Words and Phrases I’d Like to See Less Of

Game-changer:  Life is no game and games that don’t change aren’t any fun and aren’t really games.

Closure:  According to my Oxford Universal Dictionary from 1955, psychological closure did not exist back then. No one had it. Now suddenly no one can live without it. I need some closure on “closure.”

Empowering:  In a social setting, “power” means power over other people. One cannot have power in a social sense without some poor chump losing power. The Tennessee Value Authority, the Rural Electrification Program–now that was empowering!

Sea-change:  Other than pollution from human beings, the sea never changes; it’s always the same every time I look. It’s a biological fact that evolution occurs much slower in the ocean than on land. Witness the horseshoe crab–you couldn’t get away with that kind of static bullshit on land.

Cutting edge:  With so many people claiming to be cutting edge, it’s amazing the whole universe hasn’t been shredded yet.

Alpha male:  What’s wrong with the old-fashioned term “asshole?”

Climate change:  Let’s go back to “global warming” because that’s what it is and to hell with all the anti-intellectual stooges and the moneyed interests who have confused them with bullshit.

Medical science:  They’re just guessing and they’ve been guessing wrong for millennia.

Personal validation:  I wouldn’t mind this phrase if I were given a large red stamp that read “IN-VALID!” that I could stamp across the foreheads of the world’s six billion assholes.

Make love:  I prefer fucking. And when we fight or when you claim you have a headache, are we “making hate?”

Girl power:  See above comments on “empowering.”  Also, if we just got rid of all the “alpha males” (Pol Pot-style) everything would be all right, including gender relations.

Words and Phrases I’m Glad Are Dying:

Black-on-black crime:  What about White-on-Indian crime? Oh okay, that’s just American History. Or what about Jew-on-Jew lawsuits–now there’s a rampant problem!

War on terror:  This might be okay if we also had a war on anxiety and a war on boredom. Because I’m never terrified but I’m frequently anxious and bored. Even after 9-11 I wasn’t terrified.  And by 10-11 of the same year I was bored with the whole thing and very anxious about where our country was headed.

Family values:  Instead, let’s have “single guy values” and “pussy-whipped values.”  I’d also advocate for having “single woman values” but unfortunately all they seem to value is starting a family. What’s a “pussy-whipped value?” Well, for one, being so terrorized by terrorism that you’re willing to give up all your freedoms and privacy. Or hearing on the intercom that your commuter train will be delayed by five minutes and immediately getting on your cellphone to tell your spouse that “Honey, I’m going to be five minutes late.” Or take modern country music written by men–in the old days, it was all about fucking and fighting and gambling and rambling, but now it’s all about “Honey, I bought you these flowers to show you how sorry I am…”  Yeah, you’re sorry all right: Whip-crack!

Exclusive Video of Stephen Collins’ Molestation Scandal!

TMZ may have the audio but only Perverted Wisdom has the video!

Secret surveillance recordings from Stephen Collins’ disgruntled wife show him boinking an underage-looking girl with a spuriously coincidental resemblance to the actress Keri Russell. Repeat: the coincidental nature of the resemblance to Keri Russell is entirely spurious.

Stephen Collins as the lucky perv and Keri Russell as the high school student in love with her molester, in The Babysitter's Seduction

Stephen Collins as the lucky perv and Keri Russell as the high school student in love with her molester, in The Babysitter’s Seduction

Next installment:  secret surveillance footage of Stephen Collins leching out while a young woman pretending to be his daughter twerks for him.

Stupid ISIS Puns

ISIS recently opened branches in Rome and Naples called Italian ISIS.

As a public relations ploy, ISIS is taking on the issue of Global Warming, creating a phony “sub-caliphate” called ISIS Melting.

Once again, Bill Clinton was prophetic when he said:  “It depends on what is is.” And for his prescience, he got ridiculed. Like all prophets.

ISIS’s failed attempt to use two decrepit Llamas from South America named Hal and Al as pack animals to transport their weapons led one Islamic scholar to question whether the animals could be slaughtered for food:  “Is ISIS’s Sick Llamas Islamic? Or are Hal and Al not Halal?”

He was killed. Too many questions.

Unfortunately, simply referring to ISIS as ISIL is not going to isil-late them.

But we must stop ISIS soon because if they take over Jordan they will be called ISJIS and if they take over Turkey they’ll be called ISIST and if they take over both Turkey and Europe they will be called ISISTER, and then we’ll have a State of Holy Islamic Terror, or SHIT for short.

Best new tasty treat on the market–ISIS Cream.  I scream, you scream, we all scream for ISIS cream.  Off with their heads–this shit is good!  Be sure to try all the new flavors: Martyr’s Blood®, Decap-puccino®, and Kiss My Ka’aba® Extra Dark Chocolate with real meteorite chunks®.  We don’t have to consult a Prophet to know that you’re gonna love this stuff–you surah will–because kids and Imams all agree, ISIS Cream is the ultimate delicious treat that will ruin your appetite forever!