Monthly Archives: November 2015

Hating Your Name

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It’s telling that more people have “Alan / Allen” as a last name than as a first. Because your parents can’t choose your last name.

Yes, Alan means courage in French (élan) but only in French and French courage just isn’t the same.

Two soft vowels and two soft consonants? No wonder I’m fat.

Alan da Vinci? Alan Einstein? Alan Patton? No fucking way!

The list of great and famous Alans is as short as the list of Dwaynes.

I’d legally change it but I’m too spiteful. And it gives me the safety net of having something to blame.

If I were named Albert or Alfred or Alphonse I would never let myself be called Al lest someone suspect it was short for Alan.

You can judge the dude-liness of a man’s name by how many words it rhymes with. Mark, Jack, Fred, Bill, Mike and Joe rhyme with everything. All I’ve got is gallon. Big deal–Peter rhymes with liter and Mort rhymes with quart. No name rhymes with pint but then nothing rhymes with pint.

On the bright side, I don’t have to say it as much as the people who know me. That’s one good thing.

And it’s not a gay name, not that there’s anything wrong with gay names. And it’s not a criminal’s name, not that there’s anything wrong with crime.

It’s just a good-natured, fat nerd’s name, that’s all. I can take it.

alan_name

Popularity of the name Alan; from http://www.behindthename.com

Getting Fully Empty

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A lot of these UFO abduction reports seem to involve sperm and egg removal so if you’re a man you’re better off keeping yourself on empty.

By any means necessary

In fact, if more men walked around empty the world would be a safer place even without the aliens. I know it’s nice to tote around a reservoir of energy, ready for action, but it causes conflicts, so if the action is not realistically coming, you’re better off running on empty.

You’ll say less stupid things. Load level and long term planning vary inversely to each other, so think ahead and let it go first.

Empty stomachs cause wars but empty wabs sooth the savage beast.

A mother bear with cubs will kill you but a male bear who’s just made cubs won’t give a shit.

Are you really in love with her? Hollow your rocks and then think about whether you still want to be with her. Do you? Then you’re in love.

The poet Heinrich Heine said that draining the well dried up his Muse—yeah, lighter balls lead to less Hiney poems, no shit.

That was corny because I’m running light. But I’m at peace too. I certainly don’t need that.

Not yet… I’m good for now and now is all you get in life.

When you’re fully empty and you see a beautiful woman your life does not become deficient. You’re OK with it. Less is more, see.

It’s hard to think about God or philosophy with a heavy sack. Priests should be required to auto-deflate in order to get closer to God. You can’t be spiritual thinking about that ass! So just go ahead and think about that ass and get it over with and then spend the rest of the day on your meditations and services, unencumbered by those mindless little single-celled organisms that take over your thinking and cause half the world’s evil.

Because sperm liberation is human liberation.

And it fucks with the aliens’ evil agenda. I’ve never been abducted.