The World’s Funniest Deaths and Other Bad Ideas

Business idea:  funeral pyres.

There are no individual remains afterwards, but there’s this wall nearby with your name and a creepy holograph inscribed on it.

Advertisement:  Have you ever considered the advantages of a mass grave? 15 bodies per pile can save you 15%!

Our traditional individual burials are all money-back-guaranteed.*

Acid bath cremations might be the answer you’re looking for. As a memento, family members can save some of the vapors and the sludge.

Or just mail your remains to a fictitious address—let the Post Office deal with it:

“In case I die, put me in this pre-stamped box and ship me out to the address written on it. No cover letter is necessary–they’ll know what to do.”

Meteoric cremations will become big in the 2020’s. Pre-paid plans are already available.

The first person to ritually dispose of another person was the first person period.

‘Cuz it just ain’t human to walk away from an unburied corpse.

Not if you’ve got nothing else to do.

But if you’re busy, that’s different. Wars and tigers can’t wait.

Apple’s Siri now gives much better advice about hiding a body than its first generation. Watson is still the best, of course.  He makes problems go away.

New expensive software:  The Criminal 2000.  Designed to help you design the perfect crime. It’s the best goddamn co-conspirator ever!

The networks didn’t like my idea for a TV show called America’s Funniest Deaths. They also hated my idea for a reality show based on this family of really hilarious morticians.

But once I open my funeral pyre business they’re all gonna come begging to video me!

*To the decedent.

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