Monthly Archives: March 2013

Defecatory Daydreams of the Demigods

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I always wondered what God-Kings (Pharoahs, Emperors, etc.) thought when they shit. Did the base animal nature of that act impose any humility on their pretensions of divine parentage?

This is just the ‘semi’ part of semi-divine.

I’m putting the ‘demi’ back in demigod and I’m putting it back demi good!

You know, I really do produce some God-like turds–maybe those crazy priests are right about me. Or is it just the candied gold dust I’ve been eating lately?

It’s funny–eating gold dust makes them glitter and shine but it still smells. Smells great!

The fact that only my shit smells good proves I’m part god.

Do I have to kill anyone who sees me doing this, or just anyone who talks about seeing me do this, that is the question… Ah, the difficult decisions forced upon a Sun-King!

Where are my expensive imported fecophiles to help clean up?

Obviously, as a demigod I could just zip ahead into the future and steal a couple rolls of toilet paper and come back here to ancient Babylon, but I wouldn’t want to risk bumping my head and passing out in the future with an uncleaned ass. Me, a demigod, just laying there!.. So–given the unreliable nature of fecophiles–HELLO!–I’m stuck with the old sponge on a stick kept in a separate bucket of very salty water, just like the rest of the Babylonians.*

Still, it’s much better than the smooth-edged pottery shards my human ancestors had to use before they hooked up with the gods and a wagonload of weapons.

Apparently not.

*Factual note:  this was a Roman practice, not Babylonian. Get your shit straight.

Profanities vs. Too Many Profanities vs. Too Many Anything

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No one wants to hear the word “fuckin” all the time, but then again I don’t want to hear any word all the time. You keep using the word “liquefy” in casual conversation and I’m going to quickly get sick of it and wonder what’s with all this liquefying bullshit?

I guess the only words we don’t mind hearing all the time is “the” and “a.”

And “and.”

But that’s it—ok, and “that.”

But we certainly don’t want to hear “but” too much. You can get fired for saying “but” all the time; you can lose friends by always being the “but” guy—no one wants to always hear the potential problems highlighted before anything’s ever given a chance.

Even an innocuous little helper word like “which” cannot be said too frequently or else people think that you’re confused or that you think in run-on sentences—which never come to a definite conclusion—which you need to do in order to let other people talk—which is the whole point of conversation—which …

“I can’t take him anymore—he’s become so over-modified.”

In Guantanamo, one interrogator was able to break many prisoners by constantly using words like “penetrate” in his conversations with detainees:

“No! Please don’t send me back to the ‘penetrate’ guy—I can’t take it anymore! Osama’s in Abbottobad! ….Abbottobad!…Yes, that’s a real place.. No, I don’t know how you would penetrate the security there—aagghhhh!”

Fortunately, using too many innuendo-words during an interrogation is against the Geneva Conventions: captured soldiers should never have to suffer the way civilian women sometimes must.

So other than “a” and “the” no word is worth repeating all the time.

Not even “fucking.”

And if you do repeat certain words—any words—people will psychologize you. And you don’t want that!

Soon there will be an app that will instantly psychologize other people’s speech patterns.

Therefore, you will need to get the other app which warns you in advance when your own speech is starting to form patterns with unwanted implications.

Naturally, when kids get hold of their parents’ devices they test it out for themselves in their own way:

“Hey computer, who the fuck are you to analyze my speech and tell me how to fuckin’ talk, huh?”

Computer app: “Are you trying to sound drunk? Otherwise, your speech sounds angry. Desist using ‘fuck.’ ”

Kids: “Desist this, fool!”

Computer app: “Confrontational tone projected. Avoid confrontational perjoratives like ‘fool.’ Also, the whole ‘blank-this’ format is generally rude.”

Stealthy Comeback Routes for the Republicans

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•  The economic recovery under Obama leads to a new Yuppie ethos among the young which leads to new life for the Republicans.

•  Embrace, but do not kiss, at least not in public, the Log Cabin crowd, especially the super-classy ones (avoid photo ops with the bears). Everyone knows that fashion follows the gay community and young people follow fashion. And that leads to–

•  Don’t you wish America had its own Downton Abbeys? Then vote Republican!

◊  Because you can’t have classy without classes.

◊  Remember: the elegance is worth the wealth disparity. Besides, the sophistication and refinement more than makes up for the unlivable wages that are its foundations.

To sum up:  the GOP needs to go stealthy, go classy, go gay (the right kind of gay) and wait for the culture to swing back towards the Yuppie-ism that always afflicts the children who come of age following sharp recessions. They see the older age-set suffering through a recession and they get all Scarlett O’Hara about it.

I try not to despise the coming generation of neo-Yuppie scum by reminding myself that they’re not even out of high school yet. But it’s inevitable.

Singer-Songwriters Who Should Have Just Written

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How many great songs have been ruined by selfish writers who insisted on singing their own creations?

Bob Dylan:   Too nasal, not enough variation in his voice. The Byrds should have done all his songs. Then they could have lasted forever. Had I been Dylan I would have been objective and humble enough to give all my songs to them and other artists. Also, I would have had a hard time understanding myself when I spoke, but that’s just me, or me being Dylan.

Frank Zappa:   Sounds too much like Bill Murray’s 1970’s lounge singer from Saturday Night Live. “Those Crazy Star Wars” could have been a full-length Zappa clay-animation movie for all I know.

Roy Orbison:   Voice sounds like cream soda. He looked like a switched corpse–like not the corpse you thought you were burying but a different one that got switched-in but no one wants to say anything even though it seems obvious to everyone but the bereaved.

Gregory Isaacs (reggae star from the 1980s): Too nasal. Sounds like Benny Hill doing reggae. All male nasal singers sound like Benny Hill singing. As you can tell, we hates nasal.

Tom Petty:  Like Orbison, he looks like a cadaver, but unlike Orbison, a cool-looking cadaver, like a cadaver who just emerged from a joint-lined coffin after a mourner paying his respects had blown some cocaine up its nose, semi-reviving him. ‘Not saying Petty shouldn’t have performed his songs, he just shouldn’t sing them. Why? you guessed it–too nasal.

Bob Marley:  Borders on nasal. And what is that dancing??? Far too many tripping hippies have mistakenly become uninhibited by the bad example of Bob Marley’s horrible dancing.

To me, nasal singing among male performers is almost an oxymoron, and “almost an oxymoron” is an oxymoron, I think, meaning it’s like practically the same thing.

Female nasal singing, however, is fine but it can border on too cute. No, I cannot define “too cute” but I know it when I want to punch it.

There are whole cultures in southern Asia that speak and sing more nasal than they have to as a sacrifice to their God. And it works: they get good grades.

But it’s not for everyone; they have no Barry Whites.

I also don’t like tenors, but that’s a separate non-issue.

George and Jerry Discuss the Sequester: a Seinfeld tribute/rip-off

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What if this sequester thing actually starts to feel good? That’s a sign, isn’t it? A sign that, you know, you’re–

You’re what?

You’re, you know, a latent conservative.

We’re all latent conservatives! But we’re all latent everything else too, so cheer up–all of us could be anything!

What about if you watch FOX News and it moves?

What?

I think it moved–it may have moved!

Of course it moved, they have porn stars reading the news at FOX.

No, this was during Bill Hemmer!

Ohhhh. Well, look on the bright side–maybe it’s a latent gay thing more than a latent conservative thing.

Thank you very much! Just my luck–my true identity is not the frustrated neurotic heterosexual I appear to be–I’m really a Log Cabin Republican!

You can still be frustrated and neurotic and live in the Log Cabin.

I could be frustrated and neurotic in my own harem.

I bet it’s nice in there.

Where?

The Log Cabin…[muses] You know, the Log Cabin Republicans really should build an actual log cabin to promote their group. Like a visitors center.

A log cabin in DC!

A log cabin in DC–a super-posh but conservative log cabin of tasteful comfort. Berdache-fabulous, yet gentlemanly and properly restrained…I bet they could win a lot of converts that way. Especially on football days.

Gay converts or conservative converts?

Either way.

Severe Storms: Socialist Stimulus Schemes from the Sky

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Storm damage causes economic growth:

  • All that money sitting in the coffers of insurance companies and reinsurance companies gets spent on building supplies and reconstruction work
  • In advance of the storms, sales are brisk on items that hardly ever sell otherwise
  • After the storm, people are desperate to satisfy all that pent-up demand

Storm damage is Keynesian–it causes good economic growth:
Money from insurance executives and investors goes to working people and middle class assets (houses)

Severe storms promote efficiency in the most worker-friendly way:
These are guilt-free days off with the kids and family–entirely guilt free, unlike a sick day or even a vacation day. A “storm day” that closes a city is as economically miraculous as if everyone in the area decided to take an impromptu personal day at the same time. Afterwards everyone comes back to work synced to the same rhythm of making up for lost days which is never too hard (increasing efficiency)

Storms make us look at the big picture:
We all want to live in our own little worlds but the one big world won’t let us.

Storms make us look at the little picture:
Specifically, how much can be fit into the corner of a wet life raft or helicopter sling.

Storms build social bonds within and across communities:
It’s hard to feel anything for these bland, middle-American, semi-rural places until a storm comes and tears them apart. Then they seem adorable.

Severe storm damage rebuilds bonds between responsive governments and people:

Atlas shrugged, freed from the burden of supporting the 47%… But then Sandy swept his beach-house out to sea and now he wants a bailout too.

“How was I supposed to know that there was this thing called ‘erosion’?”

“Who knew oceans were so big and sloppy? Who knew?”