Now that we know Europeans and Asians have some Neanderthal DNA it is definitely time to revise our opinions of Neanderthals and start portraying them as smart. No bias. What bias?

Historians need to dig up Columbus’ bones and test to see if he had any gay DNA:

Mystery: those were some long-ass voyages.

Mystery: he could have been a weaver like his father and been surrounded by Italian women aggrieved by the mistress system, but no, he wanted to be alone with sailors and cabin boys far from home. Far from whorehouses even.

Mystery: Columbus had a dark secret he wouldn’t even tell his sons, but perhaps it was a secret we might think of today as more rainbow-bright than dark.

If genes are so selfish, as Dr. Dawkins professes, then gay genes must be the least selfish. They just keep giving and giving and giving.

It’s debatable whether there is true homosexuality in the animal kingdom but we know that plants are very gay. As much male pollen ends up on other male plants as on female plants.

And they’re huge Onanists, casting most of their pollen on the ground.

Plants were the first creatures to whore themselves out to other species, flaunting big round hot-colored fruits and flowers for anyone to just come and poke around in. All for sex and a cheap ride.

And plants love gerbils. As a general rule, the bigger the plant, the more they like gerbils. They call it “aerating the soil”–digging tunnels in the dirt and tickling their tap roots. But a lot of rodents die in those tunnels so it’s not funny.