Laugh not lest ye be laughed at.

If a brother should smite thee with a humorous anecdote, reply with two stories even more self-deprecating.

Blessed are the unfunny and the dull-witted for their zingers will rip us new assholes in the Kingdom of Heaven.

Blessed are the easily confused and those who never get the joke for they shall receive the humor of God and will know when the archangels are being sarcastic. Yea, they will finally get it.

Blessed are those who suffer ethnic disparagement because of the crude, silly antics of their countrymen, for they shall have better addresses. And better countrymen.

In the beginning was the Pun and the Pun was stupid. Stupid good!

Get thee behind me, hack comedian!

Whose face is on this button? Bozo’s? Then give unto Bozo that which is Bozo’s.

But avoid the leaven of the hack comedians so that thy humor is not fluffy and airy but tough and full of substance like unleavened bread.

For wide is the gate, and broad is the way, and slippery is the surface that leadeth to cheap laughs.

And if a heckler should ruin your act, go ahead and give him your overcoat as well. The one with bubonic fleas.

Ask, and it shall be given unto you; seek, and ye shall find; knock and it shall be opened unto you. Knock-knock, and we’re pulling your ass off the stage.

Forgive them Father, for they do not know a good joke for shit… But please kill those hecklers.