The Opposite of War

When we sent soldiers to war they often came back with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). But now we’re sending them to Liberia to build hospitals and health infrastructure and everyone loves them there.

So now they’re coming home with the opposite of PTSD–post-ecstatic safety disorder–the same mental illness that afflicted all those Peace Corps freaks in the 60’s and 70’s.

“Ever since my deployment [to West Africa] I just don’t feel threatened anymore. I don’t even want to shoot at targets during training anymore.”

If PTSD resembles a bad acid trip flashback, experts have likened PESD to an overly touchy-feely MDMA session (aka “rolling on X”).

Training sergeant:  “Soldier, why did you fail to discharge your weapon at any of the pop-up targets?!”

Soldier:  “They were all friendlies, Sarg’! Look at ’em–they need schools and bridges and hospitals… and hugs, lots of hugs.”

The effect on military families cannot be overstated:

“Man, I sleep way too deeply now. I’ve become so mellow it drives my spouse crazy. ‘How come nothing upsets you anymore!?’ And then that just makes me laugh which drives them even more crazy.”

“Daddy’s not the same anymore. He lets my little brothers and sisters get away with murder. I had to grow up with bed-checks and mandatory PT every morning.”

The Pentagon has responded by quarantining all soldiers returning from non-warfare operations in West Africa. Not for Ebola, but rather to keep their touchy-feely neo-hippie mindset from infecting the rest of our forces.

It’s especially important, the Pentagon has realized, to keep all elite units such as the Rangers out of non-warfare operations where there is no chance for any old-fashioned Traumatic Stress to keep them on edge.

It turns out some people need to be kept on edge.

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