With the 2016 Political Olympiad approaching, candidates need to be prepared to woo those strangely moderate independents:

Q:  Would you attend a gay wedding?

A:  How gay? Very gay? Or just gay? I might make up an excuse if it was going to be a very gay wedding.

Q:  What do you read?

A:  I always put on the close-captions. So everything.

Q:  Do you have enough experience?

A:  Only the dead have enough experience.

Q:  Should taxpayer money pay for abortions?

A:  I believe in life insurance for the unborn. That way the abortion pays for itself.

Q:  Did the Surge work?

A:  I’m more interested in making the work surge than debating whether bribing Sunni tribesmen led to victory in a complicated foreign adventure.

Q:  Do people have the right to die?

A:  They do, but absent any crime, we don’t have the right to kill them. Therefore, we need to make up a fake crime that people can easily commit when they want us to kill them. Like standing in a box on the freeway, or something.

Q:  Have you ever lusted in your heart?

A:  Lust? Describe what you’re talking about. Be specific. Give examples from your own experience so that I can better understand the question.

Q:  Should a 14-year-old girl seeking an abortion have to tell her parents?

A:  She should have to tell the coolest member of her family–an aunt, an uncle, a grandparent–someone who can handle it. Then they sign the note on behalf of the fucked up family.

Q:  Do you believe in God?

A:  God believes in us, that’s what counts, and that’s what’s scary… It seems oddly fallible.