One of the worst things about getting old–besides the bad health, the decline in vigor, the limp dick, people dying, etc. etc–is always having to fear the “shart.”

The advanced in years fart with trepidation.

Today, I had my second major shart as an adult.

It was so bad that wiping it up with toilet paper was just mitigation in advance of the mandatory shower afterwards.

But I won’t bother you with toilet scatology and–actually, yes I will:

Speaking of wiping, does everyone know about the second, stand-up wipe?

Because if not, then here’s a beauty secret you can only get here:

After you feel like you’ve fully wiped yourself while sitting down on the toilet, gather more paper in hand and then stand up and wipe again.

You’ll see results.

Results you would otherwise see as underwear streaks.

For even better results, relax your abdominal and pelvic muscles after you stand up prior to second-wiping. Hop and wiggle a little for advanced technique.

Here’s a famous reggae song to help you remember:

Get up, stand up

Stand up fi ‘nother wipe

Get up, stand up

Wipe until it’s white