Questions for the Ages

Are Daisy Dukes appropriate for the Church of the Holy Sepulcher?

Did they really invent a martial-arts fighting style based on the Macarena? In a fair fight, could it beat the Hustle?

Why does GEICO use computers to write its advertising jokes? Have we been automated all ready? Because I’m saying it ain’t working–their shit sucks. And yeah, that’s my punch line.

Since when did the Misogyny Club of America get taken over by women??? Fuckin’ bitches…

Is there a place in Heaven for good people who are truly annoying?

Did Milton write Fanny Hill or are all the numerous resemblances purely coincidental?

If family names are often based on occupations and professions (Cooper, Miller, etc.) how come no one is named Prostitute? Or Spy? Or Royalbuttlicker?

Have you ever considered the advantages of armor-piercing?

Would Plato’s Allegory of the Cave have meant something different if it were a porn?

Why agonize over white phosphorous versus napalm when you can have them both?

And doesn’t your family deserve a better caliber machine gun? Think of the kids.

In the future, as the War on Terror enters its 300th year, will it be time to reflect on whether our methods are adequate to the task? Will we still be willing to give up constitutional rights we never really had?

Did Madonna go too far with her Molly Christmas album?

My Fake Conversion to Isislam

Shopping for religions one day, exploring all the philosophical and doctrinal differences and weighing their various defects and virtues, I decided I needed a religion with more beheadings.

A religion with more beheadings is the kind of religion you want to be a part of, that’s for sure. As the saying goes: “Faith, Hope, Charity, yet without beheadings, I am as nothing.”

It’s hard not to think about God during a beheading. It’s so moving.

What a great selling point for our religion—the Jehovah Witnesses have their pamphlets and the Protestants have their hospitals and faggy medical missionaries, but hey, we’ve got snuff films!

Snuff films which glorify God.

If the Prophet were alive today, he’d be into that kind of snuff, right?

Thousands of psychotic converts like me are inexorably drawn to the True Faith (mankind’s best hope) after seeing a video of a beheading.

You had me at the first messy knife-cut!

If only they could bring back quartering–you know, where they put a draft animal on each limb–think of all the sick-fuck converts we could win over!

Our religion will benefit greatly from drawing in all these sick-fucks who like snuff. We will be the new Elect of God, singing ancient praises of the All Mighty One, watching high-pressure blood splatter, kidnapping a wife or two…

Yeah, that’s a hell of a recruitment tool. Literally.

Mysteries and Enigmas of Economic ‘Science’

In oil-rich, desert kingdoms, it costs you more in water to rinse out a plastic cup than to use a new one.

In oil-scarce, agricultural countries, it costs society more to wrap up a half-eaten sandwich for later consumption than it does to just throw that shit out and make a new one later.

That’s where international trade comes in.

You see, there’s supply and there’s demand. But modern, overproducing economies such as ours demand demand. Because without demand, supply isn’t even supply. It’s just this shit. The demand for demand is known as “meta-demand” or D-squared in fancy economic equations designed to make it seem like a science.

But there’s a limited supply of demand. If demand were unlimited, there’d be no demand for it. That is, there would be no meta-demand and all our supplies would become shitty.

Now, the lazy subsistence peasant who would rather work shorter hours than produce an agricultural surplus (a mindset criticized by that famous theorist of the Industrial Revolution, Max Weber) is actually right:

If you work harder one year to create a surplus, yes, you make more money that year but you thereby flood the market with your product, lowering its value in future years. Your product worth less money, you then have to work even harder in following years just to make what you were making before you stupidly decided to work harder.

So fuck Weber.

Compounding the problem, when the peasants make more money the amount of money in the hands of peasants increases, thereby lowering its value. So not only is your product worth less than before, your money is also worth less.

Having stumbled headlong onto the gerbil-wheel of the Technological Revolution, humanity as a whole is constantly lowering the long-term value of its work product just to make some money in the short-term. Given the inexorable trend towards full automation, soon our work will be worthless and so will our money. We’ll be living in world of inexpensive shit that no one can afford.

What you want instead is a world full of costly things that everyone can afford. That’s the ideal, impossible though it be.

Hypothetically, in a world of only five people (“A” – “E”), wherein A makes a profit on B who profits on C who profits over D who profits from E, if E doesn’t make a profit from A the whole system collapses. And that’s why economics doesn’t make sense with just five people. It takes millions of people to confuse everything and make it work.

Only then are real solutions possible. For instance, it’s a truism of capitalism that government spending did not get us out of the Great Depression; World War II did. But what was World War II? Military spending. And what is military spending? It’s government spending.

Therefore, the best kind of spending a government can do is to buy expensive shit and then blow it up, hopefully with a resultant loss of life in the process. That creates real value.

World War II put America on top by severely weakening the competing economies of Europe. In fact, it so weakened them that America was then forced to give money to Europe (via the famous Marshall Plan) lest America’s economy should collapse. In other words, “E” had to make some money off of “A.”

And so, all you A-list, wealthy people, if you really want to stay on top you need to give this peasant some money. And no, I’m not going to work any harder for it–that would ruin everything.

I Don’t Hate Women But…

I don’t think I hate women but I hate all the women shown in advertisements and commercials and I think that real women actually like them so maybe that’s like indirectly hating women.

And I don’t like Hillary Clinton, so that’s also like hating women I guess.

I don’t like writing “his or her” and “he or she” and fucking “humankind”–only two extra letters and yet I almost resent it. So that’s not good.

I think of God as dudely, not femme. Like even if God were gay he’d still be a top.

And yeah, I’d rather have male offspring. We all would.

But I don’t hate women, heck no. What’s there to dislike? Incessant communication is fine. Constant mood modulation is the only way to live.

I hate macho men more than I dislike anyone, but I also know that women secretly like macho men so that could mean I’m indirectly hating women again. It could be transitive.

Things I must learn to love about women: their effect on old friendships; cosmetic Truth; bad hand jobs…

I don’t think I’m a misogynist but then again back in the 70’s millions of people–all of us–thought they weren’t racist but obviously were. Even liberal-ass M*A*S*H had a character named Spear-Chucker Jones.

Didn’t Heinrich Himmler often begin sentences with “I don’t mean to sound like a racist, but…”

So you gotta be careful–shit can creep up on you.