Syria’s Serious Series of Saracen-Searing Sarin Sites Cited by a Series of Syrian Seriologists

I was disappointed to see the photos of some of Syria’s chemical weapons stockpiles. It just looked like a bunch of buckets and plastic 5-gallon jugs.

I was expecting more. I was expecting huge vats and evil-looking distillation machines. Not an overstocked meth lab.

I’ve seen front lawns in West Virginia with more suspicious-looking old containers than what Syria has offered up so far.

Good thing we didn’t have to do a military strike–how can you send Cruise Missiles against 5 gallon jugs?  Are our precision munitions that precise?!

Could we have afforded a Cruise Missile for every plastic jug? My math isn’t good…

Of course, Colin Powell’s logic is compelling–if the alleged WMD is really that bad-ass, a little tiny vile of it should be enough to make people want to bomb it.

That’s hard to argue with when there’s a four-star soldier holding it in your face.

Still, Syria should dress it up a little. Make their stuff look a little more evil than just buckets and jugs. It would reflect well on them, like they’re giving up some heinous capability that might have hurt us.

Something to make us feel like we’re getting something for our generous forbearance from bombing ya’ll (wink, nod).

The World’s Funniest Deaths and Other Bad Ideas

Business idea:  funeral pyres.

There are no individual remains afterwards, but there’s this wall nearby with your name and a creepy holograph inscribed on it.

Advertisement:  Have you ever considered the advantages of a mass grave? 15 bodies per pile can save you 15%!

Our traditional individual burials are all money-back-guaranteed.*

Acid bath cremations might be the answer you’re looking for. As a memento, family members can save some of the vapors and the sludge.

Or just mail your remains to a fictitious address—let the Post Office deal with it:

“In case I die, put me in this pre-stamped box and ship me out to the address written on it. No cover letter is necessary–they’ll know what to do.”

Meteoric cremations will become big in the 2020’s. Pre-paid plans are already available.

The first person to ritually dispose of another person was the first person period.

‘Cuz it just ain’t human to walk away from an unburied corpse.

Not if you’ve got nothing else to do.

But if you’re busy, that’s different. Wars and tigers can’t wait.

Apple’s Siri now gives much better advice about hiding a body than its first generation. Watson is still the best, of course.  He makes problems go away.

New expensive software:  The Criminal 2000.  Designed to help you design the perfect crime. It’s the best goddamn co-conspirator ever!

The networks didn’t like my idea for a TV show called America’s Funniest Deaths. They also hated my idea for a reality show based on this family of really hilarious morticians.

But once I open my funeral pyre business they’re all gonna come begging to video me!

*To the decedent.