Malapropisms and Other Verbal Fuck-Ups

Mouth-to-mouth resuffocation
Macho Peacho
Man’s Laughter (as in second-degree murder)
Askanazi Jews
JRR Tollking
Saks Watch
Add Hominy
Delicate Intestines
Sunny Muslims
Statuary Rape
Orc Chasms
Fragrant Fowls
Analwrecksya (makes you skinny and you walk with a limp)
Pubic Television
Prostrate Cancer
Tequila Mockingbird

Best Reveals from PBS’s Genealogy Roadshow

1.     “Now you contacted The Roadshow asking whether you might have any African or Indian ancestry in your family background. And the reason you asked is because–”

“Because I’m the Grand Wizard of the Ku Klux Klan in my area.”

“Normally we at The Roadshow don’t do pedigree searches for racist organizations, but your case was particularly fascinating. Both DNA and family history research clearly reveals that you are 6.25 percent–or 1/16th–African. How does that make you feel?”

Shit–now I gotta lynch myself!”

“Lynch yourself?!  Being part black is no reason to stop living.”

(Tying rope around his neck) “After all the white women I’ve banged, it just wouldn’t be right.”

2.     “Congratulations, your great-great grandfather invented gerbiling.”

3.     “Now, looking at the 1840 census shown here, you can see that your fourth great-grandmother, Judith Linton, is listed here as living in New Orleans. Scrolling to the right, can you read what it says under ‘occupation’?”

“Two-bit whore?”

“Two-bit whore. So the good news is–well, at least she wasn’t a one-bit whore, at least not in 1840. By the 1860 census, however, she was living in the poorhouse and couldn’t even give it away.”

4.     “Tracing your family history back over numerous generations, we found that your great-great-great-great-great grandfather was an orangutan named Koko. And this is a picture of Koko here from his days in the circus… Now, prior to twenty years ago, subhuman genealogy was all but impossible. But today, with recent advances in genetic science, we’re actually able to break it down and tell you what part of your ancestry is gorilla, what part chimp, what part orang, what part howler monkey, and what part Irish. Looking only at the subhuman side of your family, you can see in this pie chart that you are 12% gorilla, 28% chimp, 30% orangutan, 15% macaque, and–and this was surprising–15% bush baby. We at The Roadshow have never seen such diversity before.”

“It’s like a big melting pot.”

“Or a village cooking pot full of bush meat.”

“It’s great getting in touch with your roots like that.”

“Or tree branches, in your case.”

Interview with a Sniper

Q:  Is killing bad?

Q:  Which of your kills is your favorite?

Q:  Which kill are you most proud of? Which kill are you most likely to tell your grandchildren about?

Q:  Is it true that if you’re lucky in combat then you’re basically a dead man walking back in the civilian world? (You know, Chris Kyle, Ira Hayes, etc.)

Q:  Isn’t it true that the military will soon be deploying robotic snipers?

Q:  And when robotic snipers take the place of human trigger-pullers, will the computer jockeys who remotely operate these robo-snipers be heroes?

Q:  Will it take a special breed of people to remotely operate these robo-snipers?

Q:  And if, in the near future, these joystick killers operating from their office are not particularly special nor heroic, why are you? It’s the same job, right?

A:  Because snipers get shot at. Drone operators don’t.

Q:  Good point! So it’s really getting shot at that makes one heroic, not the shooting?

A:  I think it’s the combination of performing a difficult task while getting shot at or potentially getting shot at.

Q:  So if you could play chess while getting shot at, you’d be the most heroic chess player?… I guess I could see that. Thanks for the interview, sir.

A:  Thanks for letting me know I’m about to be automated out of a job.