Utopia IF:

If we all dumped our high-maintenance friends all at the same time

If we all took each other’s advice and finally cut the shit

If everyone got fired and rehired with a better attitude and a little more money

If we all slept in mausoleums

If everyone thought Big Brother was watching

Excess farm production was crammed down our throats

If all the religions peacefully merged into a Thursday night story-telling contest… hosted by Garrison Keillor

If everyone blacked out when you blacked out and remembered less

If business leaders had to eat their losses and regurgitate to their young, like vultures

If everyone saw a therapist, a really good therapist, not like those other ones

If we all had to wear mug-shot necklaces introducing our crimes

If we all believed in Rick Warren and worshipped at the tomb of Jerry Fallwell

If we abandoned all our current, false relationships and followed God’s match for us at ChristianMingle.com

(While having hot steamy affairs with the freaks at Match!)

If everyone practiced the hypocrisy they preached

If everyone declared a War on Evil and took out one evil person for every ten innocent bystanders they killed

NATO is Bullshit: Nuke the World for Latvia?!

The name says it all: the North Atlantic Treaty Organization.

Therefore, if your country does not border the North Atlantic Ocean, you should not be part of NATO. That means you Turkey, Latvia, Lithuania, Estonia, Poland. Please leave.

Besides, if you really think that Americans are going to send their children to die for you, then you’re fucking deluded.

Radical idea: honesty. Since it’s obviously NOT a North Atlantic treaty organization, let us call it for what it is: the Anti-Russia Treaty Organization (ARTO).

Instructive hypothetical: America invades and annexes Nova Scotia, Canada, claiming (correctly) that its Cajun people in Louisiana were wrongfully dispossessed of Acadia by the British back in the 1760s.

Russia’s military response to this hypothetical aggression: NOTHING!

They would piss and moan; they would complain to the U.N.; they might even slap us with some symbolic sanctions, but they would not lift a finger, much less fire a bullet or a nuclear weapon.

And that should be our official policy towards all of Russia’s neighbors except Alaska.

Estonia and Lithuania may be great countries, or they may be pieces of shit, I don’t know, but I do know that their independence is not worth destroying the world in a nuclear holocaust.



You Are NOT Unique and THIS Is How You Should Smuggle Drugs: Unintended Lessons from National Geographic’s Locked Up Abroad

Watching Locked Up Abroad you realize that everyone has the same story:

“I was smuggling contraband because I was young and felt invincible–I got caught—how am I going to tell my Dad?—(sniff)—Prison was hell—you’ve got to be strong—My parents forgave me and pulled some strings—etc.”

This makes me question the assumption our culture shares about how “unique” each person really is. I mean, these people are living on the knife-edge of danger, experiencing the exhilarating rush of adventure and adversity that makes each moment seem so intense and life so special—and it’s all the same! Even the superlatives I just used to describe it are clichés distilled from a mash of everyone “who’s ever really lived.”

And if those people aren’t unique, how unique are we, sitting on our safe fat asses at home?

Obviously, this is not the lesson intended by the producers of the show.

Another lesson I’m sure they did not intend to convey was how to smuggle drugs properly:

You need fifteen “mules.” Fourteen of the mules are decoys, strapped to the gills beneath their clothing with packages of baby powder or some other legal substance—no cocaine or heroin at all—trying their damnedest to fit the profile of a drug smuggler.

[Singing out loud with his headphones, to the tune of “Hey Hey We’re the Monkees”]:

Hey hey I’m a smuggler!
People say I’m smuggling around
But I’m too busy smuggling
To put any Federales down…

At the airport, the fourteen fake mules are located in the front and back of the lines, easily picked off by law enforcement. None of the fake mules actually knows who the real mule is or even what contraband is being smuggled–all they’ve been told is “Go down to South American and strap some legal products to your body and we will pay you $10,000.”

Plausible denial, baby!

Overwhelmed by so many fake mules with so much apparent cocaine, all of which has to be tested (“Hey, you forgot to check this package!”), the real mule slips by on his or her way.

Where Do the Italians Get So Many Last Names and Can They Loan the Spanish a Few?

When was the last time you heard of someone named Medici, Buonarroti, da Vinci, Brunelleschi, DiMaggio, Mussolini, Pirandello, Berra, Vespucci, Fellini, Pesci, De Niro, Coppala, Vivaldi, etcetera (or rather, Eccetera, which is also probably a family name in Italy).

The only Italian surnames that seem to repeat a lot are Russo/Rossi (meaning “from Russia” or “red hair”), Ricci/Rizzo (meaning “curly”) and Esposito (meaning “exposed”—i.e., abandoned by your parents).

Meanwhile, the world is drowning in people named Smith, Jones, Miller, Khan, Garcia, Santos, Chang, Wang, Kim, Lee, Nguyen, Suzuki, Cohen, and “Hey Asshole!” which apparently is very common in New York.

Incredibly, Italians seem to be immune from the anthropological law of history and evolution called Random Lineage Extinction, a law which can best be illustrated by this famous example:

In 1790, nine British sailors who had mutinied on The Bounty sailed to Pitcairn Island, bringing with them eleven Tahitian (Polynesian) women. Of those nine original family names from The Bounty (such as Fletcher Christian’s), only four survive today (source: http://www.pitcairners.org/settlements3.html). The rest succumbed to Random Lineage Extinction.

Had they been nine Italian sailors instead of British, there would now be 29 original family names.

Had they been Spanish, there would only be four or five family names, but everyone would have 19 interchangeable middle names.

Had they been Chinese, there would only be three or four family names but there would have been billions of descendants on little tiny Pitcairn.

Had they been Native American Indian, everyone would have a unique, colorful last name like “Laughs-at-Pain” or “Sighs-without-Smoke.”

Had they been African-American, the pronunciation of each last name would have changed and simplified to the point where eventually everyone would have just a single initial for a last name (e.g. Spencer Christian’s descendants would be named: “Chrissan” then “Krissin” and eventually just “Spencer K” or “Spencer X” if they felt rebellious against the Man).

Had they been Afghani, they would not have known how to sail to Pitcairn after mutinying against Captain Bligh. (Afghanistan is a landlocked country.)

Had they been French, they would have assimilated into Tahitian culture and also never reached Pitcairn. The only trace they would leave behind would be an annoying and completely unwarranted superiority complex among modern-day Tahitians.

Had they been German, they would have killed off their descendants as “racially impure,” causing labor shortages which could only be overcome by importing guest-workers. Consequently, everyone would be named either Ozturk (meaning “pure Turk”) or Yilmaz (meaning “unbeatable”), the two most common surnames in Turkey.

And if they’d been Australian, everyone would be named Bruce and there would be no poofters.

Confuse the News — Let’s Blurry the Lead

•  Missing Malaysian jetliner crashes into East Harlem building in New York, killing dozens

Spokesman for Chinese families says: “Now we have crosure.”

•  Turkish streets erupt in protest over Venezuelan protests against David Jolly victory over Alex Sink in Florida special election

Floridians react:  “Surf’s up!”

•  Putin sends handicapped troops into Special Olympics, seizing Ukrainian gold and causing Oscar Pistorius to vomit on his stumps

•  Obama grants comedian a health care interview to help him with his sick jokes

•  Republicans rescind and reject Republican-sponsored bill as “socialist garbage” after Obama signals possible non-veto

•  Drought in California causing widespread medical marijuana shortages–millions of fake illnesses could go untreated for months

•  Military tribunal on sex crimes asks cheerleader to the prom

•  Heart-warming viral video:  Afghanistan war veteran surprises his mistress with unannounced homecoming

•  Conservative Think-Tank Study: Impoverished recipients of marijuana tax money in Colorado wasting their money on pot

Morning Joe Jumps the Shark — Chris Cuomo New King of Morning TV

Morning Joe attempts to do what even the Fonz couldn’t get away with

Morning Joe attempting to do what even the Fonz couldn’t get away with

Now that Mika Brzezinski is apparently no longer in danger of having a neurotic breakdown on live TV, and now that Joe Scarborough is more concerned about a future run for political office than speaking uncomfortable truths to his fellow Republicans (example: his refusal to admit that Sarah Palin is an annoying idiot or that the obese bully Chris Christie is politically dead and rightly so), their formerly amusing TV show has become a sad wasteland of empty political clichés and sycophantic ass-kisses to VIP’s they dare not discomfit.

Their latest epic fail, the one that put them on water skis in leather jackets and sent them airborne over a pool of sharks happened today, when they brought in a troupe of kids from a New York City charter school to play chess and do math problems in the background. Ugghh!

Let me guess, that was Mika’s idea, right?

No, it’s not cute. No, it’s not endearing. And no, it’s not informative or entertaining.

Look, I agree with many of Mika’s political views, so take my advice: go back to the old days when she was repressed, ignored, and overruled. It may not have been fair, it may have even been sexist and cruel, but at least it was funny. Victimhood better suits her humorless personality anyway.

Of course, as a capitalist, Joe believes in competition, and now I also believe in Joe’s competition—Chris Cuomo of CNN’s New Day. His Guido-bulldog personality is just what the “wimpy” liberal democrats have needed for generations.

CNN New Day's Chris Cuomo, liberal bulldog

CNN New Day’s Chris Cuomo, liberal bulldog

I’m Against Violence So Why Do I Want To Beat The Crap Out Of —

•   Neill Clark Warren, founder of E-Harmony, and, sorry to admit, his granddaughter:Neil-Clark-WarrenTheory: Neill Clark Warren exudes that bland, smarmy, fake goodness of a Mormon or Christian pastor, especially when he talks to his granddaughter.

eharmony-granddaughter-large-7Why do I want to beat up his granddaughter? I don’t know, I guess I’m just evil. Or maybe she crosses the line between genuinely cute, and overdone, sickeningly fake cute.

batman_fight•   Beth and Michelle from The Paper Cottage (TV ad for Chase):

"Hi, I'm Beth."  "And I'm Michelle, and we run The Paper Cottage..."

“Hi, I’m Beth.”
“And I’m Michelle.”
“And we run The Paper Cottage.”

Theory:  The Paper Cottage does not seem like a real business. I mean, I’m sure it exists, but it doesn’t seem like a business that could support a family (or two families) all by itself. In other words, it’s really just a hobby for two women whose kids have grown up and left and whose spouses want them out of the house so they can look at some good internet porn.batman_fight-2

•   Karen and Jeremiah from the Ameritrade ad:


“This is Karen and Jeremiah. They don’t know it yet, but they’re going to fall in love, get married, have a couple of kids, move to the country, and live a long happy life together where they almost never fight about money…”

Theory: Their whole life is a cliché that can be summarized by a demographer or even a computer. And that’s appealing to people! People want that! No one really wants to be unique—God no, it’s too lonely…errgghh!


We Are Russia And We Are A Sad People

•   When giant meteor hit earth in February 2013 naturally it hit Chelyabinsk Russia

‘Cuz we are Russia and we are a sad people

•   When world have worst nuclear disaster naturally it happen to Soviet Union

‘Cuz we are Russia and we are a sad people

•   America fight Nazis and take over British and French world empires. We lose 20 million people to fight against Nazis and all we get is Eastern Europe

‘Cuz we are Russia and we are a sad people

•   We have glorious Revolution to overthrow horrible Czars and get more horrible Stalin. Then we overthrow communists and get fat drunk Yeltsin and horrible dictator Putin

‘Cuz we are Russia and we are a sad people

•   We are wonderful blend of tall blonde Viking, muscular Slav and dashing Asian horsemen but still nation of ugly babushkas

‘Cuz we are Russia and we are a sad people

•   We invent electronic music, satellite, spaceflight, videotape recorder, radio, helicopter, hydroplane, solar cell, power transformer, synthetic rubber, combine harvester—and still have to steal our technology from the West!

‘Cuz we are Russia and we are a sad people

Yakov_Smirnoff_jokeNotes:  Chernobyl and Yakov Smirnoff were Ukrainian.

Holy Cow — Vladimir Putin is Promoting My Blog !

Pushing back against the nauseating, anti-Russian, pro-Ukrainian propaganda flooding the American news media lately, I published a blog-post a few days ago in which I lauded the Russian “liberation” of Crimea and denounced the long tradition of anti-Semitism among the Ukrainians (Jokes About Crimea, Russia, and Ukraine).

I also pointed out that the Ukrainians have always been among history’s biggest losers, and that we might want to think twice before hitching our wagon to their Chernobyl-mutated horses.

Vicious slander, but all in good fun 🙂

Lo and behold, new web traffic to my blog suddenly exploded! 

But the traffic pattern seemed suspicious–only a few people found my blog-post through Google and other search engines (on page 3, no less), and yet the total number of new visitors was over one hundred. And it’s still going.

That’s never happened before, even on the other rare occasions when I have managed to become topically relevant.  When I’ve gotten lots of new traffic, it’s always been accompanied by more than just a few search engine hits.

Am I really supposed to believe that one or two people managed to lure in a hundred new people to my obscure little shitty blog?

Then I found out today that Putin and Russia have hired some high-priced American public relations companies such as the giant Ketchum firm (see the article entitled “Meet The PR Firm That Helped Vladimir Putin Troll The Entire Country”–http://www.businessinsider.com/vladimir-putin-nyt-op-ed-ketchum-pr-2013-9#ixzz2vEh5SR2L).

Now it’s starting to make sense.  Thanks Vlad, thanks Ketchum–thanks for inflating my traffic counts! I couldn’t have done it without you.

Postscript:  To insulate myself against the charge of being an pro-Russian hack, I then published some humor slandering the Russian people (How to REALLY Get Tough on them Russians).

Vicious calumny, but all in good fun 🙂

UPDATE:   My anti-Ukrainian piece received–and is still receiving–a lot more new viewers than my anti-Russian piece even though the latter was much funnier, and written two days later.  Point proven.

How to REALLY Get Tough on them Russians

   Close down Brighton Beach.

•   Bomb Bay Ridge, Gravesend, Sheepshead Bay, and Midwood back into the Stone Age. Then take away their stone tools.  Then laugh.

   Toughen up child pornography laws.

   Strengthen RICO legislation.

   Cyber-attack their vodka recipes, changing “proof” to “percent,” thus doubling the strength of their alcohol and thereby tripling the already huge number of overdoses.

   Make them sign up for Romney-care (aka Obama-care) by March 15th or face a penalty.

   Cyber-attack the Cyrillic script, substituting it with total gibberish. They won’t notice, but it will make us look tough to our allies.

•   Make them read Gogol.

•   Send back Yakov Smirnoff.

   Cyber-attack their election results so that they elect a Republican parliament.

Jokes About Crimea, Russia, and Ukraine

•   Putin may have backed a loser in Yanukovych but if we continue to back the western Ukrainians we will be backing an entire nation of historical losers:

Ecstatic Ukrainians welcome the German army, 1941.

Ecstatic western Ukrainians welcome the German army, 1941.

Bhodan Khmelneytsky: Ukraine's national hero and committed porgromist

Bhodan Khmelneytsky: Ukraine’s national hero and committed pogromist

Monument to the murderous pogromist Bhodan Khmelneytsky in Kiev

Monument to the murderous pogromist Bhodan Khmelneytsky in Kiev, 1999.

Jewish exterminator Bhodan Khmelnytsky on modern Ukrainian money

Exterminator of Jews Bhodan Khmelneytsky on modern Ukrainian money

•  Ukraine is a case where a potential breadbasket is instead a basket case with no potential:

The GDP rate of Poland, Russia and Ukraine (the 1990 levels equals 100 percent)  source: National Statistics Committee, IMF

The GDP rate of Poland, Russia and Ukraine (the 1990 levels equals 100 percent) source: National Statistics Committee, IMF; from the webpage:  http://eng.globalaffairs.ru/number/n_6578

Hey, we’re almost up to the pre-Independence levels under late, decrepit communism! Whe-hew!

•   Richard Pryor on why Putin sent troops into Crimea:

Dey was home.

•   Yet another brilliant idea from America’s foreign policy establishment:  Let’s drum up a world war or at least a new Cold War to force the Crimea back into a country of which it was never really a part!

Crimea belongs to Ukraine about as much as the Panama Canal “belonged” to the United States.

•   Hypocrisy check:  does the United States of America–

–Support democratically elected governments?

Yanukovych was democratically elected.

–Oppose unprovoked invasions of foreign countries?

Can you imagine if Iraq in 2003 had a population that was 60% American?  Our Congress would have unanimously voted for military action just like Russia’s parliament did. (Instead, it “only” passed 297 to 133.)

–Support diplomatic solutions and internationally brokered peace agreements?

The western Ukrainian mob violated a days-old agreement brokered by Germany when they overthrew Yanukovich.

–Support the right of self-determination for all peoples?

The Crimea will vote later this month on whether they want to be part of the Ukraine. 

Spoiler alert:  they don’t!

And neither would you.

–Oppose anti-semitism wherever it rears its ugly head?Ukraine_Anti_Semitic_Protest__vinnews@hotmail_com

How to Gain Readers, Followers, and Likers at Platitude Press — I mean, WordPress.com

1.   Platitude your attitude!

•   Publish tepid, smarmy truisms and utterly bland but encouraging words of wisdom, such as:

“Be true to yourself and follow your heart and look on the bright side and remember that real wealth cannot be stored in a cash register or a bank.”

10,000 people like this.

•   Avoid edgy, original, creative writing that puts average people out of their mediocre comfort zone.

“We frequently forgive those who bore us, but cannot forgive those whom we bore–” 

0 people like this.

–written by a famous French dude from the 17th Century

Oh, well in that case, 10,000 people like this.

2.   Follow blogs whose bloggers follow your blog even you think their blog is boring and/or stupid.

Because you can always un-follow them later and WordPress won’t let them know!

3.   Similarly, “like” blog-posts whose bloggers like your blog-posts even if you don’t really like their blog-posts.

Let’s create a giant, virtual, self-affirming circle-jerk!

4.   Be a young woman with an attractive profile picture.

After all, following an attractive woman’s blog and “liking” her insipid blather will increase your odds of getting some play by 0.00001 %

5.   Pay WordPress.com some money.

Get the Deluxe Version for $18.99 and they will feature your platitudinous mush on their “New & Noteworthy” cover page (or whatever they call it–I never read that shit.)

6.   Pay WordPress.com some money.

This advice is so nice I had to say it twice. And besides, what’s the harm in saying things that have been said a million times before? That’s the best way to get mediocre people to “like” you.