Citing the long tradition of fit-and-trim Republican nominees for president, the leadership of the GOP has recalled the nomination of Donald Trump, issuing the following rambling statement:

“That person was a Miss Universe presidential primary person and she he was the worst we ever had. The worst. The absolute worst. She He was impossible. And she he was a Miss Universe primary contestant, ultimately a winner who they had a tremendously difficult time with as Miss Universe the nominee. She He was the winner and, you know, she he gained a massive amount of weight and it was a real problem.We had a real problem. Not only that but her his attitude and we had a real problem with her him, so…”

Nevertheless, GOP leadership has agreed to retain Mr. Trump’s nomination if he will submit to working out in front of live television cameras while the GOP leadership stands there watching.