1.     “Now you contacted The Roadshow asking whether you might have any African or Indian ancestry in your family background. And the reason you asked is because–”

“Because I’m the Grand Wizard of the Ku Klux Klan in my area.”

“Normally we at The Roadshow don’t do pedigree searches for racist organizations, but your case was particularly fascinating. Both DNA and family history research clearly reveals that you are 6.25 percent–or 1/16th–African. How does that make you feel?”

“Shit–now I gotta lynch myself!”

“Lynch yourself?!  Being part black is no reason to stop living.”

(Tying rope around his neck) “After all the white women I’ve banged, it just wouldn’t be right.”

2.     “Congratulations, your great-great grandfather invented gerbiling.”

3.     “Now, looking at the 1840 census shown here, you can see that your fourth great-grandmother, Judith Linton, is listed here as living in New Orleans. Scrolling to the right, can you read what it says under ‘occupation’?”

“Two-bit whore?”

“Two-bit whore. So the good news is–well, at least she wasn’t a one-bit whore, at least not in 1840. By the 1860 census, however, she was living in the poorhouse and couldn’t even give it away.”

4.     “Tracing your family history back over numerous generations, we found that your great-great-great-great-great grandfather was an orangutan named Koko. And this is a picture of Koko here from his days in the circus… Now, prior to twenty years ago, subhuman genealogy was all but impossible. But today, with recent advances in genetic science, we’re actually able to break it down and tell you what part of your ancestry is gorilla, what part chimp, what part orang, what part howler monkey, and what part Irish. Looking only at the subhuman side of your family, you can see in this pie chart that you are 12% gorilla, 28% chimp, 30% orangutan, 15% macaque, and–and this was surprising–15% bush baby. We at The Roadshow have never seen such diversity before.”

“It’s like a big melting pot.”

“Or a village cooking pot full of bush meat.”

“It’s great getting in touch with your roots like that.”

“Or tree branches, in your case.”