In December I worked as a temporary “jumper” for UPS delivering packages to businesses and residences during the hectic Christmas rush. For a while it seemed like the third funnest job I’ve ever had, right behind contract archaeology and college bartending.

People were genuinely glad to see me, sometimes ecstatic. I was popular again! In Seinfeld terms, I got paid to hand out other people’s big salads and get thanked for it.

One night, around 10:00, I delivered a package to a lady and her young daughter. The lady commented that they had us out late that night. Yes ma’am, I told her, we’ll probably be out until midnight tonight.

“Cool!!!” exclaimed the young girl.

And for a while it really did seem cool. Very cool, in fact…

But then came January–cold, wet, dreary–and it became just another shit-job.

So you see, kids, it was really the Magic of Christmas that made it seem so fun and cool. And that’s how I know that this Christmas Magic stuff is fucking real. Now get some sleep, kids.