Sex with Neanderthals

Scientists hypothesized that Neanderthals and modern humans may have interbred at various points in European prehistory but it was all in the butt. This is because the first group of modern people to venture into Neanderthal habitat was Anal Man.

It was thought that Anal Man died out 40,000 years ago but we now know that there’s a little bit of Anal Man in all of us. Mitochondrial DNA analysis even points to the existence of an Anal Eve, a single maternal ancestor on the Anal side of the human family tree.

She was hot. And she know how to treat a man like a man, even if the man was technically sub-human. Especially if he was sub-human!

Y-chromosome analysis also point to the existence of an Anal Adam. Five of them. Scientists refer to them as Lance, Bruce, Wayne, Rod and Pete Townshend, who has a very primitive face.

With the absorption of the remnant Anal Man populations c. 40,000 years ago, modern homo sapiens trekked north into Eurasia, turning tricks and robbing the Neanderthals of all their shit.

“The Neanderthals were stupid and had it coming,” was how the Cro-Magnons justified it to themselves.

“The Neanderthals were stupid and had it coming,” is how scientists now explain it.

Scientists also theorized that Neanderthals and early modern humans may have reproduced through orgies. Experimental archaeologists–people who recreate ancient technologies in order to better understand their artifacts–have proven that you can have an orgy in a cave. Toes get stubbed and heads get bumped and there are bugs, but it is possible.

Orgy Man was thus the first descendant of Neanderthal and Homo Sapien interbreeding. Multiple paternity ensures that each male member of the clusterfuck has a potential genetic interest in the well-being of any child born to the cluster.

Conversely, when danger calls and you need to cut your losses, hey, there’s only a 1/8 chance any of those kids are mine–see ya!

This combination of heroic group cohesion and craven moral flexibility is what helped modern people out-compete those dunderheaded Neanderthals.

So the final word on Neanderthals and Homo Sapiens is this:  we interbred for a while and then broke up.

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