Monthly Archives: October 2013

Koans of Daylight Savings Time

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If we didn’t go off Daylight Savings Time we would never be able to go back on it again. Unless you go off Daylight Savings Time for at least part of the year, all you’re doing is renaming 6:00 as 7:00.

It’s ironic: they’ve increased the number of days under DST, which used to end before Halloween, but if they increase it infinitely, it goes away. What else is like that?

But how many days do you have to go off DST in order to have DST?

What if we went off DST for only one week? Say in the middle of January–would that count?

But then you’d have two weekends in a row where you’re gaining and losing an hour of sleep time.

If you went off DST for just an hour, you wouldn’t be going off DST at all because you’d have to put your clocks back one hour and Standard Time would be over before it started.

So the minimum duration for Standard Time has to be two hours—yes, technically, you could make it 61 minutes long and only have one minute of non-DST, but come on, let’s be reasonable.

DST shows the power of pretending. If everybody gets together and pretends something—that 6 is now 7, or that paper money has real value—voila!—6 really is 7 and pieces of paper are really worth cheating and dying for.

Everyone worries about time and money and yet they’re both just the result of society pretending something. Sunset is real but 6:00 PM is total bullshit.

What we most want from Society are the things it pretends exist—money, time, honor, status, fame, etc.—not the things that actually exist—rocks, soil, trees and clouds.

Rocks, soil and trees are OK, mind you, but all of us would readily trade them in for the fake things that Society pretends are real. That’s the important stuff. That’s what life is really all about.

The Perverted Side of Natural Disasters

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According to the Japanese Minister for Weird Porn, the earthquake and tsunami of 2011 led to widespread shortages among the vending machines that sell used schoolgirl panties. Only a fraction of the shortages could be blamed on hoarding, since the long-term storage and preservation of that product line is notoriously difficult.

It’s a dirty little secret of disaster relief work that prostitutes charge much less after a natural disaster.

It’s not sexual harassment to grab some ass if you’re both caught in a mud-slide.

Living in the shadow of a volcano improves your sex life because sperm can sense danger. Hence Naples, Hawaii, and Iceland–all good places to get laid. I’ve been told.

Sperm are like rats on a ship–they know when it’s sinking before the captain. So if the person is in mortal danger, those little sperm bastards will want to jump and swim for it. 

And that’s why if you ever find yourself horny all of a sudden for no apparent reason–check for mudslides (and something to grab). There might be a reason after all.

But it’s a horrible myth that displaced persons and war refugees are “easy.” Several UN studies have disproved these purported phenomena as statistically negligible.

The sex-worker discounts are real, however. So be altruistic and join up and come help wherever people are forced to like you by their horrible circumstances.

Morning Joe = Howard Stern Show?

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Summary/overview:  One cool guy surrounded by an uptight upper-middle-class co-host and a technical staff that sometimes messes up, with guests and part-time panelists that are either geeks and freaks (male news guys) or babes and milfs.(female news dolls). Female co-host has a lovely engaging laugh but does not cheaply bestow it on the “boys’ humor” that often threatens to undo the whole show. Of course, her disapproval makes their humor all the more funny, supposedly.

Joe =  Howard.

Mika = Robin.

TJ = Gary Dell’Abate.

Steve Rattner = Beetlejuice

So far, pretty obvious.

But even Joe Scarborough’s conservatism in a sea of liberal MSNBC-people is similar to Howard Stern’s philosophical position on his old radio show, for Howard was the nagging family guy in a sea of single sex freaks, and Howard was always telling his freaky guests to be more responsible and to grow up and be careful. Yes, Howard was a conservative–a social conservative! (Relative to his melieu.)

Another similarity between the two shows is the imperious, dictatorial atmosphere on the set during airtime whereby everybody is apparently in fear of getting fired by the host or co-host for any kind of reason.

There are numerous other similarities in style and format: the rock music interludes, of course: the idea of a public forum where even conservative guests (celebrities in Stern’s case) will be deliberately put outside their comfort zone; the selective releases of too much personal information about the host, co-host or panelists’ private lives; repeating the 6:00 AM broadcast at 8:00 AM, etc.

Mike Barnacle = Fred

John Heileman = Arte Lange

Willie Geist = Jackie the Jokeman Martling

Louis Burgdorf = Stuttering John

Donnie Deutsch = Ralph

Brian Shachtman, Bill Karins, and Brian Sullivan = latest intern to be abused

But, I gotta say, the romantic photographs of Joe and Mika–soaking in the sunset, napping in the park together, the one with the foot-massage, etc.–that’s original. Howard and Robin never did that when they had a TV show. Howard’s wives would have prevented it.

A Beauty Secret You Won’t Hear Anywhere Else Because It’s Too Embarrassing (But We Don’t Mind)

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One of the worst things about getting old–besides the bad health, the decline in vigor, the limp dick, people dying, etc. etc–is always having to fear the “shart.”

The advanced in years fart with trepidation.

Today, I had my second major shart as an adult.

It was so bad that wiping it up with toilet paper was just mitigation in advance of the mandatory shower afterwards.

But I won’t bother you with toilet scatology and–actually, yes I will:

Speaking of wiping, does everyone know about the second, stand-up wipe?

Because if not, then here’s a beauty secret you can only get here:

After you feel like you’ve fully wiped yourself while sitting down on the toilet, gather more paper in hand and then stand up and wipe again.

You’ll see results.

Results you would otherwise see as underwear streaks.

For even better results, relax your abdominal and pelvic muscles after you stand up prior to second-wiping. Hop and wiggle a little for advanced technique.

Here’s a famous reggae song to help you remember:

Get up, stand up

Stand up fi ‘nother wipe

Get up, stand up

Wipe until it’s white