How to Gain Readers, Followers, and Likers at Platitude Press — I mean,

1.   Platitude your attitude!

•   Publish tepid, smarmy truisms and utterly bland but encouraging words of wisdom, such as:

“Be true to yourself and follow your heart and look on the bright side and remember that real wealth cannot be stored in a cash register or a bank.”

10,000 people like this.

•   Avoid edgy, original, creative writing that puts average people out of their mediocre comfort zone.

“We frequently forgive those who bore us, but cannot forgive those whom we bore–” 

0 people like this.

–written by a famous French dude from the 17th Century

Oh, well in that case, 10,000 people like this.

2.   Follow blogs whose bloggers follow your blog even you think their blog is boring and/or stupid.

Because you can always un-follow them later and WordPress won’t let them know!

3.   Similarly, “like” blog-posts whose bloggers like your blog-posts even if you don’t really like their blog-posts.

Let’s create a giant, virtual, self-affirming circle-jerk!

4.   Be a young woman with an attractive profile picture.

After all, following an attractive woman’s blog and “liking” her insipid blather will increase your odds of getting some play by 0.00001 %

5.   Pay some money.

Get the Deluxe Version for $18.99 and they will feature your platitudinous mush on their “New & Noteworthy” cover page (or whatever they call it–I never read that shit.)

6.   Pay some money.

This advice is so nice I had to say it twice. And besides, what’s the harm in saying things that have been said a million times before? That’s the best way to get mediocre people to “like” you.

7 thoughts on “How to Gain Readers, Followers, and Likers at Platitude Press — I mean,

  1. I’m not sure if that’s intended or not, but your last three posts don’t seem to allow comments. And, of course, I have a personal interest in getting tough on the Russians 🙂

    • Comments are allowed, encouraged, and loved, but I.switched back to full moderation mode–I mean, I’m still immoderate, but comments require my approval first….Hey LoX, I thought of a funny experiment for your blog–deliberately write something as un-funny as you can and then see how many “Great post!” comments you get.

      • I’m not talking about comment moderation, but these posts are missing the field where comments can be entered. (But why moderation – did you get many comments from Russians telling you how they would like to get tough with you?)
        I actually had a thought once about a similar experiment, but I am not Kaufmanesque enough to write a crappy post (unfunny can be good, too) intentionally. I want it to happen naturally.

        • Wow, thanks for the tip! Didn’t realize that! I’m looking into it…
          Yeah, about the experiment–good answer btw–after I wrote it I remembered a “celebrity roast” where Norm MacDonald deliberately told stupid jokes. The cumulative effect–once you figured out what he was doing–was hilarious, although I’ve always been partial to Norm MacDonald’s style of delivery. One of his stupid jokes I remember went something like: He’s so dumb the only thing that’s ever on his mind–is his hat!
          anyway, ty again

          • Ok, I see that when I switched to “moderate all comments” the default setting changed–the box saying “allow comments” got unchecked. Having fixed that problem, however, I’m still not seeing the “comments” button on the 2 or 3 articles I wrote under that setting–anyway, I emailed support and am awaiting their help. Yikes. ty again for the tip.

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