John Kerry’s “Sista Souljah” Speech at the American Embassy in Cuba

Forget about Al Gore running in 2016, it’s John Kerry we need to be watching:

“In the words of that famous Cuban-American Tony Montana:  ‘F-f-ffock you!‘ ”


“No wait–excuse me–that was the wrong quote–I mis-swore: ‘First you get the money, then you get the pussy!

(Louder applause)

“And now with the reopening of our embassy here in Cooba, we can proudly proclaim: It’s pussy time!”

(Wild applause)

‘Say hello to my little friend!’

(Wild applause)

‘Oy Conyo!’ ”  (Applause) ” ‘What you lookin at? You fucking cockroach! Who the fuck you calling a Spic, mang? Chi chi, get the yeyo. And don’t be calling me no dishwasher or I’ll kick you fuckin’ monkey ass!’

” ‘You wanna go to war? We take you to war, OK! There’s not gonna be a next time you dumb fucking Cuban.’

‘I’m Tony Montana, a political prisoner from Cooba. And I want my fuckin’ human rights now!’

Audience:  “Black Cuban lives matter!

Dislikers Anonymous

Coming of age in the Hatin’ Eighties, I tried to embrace the lovey-dovey touchy-feely ethos of the 1990s and the Aughts. I even used expressions like “It’s all good.”

But it didn’t take. I have to admit–I’m a hater; I dislike people. They bother me, they disappoint me, they lie, and I prefer nature. When I see land being cleared for new houses for happy new families I cry. When I hear about new breakthroughs in medical science I mutter “Yeah, and it’ll cost you your net worth.”

I’m not a Despiser, however, let’s get that clear. Just a hater. Ok, technically speaking, as per my 8th grade English teacher, I’m a Disliker, not a hater. Hitler was a hater. I’m not that.

(Moment of self-doubt:  Am I?)

But still, everyone knows the pathetic history of the word “dislike”–after hundreds of years it’s gotten nowhere–no one uses it! One of the English language’s poorest performing elements. People hate “dislike.” They despise it!

Google “Haters Anonymous” and you get hundreds of thousands of results including a new pop song. Google “Dislikers Anonymous” and you get nothing. Google “dislikers” and you get something about people on YouTube who don’t like the new pop songs.

In fact, I was going to call this piece “Haters Anonymous” but I had to cancel that when I saw there were so many other people with similar ideas. I’d hate to be part of a big group of people. I’d rather be alone, even if it means using that lamest of words, “dislike.”

Google “dislikers anonymous” now and all you’ll get is me, by myself, standing apart, terminally contemptuous, hopelessly negative, wallowing in pessimism, exulting in misanthropy.

Sex with Neanderthals

Scientists hypothesized that Neanderthals and modern humans may have interbred at various points in European prehistory but it was all in the butt. This is because the first group of modern people to venture into Neanderthal habitat was Anal Man.

It was thought that Anal Man died out 40,000 years ago but we now know that there’s a little bit of Anal Man in all of us. Mitochondrial DNA analysis even points to the existence of an Anal Eve, a single maternal ancestor on the Anal side of the human family tree.

She was hot. And she know how to treat a man like a man, even if the man was technically sub-human. Especially if he was sub-human!

Y-chromosome analysis also point to the existence of an Anal Adam. Five of them. Scientists refer to them as Lance, Bruce, Wayne, Rod and Pete Townshend, who has a very primitive face.

With the absorption of the remnant Anal Man populations c. 40,000 years ago, modern homo sapiens trekked north into Eurasia, turning tricks and robbing the Neanderthals of all their shit.

“The Neanderthals were stupid and had it coming,” was how the Cro-Magnons justified it to themselves.

“The Neanderthals were stupid and had it coming,” is how scientists now explain it.

Scientists also theorized that Neanderthals and early modern humans may have reproduced through orgies. Experimental archaeologists–people who recreate ancient technologies in order to better understand their artifacts–have proven that you can have an orgy in a cave. Toes get stubbed and heads get bumped and there are bugs, but it is possible.

Orgy Man was thus the first descendant of Neanderthal and Homo Sapien interbreeding. Multiple paternity ensures that each male member of the clusterfuck has a potential genetic interest in the well-being of any child born to the cluster.

Conversely, when danger calls and you need to cut your losses, hey, there’s only a 1/8 chance any of those kids are mine–see ya!

This combination of heroic group cohesion and craven moral flexibility is what helped modern people out-compete those dunderheaded Neanderthals.

So the final word on Neanderthals and Homo Sapiens is this:  we interbred for a while and then broke up.