Ants don’t like being pissed on.

If your cigarette falls into a spider web you’d better not smoke it.

But if you find actual roaches in your bag of pot it’s ok.

Killing all the spiders in your house only leads to a millipede infestation so why bother.

Most animals are sexists but only domesticated pets are racists. That’s the human influence.

When your cat brings home a dead bird you should respond by putting a dead goose in its litter box. And if they bring home a dead mouse leave them a dead guinea pig. They’ll get the message.

Animals have better orgasms than we do. And that’s why stupid people are better lovers.

Moths fly crooked because they can’t remember shit. They don’t have to.

A housecat addicted to second-hand tobacco smoke will love you forever. Just don’t quit.

A bear addicted to tobacco smoke, however, is a menace to society.

Houseflies may be stupid but they know when you’re holding a flyswatter and when you’re not.

Plants don’t care who they fuck.

Mollusks ain’t much better.

But birds are too choosey. It’s all about that golden balance.