•   Neill Clark Warren, founder of E-Harmony, and, sorry to admit, his granddaughter:Theory: Neill Clark Warren exudes that bland, smarmy, fake goodness of a Mormon or Christian pastor, especially when he talks to his granddaughter.

Why do I want to beat up his granddaughter? I don’t know, I guess I’m just evil. Or maybe she crosses the line between genuinely cute, and overdone, sickeningly fake cute.

•   Beth and Michelle from The Paper Cottage (TV ad for Chase):

“Hi, I’m Beth.”
“And I’m Michelle.”
“And we run The Paper Cottage.”

Theory:  The Paper Cottage does not seem like a real business. I mean, I’m sure it exists, but it doesn’t seem like a business that could support a family (or two families) all by itself. In other words, it’s really just a hobby for two women whose kids have grown up and left and whose spouses want them out of the house so they can look at some good internet porn.

•   Karen and Jeremiah from the Ameritrade ad:

“This is Karen and Jeremiah. They don’t know it yet, but they’re going to fall in love, get married, have a couple of kids, move to the country, and live a long happy life together where they almost never fight about money…”

Theory: Their whole life is a cliché that can be summarized by a demographer or even a computer. And that’s appealing to people! People want that! No one really wants to be unique—God no, it’s too lonely…errgghh!