Weed Warnings for Colorado Citizens

If you smoke pot, you will write poems and songs with spelling mistakes and grammatical errors and will not make any money. If you DON’T smoke pot, you will write letter-perfect business memos and make lots of money.

The choice is obvious.

If you smoke pot, you will have more fun exercising but will only exercise when it’s fun. Consequently, results will vary wildly. If you DON’T smoke pot, you will diligently and mirthlessly work out three times a week until complete burn-out sets in c. ten years later.

A little therapy and you’ll be fine.

If you smoke pot, food will taste so much better but you won’t be able to afford the good stuff. If you DON’T smoke pot, you will be able to afford the very best once in a while and therefore everything else will be a constant disappointment.

Wouldn’t you rather be constantly disappointed having known the best than idiotically satisfied by a peanut-butter & jelly sandwich? The choice is obvious.

If you smoke pot, you will become too polite and self-effacing, too humble, too Christ-like for today’s hustle-bustle world. But if you DON’T smoke pot, your insatiable ego will lead you to near-greatness.

Again, the choice is obvious—don’t be a loser like Him.

No wonder the Three Wise-Men from the East who visited him gave him “oil of canab” (i.e., oil of cannabis, or “hash oil”).*

To a baby!

Wake up Coloradans—weed is for musicians and peasant farmers. And pastoral nomads—like that Scythian warrior princess from 500 B.C. who was buried with a dime-bag.

The historical record is clear—things are unclear: weed has made messiahs, warrior princesses, assassins, and Louie Armstrong. But it’ll fuck you up.

Look, if you want the edge in life you’ve got to be edgy. And by definition edgy means uncomfortable, anxious, dissatisfied, living beyond the moment, i.e., NOT STONED.

Weed is like chocolate to the second power—no one deserves that kind of pleasure. It must be wrong–it must be bad. Look at you, just sitting there…

The real problem with weed is that it’s sustainable over the long-term. All the other drugs make you crash and get help. But with weed you can limp along, problems unnoticed, never crashing yet always burning.

Weed: you used to hide it from your parents. Now you’re hiding it from your kids.

* Note: this might not be true.

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