Testing the Limits of the Law

Is this legal, illegal, or just fucked up?

“American Airlines, can I help you?

“Hello, this is Allahu Akbar al Jihadi. There is no bomb aboard Flight 2257 from Paris. Repeat–no bomb.”

“No bomb?”

“No. None. You can relax. And on Flight 4141 from Miami–those guys are not hijackers.”

“Not hijackers?”

“No, they’re day laborers. The hijackers got scared on the way to the airport and hired them instead. Unfortunately, they’re quite harmless… But whatever you do, for God’s sake don’t let them drink too much. Tell them you’re flying over a dry county when they ask for seconds.”

“Ok…anything else?”

“Yeah, could I get a one-way to Isantbul tomorrow?”

Hey It’s For Charity!

We can’t all be John Lennon and have sex for peace. But we can all masturbate for charity. Last year’s Spooge-a-Thon raised over $120,000 and 5000 gallons.

This will provide invaluable help to storm refugees driven to their local ejaculation centers. There they will receive food, blankets, and spooge. Lots of spooge.

So donate to the Red Toss. Donate that most precious gift of all.

Don’t just sit there jerking off when you can save the world doing the exact same thing!

Boy scouts and girl scouts will come around to collect it, followed by some police interrogators.

Just tell them you’ve already given a quart to Police Benevolence and deny everything else.

Remember, if just half the proceeds of Debbie Does Dallas had gone to charity, the entire nation of Bangladesh could have been covered in spew.

So let’s wipe the tears off the faces of the suffering and replace it with bukkake. Share your time and substance with people in need. In need of seed.

This is the only charity where you can easily give more than Bill Gates. Much more!

And with matching grants from the federal government, every ounce you donate will be matched by the government, since all they do is sit around jacking off anyway.

Stealing Our Points of View

Body cams for cops? Of course!

And then it’s body cams for teachers, body cams for security guards, and wrist cams for surgeons.

Soon every company will want body cams on its employees. And then the stockholders will want body cams on management. “Why are we paying them so much anyway?”

All our vehicles, even bicycles, will be fully cammed. Not protecting your child with a body cam will be considered negligence if not abuse.

Life will be one big non-selfie.

Our very points of view will be accessible by government or management. It will no longer be ours.

(Granted, most people have stupid points of view anyway, but hey, you gotta have some personality!)

We will all become walking Big Brother cams.

The Luckiest Generation is that which grows up during the flowering of technology right before it outgrows us.

To this generation I say “You lucky bastards!”

To the next generation I say “You poor fucking saps…”

That Dreadful New Money

If they put a woman on the 20 dollar bill it will only be worth $19.43.

Real Players don’t flash Tubmans.

They should make money like those birthday cards that talk when you unfold them. “Are you sure you need this?”

Everyone should have to sign their money.

The burning of old bills should become a quasi-religious public ceremony. For the True Faith. New Value rising like a Phoenix…

Have you ever rubbed money on your aching foot? Cuts out the middleman.

Edible money is the next big thing. Right after legal tender blunt-wraps. Hey, if people want to eat or smoke some specially-prepared money, the Treasury Dept. should accommodate them. ‘Make a little extra money so that they don’t have to suck in all our tax dollars to pay for their expenses printing our money.

If Obama puts a woman on the $20 it will cause America to become socialist-Muslim, just like everything Obama does.

So what’s next, a Tranny $50? A gay $100? A lesbian Grand?

In my system, each president would equal their number: Washington is a $1, Adams is a $2, Lincoln is a $16, Bush Jr. is a $43, etc. That way we could judge presidential candidates on their ability to make good money:  “A $45 Huckabee??? I don’t think so!”