology increases, we are all being moved from the Field into the fucking Office.  So learn up:

The Office:  almost everyone knows almost everything and everyone is very concerned about what they know and what they don’t know and what everyone else knows and how long they’ve known it

The Field:  everyone knows everything and no one gives a shit unless it’s a real problem

The Office:  social information, personal appearance and social alliances are almost as important as job performance; consequently, these remain active concerns of the mind even when home not working

The Field:  a simple credo of maximum sustainable productivity during work-time and maximum chilling out when not; bulldozing, for instance, does not remain a concern when home or at the bar

The Office:  Grouse and complain behind the back of supervision about their bad ideas and last for twenty years at the job, with promotions, benefits, etc.

The Field:  Stand up and tell the boss he’s fucked and get fired.  Then work for the same guy a couple years later after you both learn better

The Office:  small events are imbued with excessive amounts of social significance

The Field:  crazy shit is par for the course and thus no big whoop

The Office:  totem animal = the weasel

The Field:  totem animal = the ass—cuz you’re either sittin’ on it or bustin’ it

 © 2012 Alan Brech

Tactic #2: Flaunt Your Fake Marijuana Plants (part of our 4/20 special)

If everyone bought and displayed a couple of these:

Fake Marijuana Plant--only 1200 yen (10 buck)

Fake Marijuana Plant--only 1200 yen or 10 bucks

We might be able to plant the real ones soon afterwards!

(Operación Olé:  Overwhelm Law Enforcement)

It’s Not Frikkin’ Fair! Volume 81, Chapter 14: Gay Guys Can Say Anything to Women!

(c) 2012, Alan Brech

When Will They Pander to US? PLEASE Pander to Me!

As you might or might not expect, Pat Robertson’s plan is actually very similar to God’s plan:New slogans for Obama or Romney: “Fire up a second term!” or “I’m the white paper, you’re the homegrown–together, let’s spark up a new President!”

And by the way, if you find yourself on a  JURY for a cannabis CHARGE, you have the right, nay the duty, to NULLIFY IT !

It’s a proud part of Anglo-American law for this very reason–when “legalize it!” falls on deaf ears, Nullify it!:

And half the popular culture you look at will advertize it. They already do indirectly.

It’s Official: God Hates the Republican Red States–Scientific Maps of God’s Wrath PROVE It!

If you follow the Pat Robertson-Jerry Falwell line of thinking, whereby natural disasters such as Hurricane Katrina were somehow the result of anti-God lifestyles incurring the wrath of God (raging against New Orleans culture I suppose), then the following maps from FEMA and NOAA and various other respected sources prove–

God HATES Republicans!

He hates their districts, he hates their states, he probably even hates their pets more, although I don’t have the data maps to prove that one (YET!). But I’m sure a map of pet mortality, abandonment, fighting injuries, etc, would be heavily biased towards the red states, especially Dixie.

Start with the best–this is from NOAA:

Lop off everything west of Minnesota and Texas and you have a map of the Civil War! West Virginia did well to go their separate way.  The above map indicates that even if God doesn’t hate Southern Man as much as Neil Young, at the very least Thor does.

Now here are two maps of red states vs. blue states from Wikipedia:(bear in mind Florida is MUCH more “red”/conservative than these maps indicate, and probably Missouri too but I don’t know it’s hard to tell from 30,000 feet)

A map of the average margins of victory in the past five presidential elections
Author: Semocrat08 at en.wikipedia

 Here’s another way to define who’s red and who’s blue:

Summary of results of the 1996, 2000, 2004, and 2008 presidential elections:
red = States carried by the Republican in all four elections
pink = States carried by the Republican in three of the four elections
purple = States carried by each party twice in the four elections
light blue = States carried by the Democrat in three of the four elections
deep blue = States carried by the Democrat in all four elections
Author Angr (both maps from Wikipedia)

With these red state vs. blue state maps in mind, look at the following maps of God’s Wrath recently wrought upon the United States:

County Level Mortality Rates by Natural Hazards

from the New Scientist website (their motto: “Fuck those old scientists”). This map documents more than just Thor’s handiwork:

Note how the red part of New York State (upstate but not Buffalo) is afflicted, while all around all the liberal areas seem to enjoy the tranquility of God’s Protection. Compare eastern (liberal) Pennsylvania with western (conservative) PA.  Naturally, liberal-but-slightly-disasterous Vermont is an underperformer in everything except small unit tactics.

As much as even I, a New Florid-Yorkian, hate to say it, the above map clearly shows where God’s love is the strongest–liberal Massachusetts and Connecticut.

Hmm, makes you wanna NOT think about it! Makes you wanna distract yourself away from the obvious fact that–Ok, here’s another map:
Map of General Mortality Rates by County (also from the New Groovy Scientist Man):

So the conclusion is inescapable: God hates the Republican “red” states.

(c) 2012, Alan Brech